Sometimes it feels like everyone is allowed to be sad but me. I'm an inconvenience to everyone around me.
These dumb little situations I make up aren't just nice good things. Sometimes I'll imagine myself in the worst situation I can just because I feel like I deserve it.
I kind of want to move away. I'm tired of my surroundings. The gentrification is becoming more apparent everyday and I would be lying if I said it doesn't bum me out. I'm worried that I'll leave and when I come back everything will look different. This town sucks, but it's the one I grew up in. I'd miss the abundant amount of potholes that made it impossible to drink anything while in a car. I'll miss the broken parks with the slides that shock you the whole way down. I'll miss the convenience store where the guy got stabbed and it gets robbed once a month. I'll miss the uneven sidewalks that you trip over if you don't look form often enough. I'm already tired of the breweries with over priced food. This place has character.
I'm lonely. So so lonely.
I wrote that stuff yesterday when I was emo. From here on out is the stuff from today.
I can't shake the feeling that I'm faking my schizophrenia. I feel like I don't actually have it and I just made it up for attention. Münchausen syndrome has plagued my brain forever. The psychosis has gotten so bad recently. I'm constantly seeing things but I can't even begin to describe what they are. It doesn't freak me out. It's sometimes startling or eerie but nothing too bad. I hope I'm not like this forever.
If you know I struggle with it, why would you criticize me about it. You make me so mad sometimes.
I'm definitely a disappointment.
I really want to be babied. I know I constantly talk about how much I want to take care of other people and my Freudian mother thing but sometimes I just really need to be told it's gonna be ok. I've never been babied and honestly probably never will be. I don't even know if I'd let myself be babied, no matter how bad I want it.
I regret ever hug I've ever turned down.
I'm the friend that the others say they "can't imagine dating anyone"
Having an adult relationship seems desirable but I kind of wish that I had my little high school dating thing. I think I was too outcasted for that though.
I hope I still Wattpad during camp. Even if I can't exactly Wattpad I'll write during the day and post it all when I get home. Although I do hope that I can because we won't be able to talk much during the day and it would be a cool way to keep in touch. I'll miss you a lot too.
I've already got titles picked out hehe.
My uncle asked if I voted for Biden and I said "I'm 17 but I wouldn't have anyway" and he high fived me. I dont think he understood my position. I had imagined once I put my hair up that he was going to call me a dyke and I'd like to believe I would've just left. I definitely wouldn't have just taken it, but I don't know how extreme I would've gotten.
I'm a hypocrite. I would say "who isn't" but I think I need to just acknowledge that I am. I am a hypocrite.
One day I'll write something good. At least I hope I will. If I do, no matter our situation, I'll make sure you read it.
I really appreciate you. I hope we never stop talking. I actually do.
I wish I was prettier.
I hope the Ska'ummer thing happens. And by "happens" I mean I teach a bunch of 10 year olds how to skank and force them to listen to ska for the whole summer. I'm a revolutionary.
2 PM: I missed my class again
Did you miss yours too because you're sleeping in?
Are the two of us both imagining
Seven-hour round trips into each others' beds?
Everything so unexpectedly started to change in the dream
But I was preoccupied with how the magic would end
Because nothing intangible remains sustainable
Hope is a scheme
Will I ever see you again?
Will I ever see you again?
