From Grief We grew (Only On Wattpad)

Chapter 42 Lucah

I look at her with hesitation. Tell her. I feel embarrassed and look away. Again I look at her and open my mouth but close it. Looking up from her food, Teagan looks at me and asks, “Are you okay?” I nod and finally admit, “I’m just in a debate.”
 
   “What’s up?”
 
   “I just. Mmm, yesterday our friends were talking about meeting for Christmas. I think Fiona or Haley said it.  So I want to uhm invite you and them for lunch. At the orphanage, we eat as a group regularly. But once I moved out it has just been Paul and me. Then Ashley started dating Alfonso and sometimes they invited me over but I didn’t intrude mostly. I like getting together and eating with a big crowd sometimes. I like to cook for people even more.”
 
   “Hey, that’s a good idea. I’ll come over and help you. We'll do this together,” she says and holds my hand.
 
   “Do you think they would mind?” I ask in embarrassment.
 
   “What do you mean?”
 
   “I wanted to suggest this yesterday itself. But I’m hesitant. My house. Well, it is barely a house. A small living room. Two rooms and a kitchen. It’s small. I felt bad to take you there. You, Hayden...you guys have big houses. I don’t know how rich Bea is-“
 
   “Lucah…” she grips my hand and looks at me seriously. “Even if you live in a small cell, I would happily be there with you. So don’t you dare feel embarrassed and boy the way you decorated your room. I love it! You should know that.” I smile. “And see Hayden wouldn’t mind too. Neither would Fiona or my parents. I lived in a small house too before I went to England. It is never about the house. It is about the people who live in it. My house was small but we had good times there.”
 
   “So you knew Hayden since you were kids,” the words fly out of my mouth like an accusation even though I don’t mean it. I remember how she told me he was her family friend. Like he was a stranger. Later her parents said that they were best friends.
 
   She stays silent. She won’t tell you. Why do you even trust her? I find myself thinking. I quickly push the thoughts away. No. Teagan must have a reason. She sighs and replies as if reading my thoughts, “Yes. We’ve been friends for many years. Diaper buddies, you can say. It’s just that growing up it has been three of us. Until it became two. I couldn’t look at Hayden anymore without the other. It didn’t feel right being near him or his family. Or mine too, to be honest. So I pushed everyone away.”
 
   I move closer to her and she leans on me. “I kind of grew a bubble that shut everyone out. My parents worried about me a lot.  They sent me for therapy. Group sessions. Nothing helped clear the storm in me. Not even the pills. Just temporarily. I remained shut off. No friends. I hardly spoke. That’s why when I joined college, my parents were determined for me to find a friend.”
 
   “And you asked me?”
 
   She nods. “I’m sorry I lied. I let myself be alone for more than a year. I didn’t think I could ever be around Hayden again or even find it in my heart to be this close to someone. I thought I’ll push you away. I tried but I failed. Now here we are and I can’t even imagine being away from you anymore but I know there is still so much I must tell you. About my friend. The secret still stands between us and I’m sorry. I really am. That I can’t tell you. I’m not ready yet.”
 
   She was crying bitterly. I pull her to my chest. “It's okay. I’m just glad you gave me a place in your heart. I will wait till you are ready. I won’t force you. Even with our relationship. We can take our time. I’ll wait, be patient... I love you after all.”

***

I sit in her room waiting for her to get dressed. We are about to head to the market to buy vegetables and meat to cook for tomorrow. Teagan insisted on hosting the lunch with me, saying, “We are a couple. We need to do this together.” Honestly, it made my heart flutter.
 
   I see her sketchbook lying on her desk. The same black leather bound I remember she showed Alfonso. Curiosity gets the best of me and I reach out for it. I take it and slip the elastic off. I open the book to look at what's inside. My fingers run over the painting on the first page. But before I can study it, a hand lands on mine. I look up. “What are you doing?” she doesn’t look pleased. She removes my hand abruptly and pulls the book. I blink. “Why are you touching my things without my permission?”
 
   “What? You saw mine. I just wanted to see your drawings,” I tell her calmly.
 
   “Without my permission?!” she snaps.
 
   “Teagan I didn’t think a sketchbook is something so private. Plus you showed Alfonso. Why can’t I see it?”
 
   “I- it- I just don’t like anyone seeing my book without me,” she says in a small voice and looks away.
 
   “Okay. I’m sorry. Can I see it now?” I ask and hold out my hand. She cluthes it to her chest. Something about her action ticks me off and I ask, “So Alfonso can see it but I can’t?”
 
   “It is not like that…”
 
   “Then what is it?” I snap. “Is this another secret or do you only want validation from him, uh?”
 
   She shakes her head. “Lucah you know I’m not like that!”
 
   “Then give me the damn book!” I yell. She shakes her head. “Why! What is in that? What is in that that you can’t show me?” she stays silent. “Fine. Have it your way.”
 
   “Lucah.” She reaches out and I step back. “Please try to understand.”
 
   “I’ll just go to the market myself,” I inform and turn around.
 
   “Wait.”
 
   “Just leave me alone,” I grit and walk away.
 
   All my anger subsides when the cool winter breeze hits my face. By the time I reach the market, I regret fighting with her. Her face flashes before my eyes and I now realize she had tears in her eyes. “Please try to understand.”  Her words repeat. I feel bad. Maybe she drew that person in it. The thought sinks in and I immediately pull my phone out to call her.
 
   “Lucah.” Her voice doesn’t come from the phone but nearby. I look around and I see her. Few feet away from me. I run to her and cling onto her. “I'm sorry baby. I’m sorry. I let my anger get the best of me.” I squeeze her so right scared she might slip away if I let go.
 
   “I can’t breathe," she coughs.
 
   I quickly let go. She looks at me and shakes her head. “I'm sorry too. I shouldn’t have snapped at you.”
 
   “It's okay.” I show her my hand. She takes it and smiles. “Let's go shopping.”
 
   As we walk through the market street she explains, “That is not the same book I showed Alfonso. I know they look the same but this one has a gold spiral.” I feel like an idiot for not noticing that. “This one is like an illustration diary. There are things in it that I’m not ready to talk about,” she whispers.
 
   I squeeze her hand. “I'm sorry T-rex.”

    She nods and kisses my cheeks. “I brought my other book, Mr. Artist. You better give me feedback when we go home.” I blush and nod.
 
   “You didn’t have to but thank you. I will.”