From Grief We grew (Only On Wattpad)

Chapter 35 Bea

He'll be a good father someday. Hopefully Hope's father, I can't help but think to myself as I watch Hayden walk away. Immediately I have a counter thought saying, You Don't deserve him. Correcting the negative thought, Mary says, "You have a lovely husband."
 
   Husband. I blush. "Oh no, he isn't my husband." I almost imagine her frowning and judging me. So I quickly continue, "That's my boyfriend and his siblings."
 
   I remember the disapproval tone Mira had when she found out I was pregnant at the age of 18. She always judged me for it. Said I was too young and naïve. Avery is cursed to be my child. That my stupidity will get us both killed if it wasn't for her and my dad. That I'll never be a good mother and she's right. I can't even own my daughter yet. I'm ashamed and I hide. What kind of a mother am I? I can't even handle a simple thing like when she cries. I freak out and it is Mira that always attends to her. Avery does deserve better...
 
   "Well you are very lucky," Mary says.
   I don't deserve him too...
 
  "If you had to die it would have been better for all of us," Mira's words ring in my ears. Shame. Shame. Shame. I feel suffocated. Mary tells me, "The little one is so cute. Never cried. Not even one when I carried her. So brave." This only makes me feel miserable. I don't deserve them... I take deep breaths as she packs my bag.
 
   I thank Mary before grabbing everything and rushing outside. I see the sign for the toilet on my left and run to it. Luckily it's empty. I throw everything near the sink and look in the mirror. Someone screams, "You don't deserve a child! Or him." I hold my head as tears roll down my cheeks. My hands tremble but I manage to grab my inhaler and take a puff. The thoughts don't stop. My fight with Mira this morning plays in my mind and more insults add to my string of thoughts.
 
   I hear footsteps. I quickly push everything into the paper bag by Forever 21 and rush into the nearest stall. I hug myself as I sit down. I think of my father and softly whisper the words he sang to me when I was sad, "Y-you're my h-honey bun sugar plum. P-plumpy humpy pumpkin." I sniffle. I close my eyes picturing my dad. The way he would kiss my cheeks...
 
  Eventually, I feel numb and still. "I miss you, dad," I say and wipe my cheeks. I go back outside and wash my face. I look at my reflection and try not to cringe. My eyes are puffy from the lack of sleep and crying. What does Hayden see in me? I wonder. I push the thought behind me as I leave the washroom.
 
   I look around trying to find Hayden when I see a gift shop. I smile and take a visit to buy something for Hayden. I place an order with them and just as I'm about to pay, my phone rings.
 
   "Babe, where are you?"
 
   "I uhm I was in the toilet. Where are you guys?" I pay the cashier and get the bill.
 
   "McDonald's."
 
   "Okay. I'm on my way."
 
   I hide the bill and take his card out before going to McDonald's. I spot the ice head in the corner with the two kids. As I walk up to them, I notice a Mickey mouse toy in Avery's hand.
 
   "I told you don't buy her anything," I say as I sit down and hand him his card along with the forever 21 bill. He shakes his head and doesn't take the bill. "I don't need that and look how happy she is! You can't say no to that face." I roll my eyes knowing it is no use disagreeing and just thank him.
 
  When we return, Hayden lies to his parents claiming that my aunty is out of town. His parents being the amazing people they are, immediately agree for me to stay. I however feel bad for lying.
 
   "Thank you so much," I tell Katherine when she takes me to Zayden's room.  
 
   "It was nothing, Darling. You are family now." Her words make my heart warm. She kisses Avery on the cheeks and wishes me goodnight before she leaves.
 
   I sigh and lay with Avery on the bed. Her small hand pats my cheeks. I turn and kiss her palm. She giggles. I hold her hand on my cheeks as I look at her. "I'm sorry for being such a bad mother, Barbie doll. Mama promises I'll be better. I'm gonna try."
 
   She probably doesn't believe me because she immediately starts crying. I panic. "No! No! No! What's wrong?" I check her diaper but it's dry. I carry her in my arms and rock her. "Shhhh it's okay. It's okay. Mama is sorry," I tell her but she doesn't stop. I find myself crying too. "Please forgive me." My head pounds from her loud screeching. "Please stop," I whisper.
 
   "Bea?"
 
   I stand up and look at Hayden as I ramble, "She won't stop crying. I don't know what to do. M-my head hurts. I don't know what to do. I'm such a bad mother. "
 
   "Shhhh it's okay. I got her," he says and carries her.
 
