Mon Amour (My Love)

CHAPTER 36

(just a short chapter)

ANGELO

"Give me another glass of that," I said to the bartender, eyeing the whiskey bottle he'd poured from earlier.

"Sure, Sir."

I watched as the golden-brown liquid filled my glass.

"You alone?" asked a voice from beside me. I hadn't even noticed anyone sitting there.

I took a slow sip, not bothering to look over. "No."

"Pwede bang makipagkilala?"

"No."

"Okay. Well, maybe I'll just sit here and drink with you."

I turned to look at him—damn, he was hot. Even in the dim light of the bar, his cinnamon-colored skin glowed. He had strong Hispanic features: deep brown eyes, thick eyebrows, perfectly trimmed sideburns, and a messy but sexy head of hair.

His body? Solid. But I wasn't interested.

"No," I repeated flatly.

He laughed, a bitter sound, and stared at me with contempt. "Who the hell do you think you are?"

He left before I could answer.

♫So, if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now

I looked at the elevated platform where the band was performing. Jane was there, and she's singing our friendship song. She was looking at me.

And hey, what you've got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I'm a lot like you

When you're standing at the crossroads
Don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
Cause even when you're wrong

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
I won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in into you darkest hour And I'll never desert you I'll stand by you♫

And that's when the tears came. I couldn't stop them. Everything felt too much already and that song alleviated the pain a bit. That's our song. That's the promise she made to me. I could be whoever I wanted to be because she would always be there and she would always stand by me - no matter what.

That, more than ever, was when I needed a friend in my life.

***

"Tell me the truth. Am I a bad person?"

Jane was done with her set of songs and she's drinking with me already. We transferred to a couch so we'd be comfortable. I've been frequenting her restobar lately, but that night was when I couldn't take it anymore.

"No. You're not bad, King." Jane replied as she poured another shot in my glass. "Nagmahal ka lang. That's all."

"Nagmahal lang ako." I repeated what she said. "Bakit ganun, Jane? I have to violate all the rules of man and God just because nagmahal lang ako. Imagine that. Nagmahal lang ako but I loved a man like me and not just that, I loved my own brother! What kind of a heart do I have?"

Jane did not respond and just looked at me with sad (or drunk) eyes.

"You know what it's like? I'm like an animal. Like a dog. A hungry dog. And there's a bowl of delicious treats in front of me. But the moment I try to reach for it, I can't. Because there's a chain around my neck. I'm leashed. And it will be just like that. I can see the treats. I can smell them. It makes me hungrier. It makes me crave for it more, but I can't reach it."

Jane laughed. "Ang gwapo mo namang aso, King."

"I'm serious Jane!" I shouted. Then I cried and leaned my forehead on the table. "God, this is frustrating. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so tired."

"I'm sorry, King. Pinapatawa lang kita. But I get you. I swear. Naiintindihan ko how frustrating that is. But you know what? Instead of the treats na nilagay sa harap mo, bakit hindi mo tignan yung chain na nasa leeg mo? Yung leash. Why do you think it's there? Siguro, there is a reason. Maybe kaya naroon sa leeg mo yung chain is because it spares you sa maaaring mangyari when you eat the treats. Baka yung treats, may poison pala. And you'll realize that in the end, yung chain pala sa leeg mo yung totoo mong kailangan, not the treats."

I looked at her. What was she trying to say?

"Just think about it, King. Akala natin right now, yung treats ang dapat mong makuha. Kasi you feel that you need it. You are thinking that the food will keep you alive, not realizing that it's actually the chain which will save you from dying."

That made sense.

"What should I do, Jane?" I asked. "Are you telling me now that I should forget my feelings for him? I hope you know that it's something that I can't do, even if you kill me now."

"But aren't you tired of it?"

"I'm tired. Pagod na pagod na 'ko, Jane."

"Then do something. I don't know, King. I'm sure you won't agree with me on this. Pero para sa akin, what you feel right now is being heightened by closeness."

"What do you mean?"

"When you first met him, hindi naman ganyan kaintense ang feelings mo para sa kanya di ba? Lumala lang nang lumala noong lagi mo na siyang nakakasama, and eventually, tumira pa kayo sa iisang bahay. Now, what I'm trying to point out is, pagpahingahin mo naman yung puso mo, King. You have to stay away kung gusto mong magkaroon ng pahinga. You know, it sucks na hindi ka masaya. But it sucks even more na hindi ka na nga masaya, nasasaktan ka pa."

"And how will I do that? He's my brother. How will I stay away?"

"Come on, King. Don't give me that bullshit." Jane said, without looking at me. "Don't be so narrow-minded. I know that you're getting my point. Accept it. Masakit mang isipin, you are in a lose-lose situation right now. There's no way you will win, kasi sabi mo nga, you will violate all the rules para masunod mo lang yung gusto mong mangyari. But then, OK lang sana kung yung taong gusto mo, sasamahan ka through it all. Pero di ba, hindi naman? At iyon nga di ba, sa harapan mo mismo, gumawa siya ng isang bagay na nagpapatunay na hindi ka niya sasamahang lumaban."

"Right."

"You're on your own. So ano, worth it ba yun? King, I know you're brave, and strong, and true, and all that. And I'm here to support you all the way. But I don't think it's still wise to fight kung wala naman nang ipaglalaban. Kung hindi mo pa siya lalayuan ngayon, baka hindi lang ganyan ang mangyari. Baka mas hindi mo pa kayanin ang mararanasan mo kung ipipilit mo pa. I know I've said this a thousand times already, but King, you deserve to be happy. Now, kung hindi ka rin lang magiging happy, at least hindi ka unhappy. Magkaiba yun eh. And personally, I believe, kung hindi man natin kayang kontrolin ang mga bagay na magpapasaya sa atin, at least, may kontrol tayo over things na hindi magpapasaya sa atin."

And all at once, I remembered what Papa Allie told me before.

Hold on, Angelo. Ako, si Papa Rodel mo, kaming dalawa. We've been through hell. We've been through hell TOGETHER. And that makes everything worth it. This is what I'll leave to you: You have the strength and the willingness to go through hell just for your love. That's given. But the question is, will you go through hell together with the one that you love, or you will go through hell alone? Whatever the answer is, it makes all the difference, Angelo. I'm telling you this, you have to make sure na ang taong pipiliin mong mahalin, ay yung taong sasamahan ka sa lahat. Sa lahat lahat. Hanggang sa huli. Dahil kung mag-isa ka lang na dadaan sa lahat, I'll tell you. It's not worth it.

My tears fell. It's like I've been slapped again. This time, it's more painful than Papa Rodel's slap. Maybe it's about time. I should stop this crazy feeling that I have for Kyle. After everything that happened, it's clearer than day that he won't be with me through it all. He won't go with me through hell.

I need to do something. I've been hurting so much. It's time to think about me and put myself first.

*****

Credits:
I'll Stand By You - The Pretenders (Last of the Independents), 1994

SHUJIN'S NOTE:

Big revelation in the coming chapters. What will it be?