This is gonna be a heavy one. I just needed somewhere to talk about this because it's been weighing heavy on me and it's not something I can casually just bring up. You can fight me on that one, it implies that I need a response. I don't need a response, I just need to get it out.
I have recently been plagued with the irrationally rational fear of gun violence. It's obviously very common to be afraid of guns. I live in America in a crime littered area, so it makes sense I'd be afraid of them. But this is different. It's like paranoia. I'm afraid to leave my house everyday because I'm convinced I'll be shot. Every person I walk by who has their hands in their pockets is holding a gun. Every moment in school is potential for a shooting. I have no reason for this. It's not even a big problem here. There was a week where it was actually a problem but after that there's been nothing. School shooting threats aren't a big problem either. As my dad would say, "black and poor kids don't shoot up schools" which is oddly comforting. Even the day a kid allegedly brought a gun to school and we had a bag check before a pep rally with the whole school in one tight room, I was barely worried about it. I keep having dreams about it. I'm constantly having dreams about it. I keep convincing myself that's a sign. I've been having an insane amount of deja vu recently and I keep telling myself that's because I'm about to die. My gun dreams and reoccurring deja vu means I'm at the end of my days. Everything is foreshadowing. Every wondering moment at work I mentally prepare myself to be robbed at gun point. I have thought about quitting purely out of fear of that. I'm more so excited to graduate to be out of a physical routine high school than anything else. I'm just so paranoid and I don't know why.
I've also been very existential. Every single wandering thought turns into me thinking about my death. I try to image it. I think about what it'll feel like. I try to picture it and then I start freaking out. I become paranoid that everything around me is fake but if I think about it too hard everything will cease to exist. So I try not to think about it but it's very hard to stop once you start. I can't stop thinking about how weird anything is and it's freaking me out so bad. I'm 18 so obviously this is the time to have a thing like this. I hate it so much. I don't want to dwell on this any more than I need to because I will start to freak out.
The theme for tonight is paranoia. I've realized recently that I'm an intense hypochondriac. With every headache I have a brain hemorrhage. With every pain in my side my appendix bursted. With every pain in my left arm I'm having a heart attack. With every soreness in my eyes I'm going blind. I'm sure that's kinda normal. I get so worried about it though, especially the headaches. I always hear stories about people spontaneously dying from their brain just stopping. I often tell myself that if I think about that too hard it'll happen to me.
Everyone is afraid of dying. It's intrinsically human. I don't know why I'm making a big deal out of this. I'm not unique in my thinking. Everyone goes through this. It just makes me so anxious I don't want to exist. It's like I just want to get it over with. I'm so scared. That feeling is so raw, it alone scares me even more.
With these thoughts of death I often think of my dirty room. I think of the mitski lyric. And I've been thinking about moving out soon. Less than a year and I begin my "adult life". I'm surprisingly not worried or anything. I'm more so excited. I worry about the internet but there's more of a call conversation.
I finished the L word and it kind of makes me wonder if I'm missing anything. Again though, call conversation.
Let's end with something nice.
Contrasting everything you just read, I've been in love with everything recently. I read these poems about love and yearning and loss and it just fills me with love. I love the silly little Instagram posts with the collages and short little phrases about love. I think it's just really what I need right now. I need to love and I need to be loved. I will never stop loving. I just can't.
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again
