I finished the last final of my high school career today. I came feeling particularly greasy and in way too big sweatpants that I had slept in the night before. I finished the final pretty fast. It was French and majority multiple choice. I did just ok on it I think. My grade is good enough that it doesn't matter. But that's not what this Wattpad is about.
Walking home was weird. When I shuffled my music the first song that came on was Beach Walk by Whitewoods. There is nothing particularly sad or reminiscent (lie that we'll address a little later on) but for some reason right there and then it hit me. I am graduating next week. I will be out of the public school system forever. It hit me pretty abruptly. I mumbled a little, "oh" to myself and just kept walking. The song played and I got a little too sad. My eyes starting getting watery and I couldn't exactly pinpoint why. I kept walking. The song played again.
Next song was Time by Pink Floyd. It was at this point that I started to cry a bit. I felt silly. I was walking home at 9am in this gorgeous weather in my silly outfit with my big book bag on and I was crying. I wasn't sobbing. It was the eye burning quiet cry that had only a little bit of tears run down my cheeks. I felt so silly. I texted my dad this, "Listening to Time while walking home thinking about how its crazy I graduate next week," he replied, "haha yeah it all moves fast. Its all down hill from here." I cry a little harder.
The next song was Oh Comely by Neutral Milk Hotel. I contemplated stopping and just sitting down for a second but I quickly decided I'd rather cry in my room. I still didn't know why I was crying. That's a lie, I knew why but I just didn't want to dwell on it. I was crying over something I ridiculed my peers for only yesterday. It didn't help that on my walk home I pass my middle and elementary school.
Let's examine why I was crying:
I never really liked school. This always shocks people because I'm good at it. I get the straight As and I'm in the AP and honors classes. It just never was for me. I have always had a complicated relationship with my peers. I'd like to say I'm proud of that, which I definitely am, but sometimes I just wish things were different. There are some things about high school I'll miss, but there's certainly more I won't miss. I won't miss middle schoolers yelling at me walking home calling me a fat dyke. I won't miss the kids pretending to ask me out at lunch. I won't miss the AP kids who feel superior because they are better in these classes than other kids. I won't miss the kids who stop in the middle of the hallway. I won't miss the teachers who are too buddy buddy with certain kids. I just won't miss that stuff. But there's stuff I definitely will miss. I'll miss the feeling of spirit week and the electricity of the pep rally. I'll miss the excitement building up to the end of the year. I'll miss the days in class after finals. While writing this I'm struggling to think of things I will and won't miss. I think that sums up my school experience pretty well. It just happened. I wasn't anything particular. It all kind of flew by. Senior year was truly my only good year of high school. The rest of it was just no good. I think it's silly to keep dwelling on this, let's move on.
It's kind of baffling to think of how far I've come. I've spent 13 years in the public school system. That's crazy. I think the thing I'm most nervous about in my letter from 7th grade is the praise I think I wrote. The "I'm proud you made it this far." Because I really meant it. It's so weird thinking about that now. How I felt then thinking of how things would be now. It's so different. This isn't making sense because I'm crying now. Anyway. I'm just thinking about how those were truly the darkest days of my life. I was being abused, my friends were assholes, I was being bullied, I had nothing. It's crazy to think how things have changed. I try not to think about that because it makes me weirdly sad. It's a good thing but Jesus is it depressing. This letter is so intimidating because I could've said anything. I know there's stuff in there that's like "I'm surprised you haven't killed yourself," and the worst part is I really meant that. I don't know. I hope it's not that bad. I think we need to move on.
There will be a better wattpad about this when I'm not so emo. I have a perfect title for the next one.
I want to say this here because it's difficult for me to be nice in calls. I like saying nice things but the reaction and the need that you feel to respond back makes me not want to say it. That's why I like writing it in here. Here are some of the things I wanted to say in calls but you know how I hate saying gay things.
I said this already but I need to emphasize it again. You are the coolest person I know. I always joke around about you knowing niche and obscure stuff but that's honestly one of the coolest things ever. It is truly one of the things I like about you the most. I could listen to you talk about music and books forever. All my coolness stems from you. I can't make a James Ferraro reference to kids in my class without thinking about how you'd think it was funny. I'm cool cause you're cool. It's crazy to me that you can't see that for yourself. Your interests are beyond fascinating. You're everything I wish to be when it comes to that stuff. You nonstop introduce me to my favorite things. I would be completely different had we never met. Every day I am grateful that we've met. You really are my best friend.
I've been thinking about how similar we are lately. I think we're similar and different in the ways that matter. It's kind of eerie sometimes how alike we are, and how much we match up with each other. I think I like that though.
I've been thinking about us meeting a lot. I think about the things I say, the things we do, and just how we'd interact. I mostly think about driving around with you. Driving around with someone is truly the highest form of intimacy for me. I think about driving around at night and listening to music quietly and just talking. I'd give anything for that. I think I should stop before this gets a little too gay. I love you.
And for the last song as I walked up to my room to write this: Eau D'bedroom Dancing by Le Tigre
I'm in the sky when I'm on my floor
The world's a mess and you're my only cure
There's no time for me to act mature
The only words I know are more, more and moreNo one to criticize me then
No one to criticize
No one to criticize me then
No one to criticizeThere's no fear when I'm in my room
It's so clear and I know just what I want to do
Eau d'bedroom dancing
To you I wanna say, you're my thingYou teach me, you teach me, you teach me, you teach me
You only teach me wisely, only show me why
I remember, I remember everything
I don't wanna stop, I remember everything
