Authors note: Play the above song while reading
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I trail behind Bea, taking slow small steps as I feel an uneasy feeling I always get when I walk into the cemetery. Surprisingly her dad is also buried in St.Peter's cemetery. We stop by a grave that’s in the middle of the graveyard. Russell Dawson 1987 – 2018. I stand in silence beside her. I let her have her moment as I try to think of Bea and her father. She has shown me a couple of albums from her childhood and told me some stories these past few days. So using that I mentally draw an image of how they would be now. It makes me smile.
“I think my father’s death was a bigger blow for me than getting raped,” she whispered.
“Ooh.”
“Like he was the last hope I had left in humanity. Once he died I built a shell around myself and stayed in it with memories of my father held dearly to my chest.” I nod listening attentively.
“You have no clue how many times I pushed Hayden away. Ignored him, I lied to him but he never gave up. I guess I feared getting hurt again. My mum died. My ex fooled me. My dad died. My stepmother turned evil. I didn’t think I was ready for one more round. Like heck, I didn’t even think I deserve to be happy.” I gently slip my hand into hers and squeeze it.
“I even tried to kill m-myself,” she whispers as her voice cracks. “If Hayden didn’t save me that day, I would be dead.” Lucah saved me too… I slowly start to see where this conversation is going. Our lives are pretty similar in many ways.
“I still tried pushing him but he kept coming back. Man is he persistent.” She chuckled. “Every time he came back I found the shell cracking little by little until it all came undone.”
“Lucah broke down my walls too…” I trail off.
“Mmm. I was scared to be happy, you know? I thought If I didn’t be happy, I can prevent sadness. What I didn’t realize was that sadness was around no matter what. By running away from happiness I was only feeding onto the pain more. I guess as they say sorrow and joy are part of life. They come in a pair. You can’t keep them away.”
Tears roll down my cheeks. I can’t help but relate to everything she says. “That’s true,” I whisper. She hums in response. We silently walk up to Zayden's grave and I place the bouquet of iris flowers I bought for him.
“I pushed away Lucah too. Lied. Screwed up. But somehow he became dear to me,” I tell her.
“You should talk to him.”
“I wanna find myself first.”
“I think you can only do that if u let yourself be genuinely happy.”
“I’m trying. I’ve tried doing stuff I used to love but still, my drawings hold grief. I still feel empty. Like I’m happy when I’m skating and all but then I go home and it sinks in again. I feel like I'm only half the girl I used to be… still lost. ”
“Maybe you are looking in the wrong place or you need to reconstruct? Maybe change your room setting and vibe?” she looks at me.
“I guess I can try that.”
“I’ll tell you something my dad said to me when I refused to talk to anyone after my mum died. When grief hits us we become like creepers. If we don’t search for help and shut people out instead, We will be growing in the mud and will reach no heights. We will succumb to the dust. But if we take the hands of those who love us and try to grow, they'll be like sticks that support us to grow so tall that people from heaven will see us and smile.”
“That’s a nice metaphor. Sounds like something Zay would say.”
She nods and says, “I uhm wanna buy more flowers. Stay right here. I’ll be back.” She walks away not giving me a chance to reply. I frown as I watch her. Then I look back at the grave as I get lost in thoughts once again. What do I do Zay? Will he even want to see me after everything? How am I going to fix this?... “I wish you would just show me a way,” I whisper.
“Teagan?”
My heart skips a beat and I almost stop breathing. Could it be? My heart pounds against my rib cage eager to fall into the hands where it belongs. But I don’t dare to look sacred that my imagination is playing tricks on me again. I feel a hand on my shoulder. My stomach twists. I slowly turn around. I blink a couple of times to ensure it’s really him.
“Are you okay?”
It is! It takes the will of every cell in my body to not cling onto him and sob. I breathe slowly and nod. I stare at him taking in his beauty. Nothing changed except his hair. A little longer and messier.
