I debating writing this one because I didn't want to come off as ungrateful or like I'm trying to make you feel bad or something. I also don't want to come off as whiny. This might be kind of a heavier one.
Sometimes I really think about what my childhood was like and I get a little disappointed. It's not like I have completely no reason, I can admit I had a hard childhood. It wasn't always bad. I cherish the memories of going to visit my aunt and uncle in Delaware and going on the beaches. And the Saturdays where my mom would work and my dad would take me and my sister to breakfast and then out to the park. Or the fall festivities at the same farm every year. Or Christmas village with my grandparents. All good childhood stuff. But these days I just can't shake the feeling that I missed out.
A key factor in my trauma (icky word) that I thought I didn't care about suddenly became a big deal to me not too long ago. I don't know why but it suddenly came on and contemplating it made me realize why I do a lot of the things I do. It was kind of upsetting.
The main part of my trauma is neglect (snooze fest! Start crying when you're being hit or something). I won't delve into it here obviously because all I've wanted you to know you basically already know. I think. I don't really remember what I've said. You get the picture though. The neglect (*eyeroll*) came from my mom. So obviously when we went to where my dad was living it was a quick escape every weekend. At least on paper it was.
My dad was living with my aunt and uncle (his brother) and me and my sisters came every weekend. My sisters slept in my dads room but I slept in the living room on the couch. Looking back I'm not really sure why. That's not the part that got me though. My dad was kind of maybe sort of dating the neighbor next door. I think it was my aunts friend or something. I was like 13 it's hazy. The neighbor had two daughters who were the same age as my sisters (this is pre my youngest sister). So my dad, neighbor, and the gaggle of young girls all did things together. All the time. I was never invited. It was going to the zoo, ice skating, things like that. I was always told "we didn't think you'd want to go" and every time I'd say "of course I wanted to go" I was told next time. But, unsurprisingly, next time never came. This really ate me up. I had no escape like my sisters did. I was passed from one form or torture to another. I spent my days sitting inside on the internet writing half assed suicide letters and talking to people on the internet who secretly hated me. It was awful.
This little silly factoid is the precursor to the feelings I've been having recently. Like I've been completely left out of everything. Talking to you and the things your family does is weirdly almost upsetting. Don't think I don't wanna hear it or you shouldn't tell me. I want you to tell me. As much as it makes me feel weird, it's also weirdly hopeful for what I'll give my kids. I feel guilty for even telling you this. It's not your fault. At all. I just want to be honest.
There's more than just weird trauma that prevented this stuff. I've also been impoverished my entire life. There's been no wiggle room. It's only now that we're starting to get a little more comfortable. But once you have a poor person mindset, you'll never shake it off.
Another reason is that my father is a hater. He can not stand 99% of things in this world. He hates crowds and standing in line. He "hates happiness and all things fun" according to him. He said Disneyland is his personal hell. I can understand, I probably wouldn't really want to do anything like that either. But it's still a factor.
This wattpad was whiny and stupid. I shouldn't be so ungrateful for the things I've been given. I just hope one day I can make up for all the lost time.
No song for this one.
