It's been a while. I don't have any reason for not writing these. I've had things to say but sometimes putting them down in writing is too much. Writing it down really puts it into existence. I don't want to think about things, definitely not put them into existence.
Just like every other Highschool senior to ever live, I am terrified of what's to come. I don't believe it's the cliche "I don't want to grow up" because I've been grown up since before I was a child. Honestly I just never thought I'd get this far. And even when I did think that, I had these amazing plans for how life was gonna be. I'm just so different now. Obviously I'm different now. If I was the same as I was in 5th grade you might as well shoot me!
I have nothing to complain about right now. Well, I do, but I don't. Everything's going better than planned. Im hanging out with people again, new people especially. I have a job. I'm passing all my classes. Im happy. But why am I so upset? I just can't understand what is wrong with me. Will I ever be happy? Can't I just be content in my life? Will I be miserable forever? I hope not.
I don't even feel like talking to anyone. But that's not true because I feel like if I'm not hanging out with someone every day I'm so lonely. I just can't get myself to call people though. Obviously this is difficult with L****. I just can't. I can't explain it to him well either. What do I even say? "Hey I know that this is literally our only means of communication and what our whole relationship depends on but I can't will myself to stay in a call for more than 10 minutes at a time. Sorry! I'll go drive around with a boy everyone thinks I'm dating instead!" God im such a bitch. Im so horrible. What is wrong with me. I don't deserve anything good. He deserves so much better than me. What do I even do about that? I need to move on before I get too upset about this.
School is fine. Im doing exceptionally well with over 100 in most of my classes. Im failing one but I don't even want to think about that longer than this sentence. School has been too easy to the point where it's hard. I don't know if that makes any sense. Kinda how school has always been for me. Things are just so easy I don't do them. Not out of a sense of superiority, its just boring. I don't know I probably sound like an asshole. "Guys Im so smart did you know I was in the gifted program since 2nd grade?" Please shut up.
I've been trying not to make passively suicidal jokes. That's a telltale sign things are getting bad. I've been seeing them slip there way into my conversations sometimes. I really try not to because I know they'll just make it worse. That's why I try to make grandiose jokes. If you say something enough you believe it, right?
Sorry I've been so distant. If you can't tell by the last 500 words, I've been pretty bummed and busy. I want to call you. I want to try to call you at least. My brain is just so jumbled up. I'm sorry. I hope you know I love you. I can't remember the last time I said that to you, which I don't like. I love you. (You texted me I love you immediately after I typed this. Curious how those things work)
I'll try to put more of these out. It's just so draining to have to think. I don't want to think. I want to space out and live in these scenarios where everything is a 90s rom com and life is good. It's unrealistic but I can't help it. Shoot me I guess.
Ok I don't feel like being conscious anymore.
