Secret Desires

13: What Are You Doing Here?

        "Hmm." He looked contemplative as he stared out the window. Our empty plates were pushed to the side as we waited for the waiter. My leg was bouncing under the table as I waited for him to speak. I'd given him an entire speech about how I felt gross about kissing him and Jake within hours of each other. I told him I already knew what a horrible human being I was and that I felt incredibly guilty for my actions. He hadn't interrupted. David let me go on and on about how I needed time to figure out what I wanted. Because right now I had no idea what that was.

        I felt blinded by my wants and my needs. Blinded by the intimacy I had with both males. I felt strongly about both and I didn't know how to deal with all of it. I'm expected to just kick one of them to the curb and call it a day? It felt wrong and cruel. But wasn't it cruel to string them along? Picking one felt like saying the other wasn't worth it. Not picking one felt like saying the other wasn't enough.

        Jake wanted more. David wanted more. I wanted more of both. But I can not have both. My heart was being pulled in both directions. It felt like my heart wasn't my own. It was a reckless thing I kept caged in my chest. A beautiful reckless thing that made impulsive decisions.

        "Well?" I pushed. He looked back to me and smirked. He seemed to be amused. He'd looked that way the entire time I spoke. He just sat across from me and listened. The restaurant he picked was a hole in the wall. It was just the place for this sort of conversation. The tables were spaced out a good distance from each other so there were no prying ears. There was one person who came around to take orders and one person to seat you. It was a small establishment, but it was nice.

        There was one big single window that we were seated by. I hadn't really wanted to sit here, but I didn't protest. I wish I had spoken up though. Every time I took a bite of my food, someone conveniently walked by. I was eating a salad and each time I had to shove a big piece of lettuce into my mouth I tried to do it quickly before someone noticed. How did eating a simple caesar salad become a challenge?

        David had eaten pasta in front of me without showing signs of discomfort or worry about someone watching him eat. I was nervous that the table closest to us was judging how I chewed my food. He'd noticed and scooted his chair around the small circle table to block me from their view. I smiled in thanks. If they were looking before, I had no idea. At least now I knew they couldn't see me.

        "I don't think you're a horrible person," he finally said. I shook my head at him in disagreement.

        "I am though." David reached across the table to grab my hand. He squeezed it gently, rubbing his thumb along my knuckles.

        "You still have feelings for him. I know what it is to not be over someone. Take your time. I don't fault you for how you feel. Okay?" I bit my lip as I tried to feel better about the situation. David waited for me to say something, but I was going over his words. Sometimes I felt like I didn't deserve his affection.

        "Okay." He nodded with a smile. As he pulled his hand back he did a double-take at something outside. His smile fell as he suddenly became cold.

        "Speak of the devil," he groaned. I snapped my attention to where his line of sight was and sunk into my seat. Speak of the devil indeed...

        "No fucking way." I stared wide-eyed at David as he eyed Jake with bitter amusement. I wanted to leave. I had no idea why Jake was in Velthorne or where he was going, but I prayed to a god I didn't believe in anymore for some inkling of a miracle.

        "Does he know?" David asked. He was clearly annoyed.

        "Know what?"

        "About us meeting here." I shook my head in answer. David laughed to himself as he folded his arms across his chest. The smile he had on his face was humorless. "Hmm. Well, he's coming inside with someone."