My dad and I were talking about my future today. Not for any specific reason, it just kind of came up.
First we talked about college. He told me I could go anywhere I want, which was somewhat reassuring. I'll probably just stay in Pennsylvania, or at least the east coast.
My dad called Maine "the Nova Scotia of America" which made me laugh. We talked about Vermont too, he said it's pretty until it snows and I'm stuck there for a month.
We talked about colleges in Philly. The two main Philly (I say Philly but really only one is technically in Philadelphia) ones are Drexel and Temple. Temple is considered more of a "party school" but my dad said every college is a party school if you're into that. I didn't say this because I didn't want to appear super faggy, but a big aspect in choosing a college for me is the music scene. I know that's probably pretty lame, but I see college as the time for me to do what I've always wanted. Have a cool friend group, go to cool shows, and just be cool. I know you'd be very helpful in picking colleges with scenes. You're very knowledgeable about that stuff. I think it would be funny to be super like punk and like go to these shows but also major in what I probably will major in (which we'll get to in a sec) idc if it's goofy as hell, it's so important to me.
My dad asked me what I wanted to major in and I said I didn't know. He asked me about psychology (aka the thing I planned on doing since I popped out the pussy) but I really just don't see myself doing that. I wouldn't make any money and it would be so emotionally tolling. I don't think my dad was disappointed that I didn't know what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. I think he's just happy I'm thinking about going to college at all.
2 of my uncles are in the trade and therefore a union and they make fuck you money. My uncle once did a job where he was making like 90 an hour just to dick around. My uncle (my dads brother) is a big union guy. My dad is probably going to join one too. He says he'll end up making like 60 and hour. Which is literally twice as much as he makes now. I told him I considered going into the trade. It's good money and there's always jobs for it. Honestly I don't think I'd hate doing it. I could do something dumb like fix elevators or something. I'm pretty good with my hands despite what you might think. I could definitely do it.
My dad said that he thinks I should go into either project management or HSE (basically like health and safety; think OSHA). He says that they're good jobs that are always hiring. He says he could definitely see me doing that. We were looking at salaries and stuff and it's like minimum 50k a year starting which really isn't bad at all. He says he's gonna talk to the people at his work who have those jobs about it. My dad is basically a handyman type (I think; I honestly couldn't tell you what he really does) at this big copy that makes medicine.
He works with a lot of scientist guys who often tell him that he's too smart to be doing what he does. My dad then replies "what I'm doing right now is smart, making a lot of money basically doing nothing" my dad is probably the smartest person I know. Sometimes I feel like he could've done so much if I was never born. However he did have to go to a juvenile high school where he almost failed. When I was born he quickly got a job as a painter and like carpenter and he worked there until I was 15. He then worked at the horrible job where they made him travel constantly and barely paid him. He was pretty miserable then. Everything is much better now though. I think he's pretty happy despite our current circumstances. He really wants to move out of my grandmothers house and but a house for the 5 of us. I hope he can.
Honestly I want to get a good job just to support him and my sisters. Life has been so shitty for us these past couple years. We've been so dirt poor and living with my aunt and grandmother. I want to make a lot of money to help him get a house for them and pay for their things. He would never let me, but I'll sneakily take my sisters out to buy clothes and I'll pay the entire phone bill for a few months. He would say "you're young, you should be saving" but that's exactly my point. I'm young and just beginning my career, I have my whole life ahead of me. I just want to help him as much as I can for as long as I can. Maybe that's cheesy.
I've also been thinking about my sisters a LOT when I think about leaving for college. In my family I'm the mediator. I calm everyone down, I do their chores so they don't get in trouble, I defuse tense situations, I am their maternal figure. I often worry about how things will be when I leave. I don't want them to think I'm "betraying" them by leaving. I doubt they'll think this, but my trauma instinct is to never leave them alone. I'll feel guilty for a while, but I hope that they'll know it's got the best. Im sure when I get my own place not too far from them, they'll constantly be asking to come over. I promised myself that I won't be like their mother. I'll let them come over and I'll buy them food and clothes and I'll make them feel safe and comfortable at my house. I know I shouldn't feel the need to be their mother, but that's been my role my entire life. I just want to be there for them.
I will probably end up doing whatever my dad wants me to. I don't know what else I'd do. I thought about going abroad, or maybe Canada (I know that's abroad idc), or maybe the west coast, but I doubt it. I want to be close to home for as long as I can. When my therapist asked if I could do absolutely anything what would it be, I said I didn't know. That was partly a lie, if I could do anything I'd do something NAWT-esque while writing or making a movie or music or something. I'd meet as many people as I can and intake as many cool things as possible. Then when I'm burnt out and seen everything on this side of the equator, I'd move to France or England or Vermont or British Columbia, and I'd build a family who I'd love to death and I'd be content until I died a peaceful death. But I just said I don't know, because I just felt stupid and childish for saying I wanted that. I honestly didn't know what I wanted when she asked. I think I made some dumb joke about the claws of capitalism but I was honestly pretty worried. What will I do? And will I be happy doing it? I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
I'm more hopeful for the future than I've ever been. It's kind of amazing that I went from a trauma ridden suicidal 13 year old to looking at colleges with a degree in mind at 17. I hope she's proud of me.
I think I'll be ok. Everything will definitely be ok.
I'm hanging out with J____ again tomorrow. I think it's good I'm seeing more people. It's always nice to talk to someone, especially in real life. I've gotten to know her more than when we were friends. I'm glad we have each other though. We have more in common than we think. She's also unbelievably gorgeous. Just thought I'd mention that.
I think talking to my dad about that stuff made me feel more secure. I felt so lost with all that stuff, it's nice to know that someone has a plan for me. I think college will be good for me, and for you too. We're gonna do great things. For sure.
I got so tired of discussing my future
I've started avoiding the people I love
Evenings of silence and mornings of nausea
Shake and sweat and I can't throw up.
