Hate You Too - Leonardo DiCaprio

-Hate you too

                                          Leo

"Avi?" I nudged her face with my red hands.

But she laid in my arms, motionless, not a single breath leaving those dry lips of hers.

"Avi!" I repeated, now in a much louder tone "Avi! Answer me!"

After minutes of yelling her name, I understood that she wouldn't answer. She couldn't. And so I went silent, tried to recollect my thoughts.

I refused to believe she was gone. Even if every inch of her portrayed the word dead. Her pale skin, cold body, and the fact that I couldn't feel her heart beating anymore.

My face rested on the crook of her neck, I brought her into a hug.

"Avi" I cried once again. "Please don't go."

I wanted to hear her voice. I needed to. I was in such panic before, I didn't cherish every little word that came out of her mouth. And I regretted it, I regretted not savoring my last moments with her.

"I'm so sorry"

If I listened, if I stayed with her and let her talk, none of this would've happened. If I knew what would happen, even If her explanation was a lie, I'd believe it.

"I'm sorry" I sobbed "I'm sorry"

I clung to her, kept Avi so close that her blood-stained my suit. I rocked back and forth, uncontrollable tears escaped me just as the blood from her wound did.

———

"Hey"

I didn't respond.

I felt Billy's hand on my shoulder "how are you feeling?"

"I don't want to be here" I muttered, completely ignoring his question. It was a stupid one, of course, I was miserable.

"We all miss her, she was family for half a year...it could help to talk to the others about it" he suggested.

"I don't want to talk about it" I kept my view straight ahead and not on him.

"How do you plan on healing then?"

"I won't heal" my finger traced the glass cup that held alcohol "I can't"

"Sure you will, somehow you will" Billy assured me, but it wasn't enough.

I studied the room "this feels like a celebration, a party. I hate it"

Billy sighed "no one's celebrating Leo, we're all mourning...just like you"

"I don't get what's the point of this. Not one person even mentioned her, they're all talking about their own lives"

"We're talking about her"

"No, we're talking about me, about how I feel. Everyone knows how I feel" I gulped down what remained of the drink.

"I was trying to be decent...a loved one's death isn't an easy thing," Billy said "you look like you haven't slept in days"

"Because I haven't" I admitted.

"Leo, I know you're grieving, but you have to get some sleep. It's not good for you to be like this"

"I can't...I can't sleep" I swallowed.

The nights were when I was completely alone, in the darkness, and an empty bed. During those times, I'd see her, her dead and a pale body. And so I kept the lights on and filled my lonely nights with thoughts. Sad thoughts, happy thoughts, all types.