From Grief We grew (Only On Wattpad)

Chapter 1 Teagan

I sigh looking at the calendar. Today's the day, the day I finally have to get my shit together and attend college. I get dressed in a jumpsuit and pull my boots over my feet. I look at my reflection in the mirror. Two dark patches are under my eyes and my nose is pink. I sigh and grab a tissue to blow my nose.

   You gotta do this for Zayden, my mum's words ring in my ears.

   Being a person who doesn’t use make-up, figuring out how to use it is difficult. I look at the different little containers with make-up. "It's just like painting," I whisper to myself. I managed to do it decently enough. I curl my hair and rub a piece of pink hair chalk on the tips of my hair. I finish it by adding hairspray. I look at the girl in the mirror and barely recognize her. "Fake it till you make it T," I tell myself.

   I grab my phone and dial the number I know by heart. A few rings go then it goes to voice mail. "Hey, bud! I'm probably painting and too busy to pick up your call. Will call once I'm done. If I get this paint off of me that is." I hear him chuckle and then silence. It's my first day at Fanshawe I type and send. I look at my phone but I don't get a reply. It's been 13 months since I last did.

I walk outside slinging my portfolio on my shoulders. My dad looks up from his newspaper and gives me a thumbs up. "Like the new look," he comments. New look, new me, the ghost of a girl that once used to be.

   "You look beautiful," my mum says and hugs me.

   Breakfast is silent. None of us speak. I won't blame them though. I'm a trigger everyone has to be careful with. Once I'm done, I kiss my mum goodbye and leave with my dad. Even the car ride is silent. The car stops in front of a funky-looking building with vibrant colours.

   "Just breathe okay? You'll be okay," my dad finally decides to speak. "If you ever need anything you can go to Hayden. He already said he'll keep an eye on you."

   "Dad I'll be fine. Don't worry," I assure and hug him.

   I walk into the building and look around. I secretly pray not to see Hayden. My eyes catch something. I stop and turn to my right looking at the items in the glass. I step closer and look at the painting on the noticeboard. There are a couple more around it, but my eyes focus on a particular one. Two lovers kissing. A white cloth covers their faces like a veil. I can feel their suffocation, but they try so hard to kiss despite it. I think of him.  I try to relate to it. I just like the lovers, have a veil on. However, mine is invisible. I can't see him. He isn't here. But yet I'm trying to reach him even though I can't see him just like the lovers can't see each other. I see suffocated too. The storm in me slowly builds up.

   "Are you okay?" I see an elderly-looking guy with glasses. "You look like you saw a ghost."

   I nod. Not wanting to stand there any longer, I ask him for help to find my class. He takes a look at my schedule. To my luck. He turns out to be one of my teachers and ends up showing me around.

****

   After the last class of the day, I walk out without saying a word. I find myself stopping at the notice board again. The Lovers by René Magritte. One of the artists I studied in great detail. I frown noticing another name under the picture. Is this not by Magritte? I look at the drawing closely and back at the name below. Lucah Krum. It is a drawing! I stand there amazed. I quickly take a picture of it and send it to him. A year of unanswered texts. This will go unanswered too but I send him the picture and text anyways.

Fanshawe has some great artists. You should have been one of them
:((((

   I turn around and there he is. I start feeling vertigo. He stands there 10th feet away from me happily playing chase with his friends like nothing ever happened. How can you lose someone and act like you didn’t? I wonder to myself. He looks different compared to when I last saw him a year ago. He had long hair back then and piercings on his ears but now all those piercings are gone. His hair is now short and curly which makes him look more like his twin brother than he ever did.

   My stomach twists thinking of Zayden. My hands itch to grab my phone but I don't. I just stand there and watch Hayden. I wonder why he chose Fanshawe? Hayden loved music. Zayden loved art. Art was for Zayden but now it is the other way around. When my dad told me last year that Hayden had gotten into Fanshawe, I was beyond shocked. I clench my fingers in agitation. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Zayden was supposed to be here not Hayden. Zay and I were supposed to join Fanshawe last year but then the accident happened. I decided to skip college for a year and Hayden joined Fanshawe, his brother's dream college.

   After he walks away, I leave the building. I see my dad's car standing on the other side of the road. I cross the road and dunk my head into the car.

   "You go home. I'm gonna take a walk to calm my mind," I tell him.

   "I can come if you want."

   "No, I want to be alone. I'll be fine. You go."

   "Okay. Come home soon." I nod and wave at him.

   I silently start walking in the opposite direction. I stop by Brain Freeze and buy myself two cups of ice cream. One chocolate cookie flavour and the other is butterscotch, Zayden's favourite. Then I take the bus to St.Peter's cemetery. I walk inside and sit by his grave. I keep the butterscotch cup on top of his grave. I hold the spoon and start eating my ice cream.

   "I started college today," I tell him.

   "The building is sooooo cool you know," I say and continue explaining the structure to him.

   If anyone sees me they'll probably think I'm crazy but I don't care. I don't plan on making any friends anytime soon either. I have Zayden even though he's dead I know he's still with me. That's enough for me.

   "I saw your brother too. Gosh, he looks just like you now. If I didn't know better I'd say Hayden was the dead one. Ugh, I don't know why he's doing this but it makes me miss you more." My eyes water as I look at the untouched ice cream that starts to melt.

   "Butterscotch will never be eaten by you ever again. I don't think that's fair to it. Come back," I whisper and close my eyes. "Please."

   "It's been a year and I'm still not able to grow from the grief, Zay. I'm so sorry but I just keep making it worse with a storm," I cry.

   "I don't know how to grow. How to grow without you. My heart is half without you. Come back to me please."

   I take out my sketchbook and start to draw him with charcoal. Then I draw myself beside him. A drop of my tear falls on the book and it hits me that this is the closest I'll ever get to be with him. Art. That's the only place we'll be together.

   Suddenly a bunch of flowers fall from the tree and the wind gushes through my clothes as it embraces me tenderly. I smile and wipe my tears as I whisper, "I don't know how I'm gonna do all this but I'll do it for you."

   I take the letter I wrote for him from my bag and leave it under the cup. I stand up and sling my bag on my shoulders as I start walking. I stop by the gate and look at his gravestone one last time before I leave.

Grief is like an elephant in the room.
It's so big
that it's impossible to get it out.
It only keeps growing
And suffocating the people in the room,
Leaving no space for growth
But only memories
that clings onto the soul,
Piercing through with a hint of truth
That you will never be here again.