Captured

Sentimental

After the bowling alley, we gather in the living room to have a movie night. We had also picked up some KFC on our way back.
The majority of our time was spent talking rather than watching the movie. We all haven't seen each other in a while so we had a lot to talk about but as we all giggled and frolicked I couldn't help but notice from the corner of my eyes that Tia wasn't as happy as everyone else.

I got up from the floor where I laid and sat beside her on the couch..

"You good T..You haven't said much" I whispered nudging her with my arm

"A gwaan listen to unno" She replied

"Sure? u don't seem uhself"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just get into these moods sometimes, I don't even know what's wrong i just feel sad"

"U wanna go for a walk and talk about it?"

"No."

"Yes you do. Come on" I convinced her, grabbing her lifeless-like arms and pulling her up off the couch

"We soon come back" I notify everyone

We then walked outside the beach house and into a gazebo

"Tell me more about these sudden whiffs of sadness"

"I don't know how to explain, sometimes im fine and the next moment i just feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, like im a failure and i can't do anything right, then all the wrong decisions ive ever made come flashing into my memory"

"I'm so sorry you feel that way T..have you told anyone about it? How about Tam?"

"No, the last thing I need is to burden anyone with what's going on with me"

"What do you mean Tia..You know when it comes on to this family you're never a burden, especially not to your twin... you're supposed to tell her these things"

"Someone in this family has to be the strong one Shanice, you left, someone had to take your place, I've to be the one to help everyone with whatever they're going through"

"Everyone in this family is the strong one, whenever we need to be, you don't ever need to feel like you've to be responsible for everyone else while you suffer "

"I just rather not be-

"So how do you cope with this sadness?...are you currently harming yourself or thinking of harming yourself?"

"I did once or twice but not anymore"

"I can't believe you've been going through all of this by yourself" My heartbreak for my sister, I know from experience just how difficult it is to deal with depression and I couldn't believe my baby sister was going through this..alone

"I'm fine, ill be fine"

"No, you aren't. You're depressed and that's not easy, no-one can deal with depression by themselves, no matter how strong you think you are, there's power in numbers, you can't bare this alone, you shouldn't have to, not when you have a set of people who love and care for you deeply, people who would undoubtedly move the earth dor you if they could.

I know sometimes the worst place to be is in your own head buy you've got to keep your head up, find the positive in every situation and never be afraid to confide in the people you love and trust, we got you, through whatever, until our last breath"

"Shanice Im fine, we-"

"People who are fine, don't self-harm"

"You're overreacting"

"I know you aren't going to like what i've to say next but it's a step you need to take, for yourself and the family, a step that will aid in you overcoming or atleast learning how to deal with this better"

"What is it?"

You should tell everyone.

"No!!!..'

"Im not going to pressure you, it's your truth and your life but just Think about it, having people who love and support you in your corner will help you overcome anything, you dont need to go through this alone.

"Mommy and daddy is just gonna tell me to take it to the lord in prayer..I've already done that..nothing works"

"There's no blue print to this Tia but I promise you it'll be easier to tackle if you do it with people you love in your corner"

"SHANICE NO!!!"

"Okay, fine. If you don't want to, you don't have to but its something worth thinking about"

"Im not telling them.."

"Well you need to tell someone, so its either you tell them or you start going to therapy..you can't do this alone."

'I'm not doing it alone....I have you"

"of course you've me, but you're still going to therapy.

I pull her into an embrace and we hug for a minute.

The Next Day

How is the business Shanice?" Auntie Sally asks

"It's going good actually. We've accomplished some things I never saw possible in the first six months but I'm grateful.

Yes man, surely goodness and mercy shall follow you all the days of your life, leave it up to God, he'll put you in positions you aren't even qualified for"

"Amen to that. How are you thou Auntie? How's Ratty?

Me gud eno, me have life and dat is the greatest. Ratty him gud to, him in mobay now working on the site of some big new hotel, uh know him affi do wah him need to so him can provide fi him family"

Yeah, I understand. Where are his kids now that you're here?"

"I left them with their mothers' side of family but only for the week, that's why me cannot stay here, too long.

That's alright man, you have to do what you've to do, me know since dem madda pass you've taken up that role so me get it"

Yes, that's why me makesure stay a the school to so me can help out Ratty every now and then, him want me siddung one place and don't work, me cyaa dweet"

I scoff a little

Is what?"

"It run in the family, you and mommy cannot stay put, always have to be moving.

We don't know any other way, cyaa siddung and depend pan man fi provide we every need. We neva raise so"

My aunt Sally is my mom's older sister, 2 out of 6 kids for my grandmother who was a single mother for basically her entire life, my grand-dad was shot and killed in a robbery when my mom's youngest sibling was about seven years old, my grandmother had to work two jobs as helper and janitor to take care of my mom and her siblings until they were old enough to help. My grandmother never remarried after my granddad passed, she dedicated her entire life to raising her kids.

In some crazy twist of faith, the same thing happened to my aunt, she only had two kids with her husband before he died, and she worked tirelessly to provide for them their entire lives now Her daughter Poochie is a travel Nurse and her son Ratty is a Project Manager, his wife, was incarcerated in an American jail for a couple of years, she was arrested on a drug charge after she left Jamaica to work in the US with a family friend.

The last we heard she was dead.

"Trust me, I get it. But thank you for coming, I really enjoyed this. Love you Auntie.

Love uh more Shan Shan, you know yaa me favorite already, shhh"

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