From Grief We grew (Only On Wattpad)

Chapter 48 Teagan

Once again I find myself ringing another doorbell. Another place filled with him but I know he won’t be here at 8.30 in the morning. The door opens revealing Alfonso. He yawns and rubs his eyes “You? Lucah isn’t here,” he grumbles and starts to close the door.
 
   I quickly put my leg out and hold the door. “I know. I came to see you.” He frowns staring at me as he opens the door again. “Can I come in?” he nods and lets me in. I walk inside and take my seat in the chair.
 
   “Would you like to have a cup of coffee?”
 
   “No thank you.”
 
   “Mmm If this is about Lucah. There is nothing I can do.” He sits on the couch in front of me.
 
   I nod and take out the pink and black drawing book that I showed him that day. “You said you didn’t see me in my art. What do you see?” he curiously looks at me for a moment, then takes both books and goes through them again.
 
   “This,” he points at the old pink book. “Is edgy, bold and very vibrant. Absurd too. I don’t see fear here. I see someone who is not afraid to explore art here. It’s unique. But this.” He points at my recent one, the pink book.  “The colours are more aesthetic and soft. It’s beautiful but I don’t see that girl here. I see fear here and a compulsion to be perfect. I see the influences of other artists. The colours are inside the lines, they are mixed perfectly. Is this who you are?”
 
   I feel my throat run dry. Zayden had a kind of compulsion when it came to art. He studied artists in great detail. He liked everything to be perfect and within the lines. He was all about aesthetics and matching. I on the other hand saw art as a nice hobby and simply explored it.
 
   I take the black book with a gold spiral. I hand it to him. “What about this?”
 
   He frowns as he studies them. I expect him to ask me who the boy is but instead, he says, “This. This has a different touch. I see perfection but the colours and techniques have a unique combination. So there is also exploration. It’s like the person who drew this.” He points at the pink book. “And this.” The old black book. “Became one.”
 
   I don’t know what to make of it so I ask him, “Is that a good thing?”
 
   “Do you want it to be?”
 
   I frown. “I don’t know. But that person was my happy place so I kept drawing him to keep him alive.”
 
   “But the date of the last painting. It isn’t recent.”
 
   “Because of Lucah,” I whisper.
 
   He nods and asks, “So why haven’t you gone after him then?”
 
   “I…” I play with my fingers. I whisper, “It's not fair.” choking on my tears
 
   “What is?” 
 
   “This,” I gesture to the books. “Me. None of this. He doesn’t deserve someone who is broken. Shattered. Someone who is living in the past. I need to forget him right? I need to stop doing everything he did. I know that b-but I just don’t know how. You said I need to find myself. I’m going to do that. I even booked an appointment with my therapist. Once I manage to fix myself, I’ll go after him. If he wants me back that is…”
 
   He stands up. “Come with me.” Without waiting for me he walks away. I frown grabbing all my books. I push them into my bag and run after him. He opens a door revealing a staircase. He turns on the light and I follow him down the stairs. I look around the dusty attic with cardboard boxes laying everywhere. In the center of the room, a pottery-making wheel stands and around it, there are small pots. He walks around searching for something. I just stand there. He carries a wooden trunk and walks back to me. He drops it on the floor and gestures for me to look in. “Go ahead.”
 
   I get on my knees and open it. I pull out an A3 size canvas. On it, there is a painting of half of a man's face. His face holds so much grief. He has blood running down his eye. There are wrinkles on his face and dirt looking almost realistic. There is a reflection in his eye. A silhouette of what seems to be a woman. I pull out another canvas and see a woman. Is this Ashley? Her face holds so much pain as she pouts and holds her hand out. Another hand emerges from the side trying to touch hers. Her hand that reaches for him is painted transparently up to her sleeves. Around her there are clouds.
 
   There are also some sheets rolled and tied tired with a string inside the trunk. I go through some of them. I recognize the lady only by her golden locks. Her face, he draws it differently on every sheet. I look at Alfonso. He silently watches me sitting on a mini stool.
 
   Next, I pull out a big vase. Like Keat’s Grecian urn, There are stick fingers of a man and woman. They are hugging. Dancing. Kissing. I take a plate that lays in the trunk. It also has engravings. Engravings of the lady's face on the plate which is gray as clay. Not painted like the pot.
 
   “I hated pottery,” he finally says.
 
   “Oh.”
 
   “But she loved it.”
 
   “Is this Lucah's caretaker?” I ask.
 
   “Mmm. She loved pottery and made me get this machine. She would always make little pots as a gift for my students. She would sit and carve making extravagant designs on them. Sometimes I’d help her paint them.” He doesn’t look at me as he talks. He goes through the pots on the floor instead.  
 
