Secret Desires

2: You Are An Obstacle

January 13th

Two weeks ago

       I stayed in my seat as the last bell rang. I took my sweet time packing my things into my bag as everyone rushed to leave. This was routine for me. I waited in my last-period class until the halls were less crowded. Around the time of my trial, Mr. Hodge kept questioning my staying after class. I kept making excuses that I knew he could see through. I didn't want to tell him that now that David wasn't at the school as a resource officer anymore, I was once again vulnerable. It was like being thrown out into open water when I can't swim. The worst part about it was that they knew I couldn't swim.

       David knew about what was going on and was trying his hardest to come back. The process was taking longer this time because the school deemed his presence unnecessary. I don't think they cared the least bit. I've been shoved, tripped, threatened, cornered, and so much more since my trial. I won, but what was my prize? Nolan's sentence was a joke. The jury found him guilty, but it hadn't changed the minds of anyone here it seemed. Nothing has changed. I still hate coming to school. I still get treated like dirt. I still have moments where I question everything and if it was worth dealing with. Everything was the same if not worse.

       I just thought that maybe things would change after Nolan was sentenced. People would talk to me again. The people that use to talk to Jill would include her in their circles again. Dean's friends would hang out with him as much as they use to. My teachers wouldn't single me out or treat me differently from everyone else. When I walked through the halls, I had hoped that the dirty looks and horrible whispers about me would stop. None of those things happened.

       "Water?" Mr. Hodge asked. He held up a water bottle as he stood from his desk. The worn leather office chair creaked and groaned. With his free hand, he rubbed at his lower back. Mr. Hodge was an older man. His white hair and beard sometimes reminded me of Santa Claus. If his belly was a little bigger he'd be perfect for the role.

       "No thank you," I told him. He nodded, rubbing at his lower back again. I watched as he put the water back in his desk drawer. He hobbled to the window and looked out to the parking lot. He shook his head as a kid ran passed the window and slid on the ice. When the boy regained his balance Mr. Hodge chuckled. I coughed to hide my laugh.

       I appreciated that he let me stay here. It hadn't taken him long to understand why I stayed. There had been one day when Mr. Hodge had to leave right after class. I left the classroom when he did. The second I stepped out into the hall I was in a pool of sharks with a bleeding wound. A girl I never spoke to threw a paper ball at me. When she laughed with her friends about how I didn't flinch, I didn't understand. I just held the paper ball confused.

       "Not self-inflicted my ass." She said the words with as much bite as she could. It was then that I understood. The paper ball being thrown at me... My trial. Nolan's lawyer... I hadn't been sure how many people watched my trial or were aware of what happened that day. But I hadn't expected anyone to do what that girl had done.

       I let the paper ball fall to the floor and just stood there. I didn't know I was crying until Mr. Hodge cleared his throat behind me. When I looked over my shoulder at him, he was holding the door to his classroom open. I didn't realize at first he was gesturing for me to go in. He told me that he forgot his plans were for later and that he needed to do some work before he left for the day.

       I knew it for what it was, but I said nothing. I just walked back into the classroom and took my seat at my table again. Mr. Hodge set his bag down at his table and started to make a call. He kept his voice low so I didn't hear his conversation. I knew what he was doing and I should have thanked him. I think he knew though, that I had been grateful. I'm sure he knew now. Because now this was something that we did. The last bell rings, everyone leaves class, he and I sit for about fifteen minutes, we walk out into the hall together, and then we part ways.