Against My Will (Naga Series #1)

Kabanata 38

They say happiness is the reason why we heal and continue living but I don't think that is the reason because sometimes pain keeps us moving forward until we heal. 

Some of us won't like to heal because pain is a reminder of what we lost. Out of a million people who believe those, I am one with them. 

Before, I believed that I should not be healed and I couldn't help myself to be healed. I believe that I am truly broken and it's too late for me to have hope for myself. 

Self-love was not in my vocabulary before. Inuuna ko ang iba keysa sa sarili. Giving someone chances instead of myself. 

I was too harsh and hard to myself. Pati paniniwala at damdamin para sa sarili ay winaksi ko para sa iba. That's how I forgot to live for myself. 

I've been counting the days, weeks, months, and years,  experiencing severe depression, failed suicides, trauma, anxiety, and nightmares that cause betrayals, Anger, witnesses murderers, misunderstandings, and pain that changed the way I'm living. The way I want to live.

Hindi ko parin nalilimutan yung mga panahon na iyun. Memories that I experience more than death. The pain and the lost of love ones.

Hindi ko man kayang ibalik ang mga taong mahal ko sa buhay kailangan ko paring magpapatuloy sa buhay ko. The fact that people come and go to our life hurts the most but it doesn't mean we  give up.

That's when I realized that self-love is important. 

Kahit sinong tao ang nandyan para sa atin at natatakot tayong mawala sila sa buhay natin ay gustuhin na nating mawala na rin. There's a reason why people come and go. They are a lesson for our life. How our soul and mind take care of each other. How we take care of ourselve despite the circumstances we encounterd.

I never knew myself in the process before. I never learned and found an answer until things happened to me badly. I didn't face it because I wanted to be defeated. I made myself hate me. I always put someone first than myself.  

I was thinking of their safety and protection while I was risking my own life and even taking my own life for them.

It was a miracle that I lived for the second chance—no, this is not the second chance. I was lucky that I'm still alive until now sa kabilang gusto ko nang sumuko at mamatay.

The moment that the execution happened, dinala nila ako sa isang malaking hospital. I remember Gazvin said I was in a critical condition. I was near death but they revived me until my heart beat again.

Naging baliw ako noon after I wake in comatose. The doctor said I was experiencing major depression which led me to depressive psychosis.

I remember.

"Alam mo kainis talaga si gretchen, kinuha niya jowa ko. Alam mo ba yun?" Wala sa sariling sabi ko habang tinitignan si Learsi sa harap ko. Nagsimulang tumulo ang luha ko. "Pero bakit ayaw niyong makinig sa akin. Hindi ko nga kasi hinalikan!"