Secret Desires

12: Too Much?

        At a certain point, I stopped listening. We were sitting on the sofa as Jake explained why he was quitting. I hadn't been the only reason why. Vanessa had been the one to give him the idea. He'd vented to her about how he felt like Principal Morris didn't take him seriously because of his age. She suggested that he go after his dream to be a photographer again. He had the money to buy a better camera than before and he still had his portfolio.

        It was when he mentioned how when June came that maybe we could ease into things and everything should be okay. We could take things slowly. And we could.

        We absolutely could, couldn't we? That had been the thought I had before David's words from earlier rang loud enough to drown out Jake completely. David was a conflict of interest, but so was Jake. And David wanted to wait for Nolan to be released. Ten months was how long we would have to wait. I would have to wait that same amount of time with Jake. The terms still applied to him. Even with him quitting, it wouldn't matter.

        But it wasn't only that... I couldn't deny my feelings for David. There's something there, I know there is. I loved spending time with him and talking to him and there was still that need to have him in my life. He was a part of me in a way I never thought he would be. I didn't see that changing any time soon. He told me to think it over and I was. I wanted more of everything with him. But Jake-

        "Did you hear me?" I blinked rapidly from being pulled from my train of thought. I hadn't heard him.

        "I have to tell you something, but... Please don't be upset." He nodded, a bit confused now. I took a deep breath as I forced myself to be honest with him. Brutally honest. Would he hate me? No, not after everything he said. Would I hate him if the roles were reversed? I wasn't sure. No, I think I would just be annoyed. No I wouldn't, I was lying to myself. Look how I acted when I thought Dean kissed Jill. That hadn't even been on purpose and I threw away two entire relationships. One of which I had since I was five. And when he told me about Vanessa, I made him feel like he was in the wrong. I reacted badly both times. Jake was going to hate me...

        "What is it?" I swallowed as I opened my mouth. At first, nothing came out. It took me a moment to speak.

        "I kissed David." He nodded as he let out what might have been an exasperated sigh.

        "Yeah, I know," he said dryly. I felt my eyebrows knit together as I looked at him in question. Did he know? No, he knew of the kiss that happened two weeks ago. That's what he was referring to.

        "No... I mean I kissed him today. When you left... " Jake straightened. Don't hate me, please don't hate me. I could see the confusion all over his face. He didn't look angry or hurt, just confused. Was it a bad idea to let him process what I said without explaining? I didn't really want to explain. It felt like slamming the door in his face. It felt like not answering his nightly phone calls or listening to every single one of his voicemails. It felt like telling him I didn't want to be with him anymore.

        "What- "

        "I like him." He looked away from me, but I kept talking. Honesty. That was what I could give him right now. It would probably hurt to hear, but I needed to be honest with him. "I like David and I kissed him. And after you left, he told me he wanted something more with me. And- "

        "Blair- "

        "Let me finish." I reached for his hand and he let me take it. He looked at me with that same confused look. He looked a little appalled. "He told me he had feelings for me too. But he said that he wanted to wait until Nolan has served his sentence before the possibility of being together is an option. Because right now it isn't. Because right now, both of you are a conflict of interest. That means that even if you quit, being with you could still jeopardize things." He had let me finish before scooting closer to me, cupping my face in his free hand.