Against My Will (Naga Series #1)

Kabanata 39

They say happiness is the reason why we heal and continue living, but I don't think that's always the reason, because sometimes pain keeps us moving forward until we heal.

Some of us don't want to heal because pain is a reminder of what we lost. Out of a million people who believe that, I am one of them.

Before, I believed that I shouldn't heal, and I couldn't bring myself to do so. I believed that I was truly broken and that it was too late for me to have hope for myself.

Self-love was not in my vocabulary before. Inuuna ko ang iba kaysa sa sarili ko. I kept giving chances to other people instead of giving them to myself.

I was too harsh on myself. Pati paniniwala at damdamin ko para sa sarili ay winaksi ko para sa iba. That's how I forgot how to live for myself.

I've spent days, weeks, months, and years experiencing severe depression, failed suicide attempts, trauma, anxiety, and nightmares caused by betrayal, anger, witnessing murders, misunderstandings, and pain that changed the way I live—the way I wanted to live.

Hindi ko pa rin nalilimutan ang mga panahong iyon. Memories that felt worse than death itself. The pain and the loss of loved ones.

Hindi ko man kayang ibalik ang mga taong mahal ko sa buhay, kailangan ko pa ring magpatuloy sa buhay ko. The fact that people come and go in our lives hurts the most, but it doesn't mean we should give up.

That's when I realized that self-love is important.

Kahit sinong tao ang nandiyan para sa atin at natatakot tayong mawala sila sa buhay natin, minsan gusto na rin nating mawala kapag nawala sila. There's a reason why people come and go. They are lessons in our lives. They teach us how our soul and mind take care of each other, and how we should take care of ourselves despite the circumstances we encounter.

I never truly knew myself in the process before. I never learned or found the answers until bad things happened to me. I didn't face them because I wanted to be defeated. I made myself hate me. I always put others before myself.

I was thinking about their safety and protection while risking my own life—even taking my own life for them.

It was a miracle that I survived. No, this wasn't a second chance. I was simply lucky that I'm still alive until now, despite the part of me that wanted to give up and die.

The moment the execution happened, dinala nila ako sa isang malaking hospital. I remember Adam saying I was in critical condition. I was near death, but they revived me until my heart started beating again.

Naging baliw ako noon pagkatapos kong magising mula sa coma. The doctor said I was experiencing major depression, which led to depressive psychosis.

I remember......

"Alam mo, kainis talaga si Gretchen. Kinuha niya ang jowa ko. Alam mo ba 'yon?" wala sa sarili kong sabi habang tinitingnan si Learsi sa harap ko. Nagsimulang tumulo ang luha ko. "Pero bakit ayaw ninyong makinig sa akin? Hindi ko nga kasi hinalikan!"