Secret Desires

✧ 6: Lifeline

✧ July 16

       I was stumbling to my bedroom door, tripping over a pair of shoes. I fell on my knees, gripping my side as a wave of pain went through me. I yelled out still gasping for air. My dress was too tight around my torso and the fabric felt heavy now. I yanked at the zipper as a sob broke from me. My hand shook uncontrollably as I struggled to get the zipper down. I was practically clawing at the back of my dress.

       My door flung open, my mom saying something I couldn't hear. She was kneeling beside me, her hands hovering.

       "G-get it off," I groaned. "Get it off, get it off!" She didn't waste a second as she tugged the zipper down, a thread snagging. She ripped the dress away from me, seams tearing in the process. I saw the lace nearly torn off completely. In seconds I was in only my bra and underwear, the floor icy beneath me.

       My mom pulled me to her, my back against her chest, I fought against the close contact. She was saying something but it went unheard. I could only feel the constriction of her arms around me. Even with the dress off, I was still fighting to breathe. When her hold tightened on me I wanted to lash out regardless of her being my mother.

       "Listen," she snapped at me. I was begging her to stop and to let me go.

       "P-please," I sobbed.

       "Just listen." Her voice was hard, but I could hear her worry. I knew that tone well. "Look around your room. Look at your walls. See the color?" I had no idea what she was talking about. Her finger pointed to the wall across from us. I stared at it, confused and near faint.

       "You said the color swatch was orange, do you remember that?" I did. Before we painted these walls, everyone had a different opinion on what the color was.

       "You s-said," I forced out. "It was-s... p-papaya." My words were a rasp as I tried speaking through sobs and gasps.

       "That's right. Papaya. What else is that color?" I shook my head, not wanting to do this. "Come on, baby. What else? First thing that comes to mind."

       "S-salmon," I blurted. Salmon was that color.

       "Good. Tell me one more." I sniffled, feeling my nose run. I stared at the wall as I tried to think of another.

       "P-peaches." The color was similar if not the same. It was also similar to- "Apricots."

       "Apricots is a good one," she said against my hair. "Now try and listen to what's around us. Listen to what's outside. What do you hear?" I tilted my head toward the window. Tears fell down my face to her arms. She only kissed the top of my head. I strained to hear anything, any sound from the outside world. The first thing I heard was a constant chirping.

       "Crickets." She nodded, waiting for me to continue. "A car." It sounded like someone was pulling into their driveway, the car shutting off. I heard the scraping of branches against the house followed by the sighing of a breeze. It turned into a low howl, the rustling of nearby trees echoing around us. "The wind," I breathed against her.

       I felt my body start to relax against her. My gasps had turned into broken sobs that had me shuddering.

       "Good. That's so good. Now look at your feet. Look at your toes." I did as she said, swallowing back the cry in my throat. I'd kicked off my shoes somewhere that I couldn't see. "Just your toes," she said gently. I looked back to my feet, focusing on where she said.

       "My toes?" I asked hoarsely. My throat was so dry.

       "Wiggle them." I didn't question her. I did as she asked, wiggling and flexing. "Wiggle your fingers." It took a lot to remove my hands from her arms. My fingers were stiff as I held them in front of me. They shook as I tried wiggling them. I turned my hands over, staring at them with determination.