“How are you?” we ask at the same time. Horrible, terribly missing you, I wanna say but I don’t. “I’m okay. You?” I tell him instead.
“I’m good.” oh.
Why is he here though? I look around and see two silhouettes by the gate. Ah, I should have known. I look back at Lucah. Should I tell him I miss him? No. No. Let’s not sound desperate. But you are. Ugh!
“Soooo,” he says sliding his hands into his pockets as he looks at the grave.
“M-my best friend since childhood. Zayden Fenwick. Hayden's brother,” I manage to say. He nods but doesn’t look at me. I open my mouth to tell him more but I choke on my tears. I look down as I start fidgeting with my fingers.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me,” he says.
“I-I will. Just give me f-few more days,” I shutter. But how long is a few days? I frown. This is not fair to him. “I'm so sorry,” I whisper.
“It's Okay.” Why does he have to be so kind? I lift my head and look at him again. “Please d-don’t cry,” he mutters and frowns.
“Avery is missing,” I tell him trying to change the subject as I wipe my cheeks.
“I know. Bea told me.” Hmm, I wonder what else Bea told him. I don’t say anything. Once again awkward silence.
“Uhm should I go?”
NO! But instead, I say, “Idk.”
He nods and looks around wondering what to do. “Okay.” he turns around and starts walking away. Damn it, Teagan are you gonna fuck up again? I shake my head and scream, “No! Wait.” I run after him. He turns around sharply. A big grin plastered on his face. I’m about to jump into his arms but then it hits me: It’s not fair to play with his feelings. I stop three feet away from him and his smile drops. I look at him while fighting the urge in me, debating if I should go with what I want or what is right.
Saving me from my misery, Bea appears and pats Lucah. “Lucah! What are you doing here? How are you?” I roll my eyes.
“I’m good. You?”
“I’m good.” Then she looks at me. “Teagan I gotta go to the police station. Sorry, I won’t be able to come.” she pouts.
“I’ll drop you.”
“No. No, girl. Just because I can’t accompany you to the escape room doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go. Hayden will drop me.” What is she talking about? I come to ask her but she doesn’t give me a chance. “Maybe you can take Lucah and go with my ticket. Lucah are you free?” oh.
Lucah nods. I just stand there bewildered. She doesn’t linger around to be questioned. She hands Lucah the tickets, tells him the address and leaves immediately. Lucah looks at me, “We don’t need to do this if you-“
“No. Let’s go.”
I lead him to my car and we get in. At first, the drive is silent but then he asks me, “I heard you are a mafia gang leader now?” I chuckle at the mention of my new nickname that the pair kept for me.
“Yeah, you can say that.”
“Well tell me about it.” He says and just like that, we start talking like everything is fine. He teases me now and then while I narrate the other day's incident. We both laugh heartily. My heart slowly starts to feel warm again.
“So thanks to you the police will find him?” Lucah asks
“Sadly no. Some lawyer came and bailed Amelié out yesterday. Pierre somehow figured the cops were onto him and fled the location.”
“F*ck.”
I nod.
We find ourselves at a 5 story building. We check ourselves in at the reception and give away our phones. Then one of the men dressed in black suits, lead us into the elevator. Lucah and I make small talk about the last time he and I visited a place like this. The elevator stops at the 3rd floor and we walk out.
“There are a total of 4 rooms. You have 60 minutes to escape. If you panic or there is any emergency, just say Frozen apples and we’ll get you out. Since you’re only two people we will give you a lifeline. If you get stuck on some puzzle you can ask for a clue. Just ask for it in the mic. One clue only,” the suit guy instructs as he leads us toward a door down the hallway.
“What if we don’t finish on time?” Lucah asks.
“The game stops and we will lead you out blindfolded.”
He opens a grey door. We only see darkness beyond it. Lucah locks his fingers with mine. I look at him. “Are you ready?” I take a deep breath and nod. We both walk in together. “Good luck to you. Your countdown begins now,” the suit guy says and the door closes behind us while the lights come on simultaneously.
