Secret Desires

30: Welcome Home

Jake

June 13th

       I set the frame back atop the mantle. The photo left a bitter taste in my mouth. That day hadn't even been a good day. It was my father's poor attempt at trying to bond with his sons. We'd gone camping up in the mountains for three days, just the three of us. I was fifteen and Nolan was only twelve. We barely spoke to each other the entire time. I don't remember much about that trip. I don't even know where we went, only that we were out of state somewhere.

       I can recall my father yelling at us when we didn't do something right. I couldn't put up my tent properly. Nolan couldn't start a fire. I burned one of our meals. Nolan broke our lantern. Something was always our fault. And the photo we took was of us all smiling by a frozen lake with our arms around one another. Our father was between the two of us, smiling as if he were proud of us. He wasn't.

       All the different framed photos sitting atop the mantle were of all of us. Each one was a facade. My mom was included in some of them. It was no secret that my father still loved my mother. From the way she speaks about him now, I think she finds it hard to deny her feelings for him. He made a mistake and has paid for it. She's forgiven him, that much is clear.

       I stepped back, taking in every picture. We're all smiling and holding each other like a perfect family. That was the goal. To look and act like nothing was wrong. Like my father did nothing wrong.

       My mother left with me when I was young. I don't know how old I was, but I was old enough to remember it happening. She was screaming at my father in the middle of the night. I had my ear to their door, trying to hear what they were arguing about. When the door swung open they saw me there. I was too shocked to move. My mother picked me up and stormed out the front door with me.

       We didn't take anything with us. We left with the clothes on our backs. I was barefoot and in my pajamas. She was in a nightgown and slippers. We stopped at my grandmother's. She took us in. We stayed there for a long time. After a year or so, my grandmother fell ill and passed in her sleep. The house became my mother's after that. My grandmother left behind money for both of us as well. Money that my grandmother had saved her entire life and never spent. It only grew as it sat in the bank.

       My mother received an absurd amount. In my grandmother's will, she left behind money for me in a trust fund. To ensure I wouldn't spend it recklessly, I wasn't allowed access to any funds until I was twenty-one. Which was last year. The first thing I bought was a drink at the bar. Then I bought seven more until I was close to blacking out. Then I called Vanessa and told her I missed her and wanted to get back with her.

       To think, she was with David at that time. And to learn that I was basically the reason that relationship ended. I didn't feel good about it. Especially because I didn't mean to make that call, but I was falling into that dark place again. My father's cancer was getting worse and we weren't sure he was going to make it. But he did. Some cells were left behind and there was always the chance of the cancer returning, but he was better.

       After my mother yelled at me for being irresponsible with my money, I used it to buy a house in a nice neighborhood. Then I bought a new car and tried to be an adult. Adulting has proven to be more difficult than I thought. Sometimes I missed being a kid with no responsibilities. The only worries I had were homework and missing the bus for school. I worried if my school crush thought I was ugly or if the school lunch was going to suck.

       Being an adult sucks. I wasn't good at it. I sucked. And now I was going to be a father. I was going to have a baby. My son would have a father who didn't know how to be an adult. I was irresponsible and reckless. I was going to be a horrible father.