Dear Eddie (rewrite)

19

Trigger Warning: Mentions and descriptions of body dysmorphia.

I dried my hair off, looking in the mirror, feeling so much better for many reasons. Eddie was in Robin's room, changing his clothes as I stood looking in the mirror. I frowned at myself, my eyes catching every imperfection, making me not look like myself.

I quickly covered myself in a towel as a sudden anxiety washed over me. I didn't want Eddie to look at me. I don't even want to look at myself. Yeah, he may have just seen me but I don't know how to explain the sudden fear washing over me.

I sit on the floor with my back against the wall, bringing my knees up and wrapping my arms around them. I cry. Tears start streaming down my face. I can't breathe. No matter how many deep breaths I take, there isn't enough air getting to my lungs. I lean my head back against the wall and let the sadness consume me.

"Knock knock," Eddie said, pushing open the door. "Oh shit, Y/n," he rushed over to me, sitting down as close as he can't. He wraps his arms around me as iI put my forehead to my knees. He rests his head on the back of mine.

"What happened?" He asked softly while I continue to sob. I shrug my shoulders.

"Was it me? Did I do something? I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable I just," I look up at him quickly and worriedly, stopping his rambling. I put my hands to either side of his face.

"No," I cry. "No, no, no," I repeat, letting more tears fall down my face. "None of this is you. You didn't do anything wrong," I kiss him, feeling my tears on my lips.

"Then what?" he whispers. I can see tears start to form in his eyes.

"It's just. I don't know. Sometimes when I look at myself, I don't see myself. Like, I know it is me and I don't really look like that. But when you're looking in a mirror and what you see doesn't match you it's hard. I don't know. Sorry," I put my head back down on my knees.

"Hey, don't be sorry. Look at me," he tilted my head.

"I will love you no matter what you look like. If you lose an arm, oh well. If you go blind, I'll still be here. If you go deaf, fuck it. I'll learn sign language. I'd go to the ends of the earth if it means I get to love you," he smiled.

"Eddie," I say. "What if I'm pregnant?" My whole body tenses.

"Well, we can wait for you to get your period. If you do, we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. And if you don't, then we never have to talk about it again," he said, holding me tighter.

I take a deep breath, slowing my heart down. "Well, I'm open to talking about what we should do in the meantime. But after I finish getting ready," I give him a tight smile.

"Take your time," he said, kissing my nose.

I smile warmly at him, watching his eyes move around my face.

"Okay, go," I laugh.

"Fine," he groaned, giving me a goofy smile and leaving the bathroom, keeping the door cracked.

I hate that I feel this way about myself when he sees so much more in me. I wish, for a day, I could see myself through his eyes.

I snapped out of my thoughts and leave the bathroom to get clean clothes.

I walk into Robin's room where Eddie is sitting on the floor, going through his bag. I pulled out some baggy jeans, a t-shirt, and a sweater, quickly changing into them while Eddie is distracted.

After I was dressed, I slid on some black ankle socks and stood in front of Eddie.

"Yes?" he looked up at me with a confused look.

"Did you take the laundry out yet?" I asked, sitting in front of him.

"Yeah, how do you think it got in our bags?" he laughed.

"Right," I rubbed my eyes. "Sorry, I'm just drained. My head is all foggy."

"From what?" He smirked.

"From what?" I mocked, throwing my towel at him. "You know exactly what from," I smile.

"I say it was worth it," he shrugged.

"I'd say so too," I let out my hand for him to shake.

"Are you trying to shake my hand," Eddie raises an eyebrow at me.

"No," I start to pull my hand away but he grabs it, pulling me on top of him.

"What should we do while we wait for Robin to get back?" He asked, tucking my hair behind my ear.

"I would say we should get high but I don't think Robin would like us hotboxing her room and I'm all out of brownies," I say

"I have gummies," he smiled up at me.

"I mean, if you want to," I smiled, trying to seem nonchalant.

"Hell yes, I do," He laughed, wrapping an arm around me and rolling so he was now on top of me.

He reached over to his bag, pulling a baggie out of the side pocket. He took out four gummies, putting two in his mouth. "Open."

I opened my mouth and he put the other two gummies in my mouth. The taste wasn't amazing but I chewed and swallowed them anyway.

"Hey, can I have my ring back," I ask Eddie, assuming he took mine out of the bathroom when he took his.

"I don't have your ring," he looked at me confused, causing my heart to fall to the floor. Just as I started to get up, he pulled me back down with a cheesy smile on his face, reaching into his back pocket.

"You mother fucker," I laugh, slapping his chest playfully.

I sat in Eddie's lap, laying against his chest as I admire the ring on my hand.

Eddie moved his hands to hold mine, bringing them to my lap. He fiddled with my ring, spinning it around and switching which finger it was on.

We sat like this for a while, enjoying each other's silent company. Eddie leaned his head against mine, kissing my temple a few times.

"I love you," he whispered in my ear.

"I love you," I say back, turning my head to kiss him.

"Do you want to talk about it now? We can always wait," he suggested.

"No, we can talk about it now. Might as well get it out of the way," I shrug.

He looked down at me, planting a kiss on my forehead. "Let's hear what you want to do about it."

"Well, I want to know what you want too," I say.

He shook his head. "What I say doesn't matter. In the end, it's your decision."

"Yeah, in the end. I want to know now, what do you want?"

Eddie sighs. "Well, I'd like to keep it, if it's there. But if you don't want it that's totally fine with me. Whatever makes you happy," he smiled at me.

"You want to keep it?" I ask, feeling relaxed in his arms.

"I want whatever you want, sweetheart. But, yeah, I think it'd be cool to have a little you or little me running around," he laughed. "What do you want?"

"I think I'd like to keep it," I nodded my head. "But I don't think right now is the best timing considering you're wanted and we are hiding out."

"Yeah that's true," his blank face turns into a smile. "Robin would love to know where it was made," he laughs.

"Oh yeah, she'd be thrilled," I scoff jokingly.

"So, we're gonna wait and see where it goes?" he asks.

"Yeah, let's see where this goes," I nod my head, leaning up to give Eddie another kiss.