   "I'm sorry she's-"
 
   "Hey, it's okay. You go take a shower."
 
   When I come out of the shower I find him sitting on the window silt rocking Avery in his arms.  I realize he's also singing to her, "and I love to sing this song to you 'cause you are so dear." My heart warms recognizing the song.  I stand and watch him. how did I get so lucky?
 
  When he notices me, he gets up. He places her on the bed with pillows around her before taking my hand. He leads us out of the window and we end up sitting on the roof. He wraps an arm around my shoulders and I lean into him.  
 
   "You know no one is really born with a guide on how to take care of kids, right? We just learn it little by little. So It's okay to get stressed and not know things."
 
   "I know but no mother will ever disown her kid. I told Mary that she is your sister. I never tell anyone she's my daughter. You're the only one that knows."
 
   He doesn't say anything so I go on, "My dad never told anyone I was pregnant. I stayed at home after high school to conceal the news. Mira couldn't get a child so they told me they will tell everyone it was theirs once I give birth. Mira was so nice then. Happy that a child is going to be born. Even though she was disgusted when she first found out. My dad assured me I wouldn't have to deal with parenting. That I didn't need to answer anyone. A girl with no responsibilities because I had him to bear it. But then he died..."
 
   He pats my back without saying a word.
 
   "One day I'm happy to get my vision. To start a new life. The next day I'm given the burden of taking care of a family. I-I don't think Avery is a burden b-but it is hard you know. I never wanted this. I couldn't abort the child, because I was weak. I might have died. I had no choice. But yet I can't help feeling bad. Avery has to suffer for my stupidity. If only I had been more careful..."
 
   "Bea you have every right to feel that way. You weren't given a choice. I would react this way if I were you too."
 
   I nod and continue, " It was two weeks after the operation... I was devastated and Mira, she wanted to leave. She blamed me for everything and disowned Avery. Said Avery is a product of my lust and she doesn't want anything to do with it. I cried and begged her to stay. That's when she told me that my dad used most of his savings on me. The instrument shop he owned, he sold it for my operation. She blamed me for his death and said I was a curse-"
 
   "I hope one day I get to slap this hoe," Hayden mutters.
 
   "I was scared. I didn't know how to be a mother. I had no money. So I begged her to stay. I promised to go to work and look after both of them if she stayed. She agreed and continued to look after Avery as her own."
 
   "Except when she goes gold digger mode," he comments and I nod.
 
   For a long while there is silence. I start to wonder is he judging me? No, Hayden wouldn't. I look at him. He seems deep in thought. I open my mouth to call him but he bests me to it, "I'm sorry you had to go through all that." He finally looks at me. "You are not a curse and it is not your fault what happened." He squeezes me and then pulls away while looking at the moon.
 
   "Hayden," I call, his silence and lack of words making me anxious.
 
    "The world well life can be a cruel place sometimes... Zayden believed otherwise. He said yes the world can be so mean to us. But in this very world are good things like art, music, Teagan, you, me. We need to focus on those good things while the pain slowly subsides because everything in life is temporary. Even pain. I guess we just have to hang on and Bea." He pauses and takes my hand. "You are not alone. I will kiss the scars that form on your hand while you hang on. I will do my best to make your life suck less."
 
   His words bring tears to my eyes. I cling onto him and he hugs me. "I know you are scared. The world can be harsh. You are doing your best to protect yourself from it. That is okay. I understand. But you need to remember that people are going to talk no matter what might as well do whatever we want."
 
   He keeps patting my back. "You don't need to tell everyone. You can tell who you trust. But first, you need to come to terms with your situation. I think if you don't accept life as it is, it is never going to be pleasant."
 
   "I have seen the way you look at Avery. I know you love her. But do you love you?" he pulls away and cups my cheeks looking at me for an answer. I shake my head. He replies, "If you can't love and accept yourself, then you won't be able to love anyone else."
 
   "But I love you," I whisper. "I love you a lot." He whips my tears with his thumb and kisses my head.
 
   "I know and just like that I want you to love you the way I love you."
 
   I nod still crying bitterly. His words, him and the way I feel about it, my past, sadness, pain, gratitude, every emotion mixes and falls through my tears. Soon I let out a sob as I kiss the breath out of him after hearing what he says.
 
   "Also you can tell people Avery is my child if you want. Cause I would be happy to adopt her one day."