You don't have to read this. I know you're you so you will but I'm just saying you don't have to. This is mostly just for me to clear out my thoughts and I'll probably delete it eventually too. Tw also. Sorry.
Everything is going exactly as I wanted it to, so why am I so sad? My tell tale signs of "getting bad again" are peaking through. The suicide jokes, crying in the shower, sleeping all the time. I just don't know why though. I'm back in school and I'm doing good again, I'm working decently and making money, I actually have friends and we actually do things, I'm at a pretty good point in my relationships with everyone, people are starting to talk to me, so why am I so sad? I guess that's the thing about being mentally ill, is that it just doesn't go away. A phrase I often use with my therapist is "I'm just too busy to be sad" and that's just not true. There's always time to be sad, and I'm learning that the hard way. Every passing second I'm not distracted by something I feel my brain fog up. I don't listen to music when I walk to school anymore, my brain just won't let me. It just wants to simmer in the sadness. I try to take really quick showers now, I don't want to be alone with my head for too long. I feel like all I do is consume to just occupy my brain. And not even cool consuming. I'm not finding anything new. I'm watching old smosh videos and new girl, comfort things I guess. I noticed that too, whenever I get sad I fall into my comfort things very very quickly. That's why it's been so hard for me to get to your playlists, it's new and my brain just can't handle new things right now. I will get to it eventually though. The worst part is that the psychosis isn't slowing down as much as it usually does. Usually when I enter depressed mode the psychosis is close to nothing, but it's stayed pretty constant. The anxiety is lessening though, and that's definitely the worst thing. And I don't have the "I'm nervous to talk to people and I feel uneasy" type of anxiety, well I do, but I more so mean I have it like severe. My anxiety has gone from "I don't like being out in public" to "I am going to die any second now" It's literally debilitating but I can't do anything about it. It's horrible, and borderline delusional. It's often hard to tell the difference between my delusions and the anxiety. I guess the key difference is the anxiety is the "what if" and the delusions are "this is definitely going to happen" Its like I said with the distracted thing. I ALWAYS have to be distracted. At work if I let my mind wonder too much I will give myself a panic attack about the store being robbed or even silly things like it blowing up or something. I also noticed that I have a super crazy intense fear of gun violence. I constantly feel like someone is going to shoot me. I don't know why, I've barely ever even seen a gun in real life. I need to change the subject because even talking about them is getting me worked up.
My mom comes back on Monday and I honestly feel nothing about it. I don't know how to feel about feeling nothing either. I guess I'll just have to see how it goes.
I don't know why people are taking a sudden interest in me. My brain wants me to believe it's negative, but I'm trying to ignore that. If we were in a call or dms or something I'd say "it's cause everyone is realizing how cool and hot I am" but we're being honest here, and the truth is I just don't know. Sometimes I worry I can't be friends with people because I'm too crazy. J-Fred was telling me about how BU's ex girlfriend is constantly described as crazy because he's like outgoing or something. For some reason this made me feel really shitty. She's getting called crazy for being eccentric, and I'm fucking schizophrenic. I know this is a dumb thing to worry about, I literally don't even talk about the schizo stuff at all. I mean, at all. But I don't know. Even lesbian gets kind of distant about it. I know it makes him uncomfortable, so how am I expected to express this to anyone. I don't want to throw him under the bus. I hate talking bad about him. I don't know man.
I've been missing you a lot lately too. Especially after I read my birthday letter, which was unbelievably good. You always know what to say. I've been missing you in ways I can't describe. I constantly worry I'm being too clingy. I'm just some broad on the internet, and I always feel the need to remind myself of that. I always feel like I'm being too over bearing to you and that you're gonna get uncomfortable which freaks me out. I do love you, but sometimes I just think I'm being too much.
I'm starting to hate myself on the deepest level. If I were a building, I'd be blaming the infrastructure on the crooked paintings outside. That probably doesn't make sense, but it does to me. I'm awful and horrible and I can't understand how people stand to be around me. All I do is complain. Lesbian keeps telling me how annoying it is that I like to complain, and although I really really shouldn't, I keep taking it to heart. But again, I really don't want to talk bad about him. This whole fucking Wattpad is me complaining. I keep working myself up.
The next Wattpad you were supposed to get was going to be about turning 18 and how it feels and what it means. But if I even think about age or the movement of time, I start spiraling. I will eventually put out a very coming of age Wattpad about it and it will be nice, but that night is not tonight.
I would easily make this like 3k words, but I don't want my longer wattpads to be filled with self loathing. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't know what I'm doing at all, or even why I'm doing it. Sorry I'm so annoying and I'm sorry this Wattpad sucks and I'm sorry I'm so slow to putting them out. I love you
