I joke about it because it makes me so nervous. I always feel like you're eventually going to hate me or just stop talking to me. At the end of the day I'm just someone on the internet.
I hung out with faith and Jesseny today and it was the most fun I've had in a while.
You can tell by these entries how long it's been taking me to write this.
I had therapy today and my therapist seemed like she really wants me to be medicated. She even said something like "your hallucinations are way more severe than any unmedicated but in therapy person" she always mentions how my mental health is like "whack a mole" (her words) with the way I fluctuate between unbelievably depressed and anxious schizo. It's almost funny. I'm in the anxious schizo phase right now. However I am still having trouble telling myself I'm not faking the schizo. It feels like I'm making it up but I don't even talk about it. I've been really anxious recently too. Everything seems to set me off into a spiral. It's been hard to do stuff without super worrying. I do need to be medicated but I just can't find the motivation to do it. Plus my psychiatrist is an asshole. If I wait a month I'll be 18 and can get an adult psychiatrist. But that's a whole month longer of me being so anxious. I guess we'll just have to see. My therapist said to sleep on it for a week.
It's the last week of summer. This summer was just ok. Nothing too exciting. I'm glad I've been hanging out with faith and Jesseny. We plan to do it more as well. And I'm starting my senior year. So crazy. I've thought about the gap year some more and I'm not going to do it. I have nothing to accomplish that I can't do during school. I'm excited to leave for college too. I'm getting ahead of myself here. I wonder how my prom will be. They originally canceled it but I heard rumors of it coming back. I thought about not going just like every other high school outcast but I probably would spend $60 to wear a dress and listen to shitty music all night. But I'm a sucker for milestones. I wouldn't go with anyone either so it's really not worth it. I'll play it by ear.
I've been reading a lot of the shitty romantic Wattpad stories. I've been feeling very romantic recently so they've really scratched my itch.
TV show idea: the things I think of to fall asleep
I want to meet you so bad. I want to just show up in canada and see all the places you've mentioned in stories. I want to meet all your friends. I want to sit in your bed. I want to put spikes under the covers. I don't think you even understand how much I want to. It pains me. Life is unfair.
Crocheting is fun but I get very frustrated when things don't come out right.
Being sexualized is very taboo to me. I'm ugly and fat so I'm not being sexualized at all. I used to want to be in the most disgusting way. I'd imagine the gross things that could be said to me. Not in a degradation way, I don't even really know what way, but not that. It wasn't really even sexual, kind of just like the attention. I can't explain. It's probably a femme thing. Anyway. I haven't felt like that at all recently. I have a weird feeling of wanting to be protected and cared for. If my therapist knew that she'd have a field day. Following this thought of wanting to be protected, it made me think about how I've never really been cared for in my life. Maybe I am now, but never when it mattered. Hearing things like "I'll make sure of it" make me feel loved in a way I really never have. It's weird to feel wanted. I know I always joke about me being the one to take care of everyone but I just want to be taken care of. I want to be able to rely on someone. I think that's why I feel the need to take care of everyone though. Like that Paul baribeau lyric. "I have been let down by the people that I love but I will not let down the people who love me" I definitely want to take care of someone, don't get me wrong, I just need it in return which I feel like I never get. I'm rambling so hard right now. Maybe this isn't making sense. Maybe I'll denounce all of this immediately after I post it. Who knows.
My titles are always good. I made this one up on the fly.
You are prettier than you think. I enjoy looking at you. I really mean that.
I want to be constantly reassured. I need to be constantly reassured, but I just don't ask for it. I love you. You're pretty. I care. Blah blah blah. Why can't I ever stop being so whiny.
I am not who I think I am.
I am not who people perceive me as.
Who am I?
We lay down on the bed together. My head lays on your stomach. I can hear it making funny noises. I smile to myself. Your hands are in my hair. You're running your fingers through my hair. There's music playing and I can hear you slightly humming. You scoot back to sit up. My head falls into your lap. You're outwardly singing at this point. I look up at you and you don't seem to be looking at anything in particular. You look down at me and cup my face in your hands. You're singing to me now. You stand up and urge me to do the same. I groan and sit on the edge of the bed instead. You grab my arms and dance around. You don't move very gracefully, but you look so good doing it. I get up and dance with you. You swing my arms around and spin me while breathily singing the song. When it ends, you fall back onto the bed. I lay on top of you and feel your chest puff up and down. You wrap your arms around me. We just lay there.
I have more to say but I'm tired. I should write these more. So should you. I love you.
Art gets what it wants and art gets what it deserves
Most people are jokes but you're so real
Most of the time that I use the word "you"
Well you know that I'm mostly singing about you
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My boy, we don't see each other much
My boy, we don't see each other much
It'll take some time
But somewhere down the line
We won't be alone