My eyes land on the big digital clock that has the countdown on it. There are three flower pots on our left. There is a table and chair towards our right. A black door beside it. Lucah tries to open it but it doesn’t move.
Analog clocks are hanging all around the room. I count them. 1…2...3..4… 9 clocks in total. I walk around trying to study the clocks. They are each showing at a different time.
Upon hearing a thud sound I turn around. Lucah is sitting on the floor with one of the flower pots tilted on the floor. All the sand from it is on the floor as he digs through it. “I think the clock is the puzzle,” I tell him. He looks at me and then at the clocks.
“I’m sure these pots here are for a reason. Maybe the clue is in it,” he reasons.
“Okay I’ll study the clock by the time,” I tell him and go back to looking at the clock. Each clock has patterns on them. One has flowers around the edge. One has a map in the background. One has Jesus. Another with mother Mary. I bump into the chair and my attention shifts to the table. That’s when I realize it is a study table. I notice a sticky note with a schedule scribbled on it.
Botany assignment – 1\15
Choir practice – 1/20, 1/23
Spider-man movie – 6\31
Geography test – 1/25
P.E redo – 3rd hour tomorrow
Theatre – 1/30, 2/10, 2/20
I look at it closely. Could these be the time instead of dates? In that case, the designs of the clocks must be subject-related! I get on the chair and look at the first clock. The frame looks like curtains. Curtains are significant to Theatre, right? I turn the time to 1:30. The next clock has the flower frame. Must be botany. I look down at the note stuck on the table to double-check the time. I turn the handle to 1.15. The next clock is out of my reach. So trying to get down, I lower myself and go to hold the table. But then I get distracted upon noticing something purple on Lucah's neck. My hand ends up grasping at thin air instead and I lose my balance. With the chair, I fall straight to my knees. I hold my hands out so I don’t hurt my face.
Lucah crawls over to me. “Are you okay?” I try to sit and stretch my legs but my knee hurts. I wince while I force my legs to spread out. The bruise on my knee that was fading looks darker now. I frown. This knee of mine sure has bad luck. Luckily the cut I got from the river over it, didn’t open up.
Lucah rubs his thumb over it and I hiss in pain. “Couldn’t you just ask for help?” he asks in a harsh tone.
I wouldn’t have fallen if I hadn’t noticed the hickey on your neck, I mentally tell him. I suddenly feel agitated too. “I'm fine,” I say and push his hand away.
“Fine? You’re not fine!” I snap and lift my left leg. I hiss from pain due to the sudden movement. He places it on his lap and points at the bruise. “Look at this! Look at you! How long are you gonna keep doing this?” he yells. I almost laugh. Lucah, do you even know why that happened in the first place?
“Doing what?” I ask.
“All this." He gestures at me. “Acting tough. Trying to do everything yourself. Being Miss. I am strong and I don’t need anyone’s help.”
“I don’t need your help,” I mutter and pull my leg away. I stand up. My sudden movement makes me feel vertigo. I feel myself swaying. Lucah wraps his hand around my waist and pulls my hand over his shoulder. I turn to tell him to let go but then I see his expression. His eyes. They hold concern. My irritation washes away just like that.
“I know you want to be independent, Teagan but I can’t pretend to be a stranger. I love you. I want to be there for you and help you get through all this pain, T. Together. But you just won’t let me.”
I feel guilty. I realize that everyone in different ways tried telling me the same thing. To not be alone. To let them help. But all I did was be adamant and hurt them. My chest tightens but I try not to cry. I turn and give him a quick hug. Then I look at him and whisper, “Can you help me turn the handle for the clocks?”
YOU ARE READING
From Grief We grew (Only On Wattpad)
RomanceZayden is dead and the world isn't the same without him. Two grieving souls but they aren't the only ones broken. One shuts everyone out in the name of grief. One hides behind a smile. Teagan and Hayden try to avoid each other after the death...