   “But when she died I suddenly hated painting. I only ever painted her. Over and over. I found myself coming here and working on this wheel. It made me feel like she was still around. I stayed here for months. Drank, eat, sleep, paint or pottery and repeat. I shut Lucah out. I couldn’t look at him because he reminded me of her.” I remember Zayden telling me about this. How Alfonso stopped mentoring students because he’s become a madman without his lover. Zayden was very sad when he heard the news. He was hoping to become his mentee.
 
    “But then I learned that my boy was doing badly in college. His health was declining. It was when he fell sick and got a heart transplant that it hit me really hard. This boy needs me. I started reading the comments of fans and so many people wrote to me trying to comfort me. That’s when I realized I only thought about myself. I didn’t realize by keeping this pain within myself I was hurting everyone around me. I needed to let go.”
 
   “How did you do that?” I whisper choking on my tears. I never really thought I’d be standing here and sympathizing with my idol.
 
   “Well, I stopped all this first. I appointed Lucah as my apprentice. I spent more time with him and my friends. We paint together. A lot. Even visited my family. I went to art events. Painting something other than her felt weird but all the support I got from my fans and how my loved ones made me feel, it inspired me again. As for all the paintings and pots, I had an exhibition and sold them. I let the whole world see my darling. How can she be dead if everyone knew her? If only I did, she would die with me. That day I felt so free. People saw their own loved ones in her and they felt my pain. You should have been there, you would have loved it.” His last sentence makes my heart warm. He isn’t looking at me though. He's admiring the canvases. “I only kept these as a memory.” 
 
   He finally looks at me. “Finding yourself doesn’t always mean you go back to the old you. It simply means finding thy self in peace. The self that’s happy in a surrounding that makes you feel alive. We all grow and change so you don’t necessarily need to go back to the old you. You only need to ask yourself if you are happy with the self and its surrounding right now.”
 
   “B-but is hard. We grew up together and now suddenly I have to live without him. I stopped swimming because he was scared of water and skating. I use his shampoo to feel like he is near. Although thanks to Lucah and my friend I got back into swimming and skating…”
 
   “Close your eyes?” he randomly says.
 
   “What?” I ask in confusion.
 
   “C'mon.” I nod and close my eyes. “Just let your thoughts follow my words…You are in a place right now.” I automatically find myself in Tames river. “Experience the surrounding.” I think of the water and the way it ripples past my skin. “Now you’re doing something in the surrounding.” I start swimming. The cool breeze brushes my face every time I come out for breath. “You hear laughter.” A huff-like chuckle sound. “You turn around and look at the person.” Lucah chuckles as he splashes water on me. I yelp and do the same. I find myself smiling.
 
   “Open your eyes.”
 
   I blink. Suddenly my heart aches and I want to see Lucah.
 
   “Finding yourself doesn’t happen overnight, Teagan. It isn’t an Epiphany. It’s a slow process something you shouldn’t be doing alone. Surround yourself with people and things that make you feel alive and happy. The scene you saw just now, was it an old memory with the guy in your drawings?” I shake my head. ”Then you are already on your way to finding yourself. That scene you saw is where you will heal.”

   I stay silent. I think of how I was before I met Lucah and the ways he changed me after we met. I feel guilty. “B-but I can’t go to Lucah. I need to tell him about my friend but that requires talking about the accident. Have died in front of my eyes. I-I it’s I want to forget that it ever happened.” I bury my face in my hand. “I just don’t know how to live knowing he isn’t alive anymore so I just don’t talk about his death. That way I haven’t lost him.” 
 
   He pats my shoulder. I look up at him a little surprised by his touch. He shakes his head. “You can never really lose someone fully. Once your heart tastes their love it gets inked onto you. You can move on but you will always carry a piece of them in you. If there were bitter to you, you will look past that stain but if they made you feel loved, you will always come back and trace the mark they left and your heart will glow with memories. They might be out of sight but never really gone.”
 
   Tears roll down my eyes as I nod. He walks up to the pots lying around and takes one. He hands it to me. “I still do pottery sometimes so I can reminisce over her. Just because I moved on doesn’t mean I forgot her completely. I never can. She lives in me. I have simply expanded the place in my heart for more people to come in and allowed myself to go forward.”
 
   “Are you seeing someone?” I ask but immediately regret it when he frowns. “I'm sorry-“
 
   His expression softens. “Yes. I met someone. I don’t think she’d want me to be a hermit.” He chuckles. I smile. He however frowns again. “I think Lucah is here.” That’s when I hear the jiggling of keys and Julie barking.
 
   “I thought you gave him a day off,” I whisper.
 
   “I did.” He keeps staring at something. I follow his eyes and see another flight of stairs through a narrow passage. “You should leave.” I nod slinging my bag over my shoulder. “Keep the pot.” I thank him and push it into my bag.
 
   “Alfonso!” the sound of Lucah's voice makes me stop walking. I find myself looking back. Alfonso catches me staring and says, “I’ll take care of him don’t worry.” I nod. “Just don’t shut him out for too long like I did.”