Secret Desires

38: Better

           I knew I was being ridiculous. People flew all the time, I had nothing to worry about. There was no reason I should be freaking out as much as I was. I was safe and everything would be okay. The plane wasn't going to crash and we weren't all going to perish.

       Okay, maybe don't be thinking about the plane crashing as we make our way toward the runway.

       My hands gripped the armrest on either side of me, the roaring of the engines growing louder as we picked up speed. I thought we were about to ascend, but then we slowed and started turning. We were still making our way to where we needed to be. I took in a breath, trying to get it together. There was no reason to freak out. No reason. Absolutely no-

       "When we land," Jake started. I looked at him sidelong, unable to turn my head in his direction. Every bone and muscle in my body was locked up. "Everyone has to get in their assigned groups and stick with their chaperone."

       I envied how relaxed he seemed to be. His entire frame was at ease while mine was tense and rigid all over. Jake gave me an encouraging smile, one that sent my heart fluttering. He was trying to help. I already knew that from the previous idle conversation he tried to have with me that I practically ignored.

       And it wasn't that I was ignoring him, I just couldn't answer him when I kept imagining our plane crashing and all of us dying horrible deaths.

       "What group is she in?" David asked for me. Jake kept his eyes on me as he answered David. I kept my eyes on him too.

       "Group A. My group."

       "That your doing?" David asked, no bitterness in his tone. A genuine question. One that I was glad he asked because I couldn't. This time Jake looked at him, leaning forward a bit to see him fully.

       "It is," he said simply. "Morris had groups picked out from the start. A random order, but he put Blair with me because of our history." I didn't miss the way his eyes shifted to the seats around us at history. One glance toward David told me he didn't miss it either.

       "Who?" I managed through clenched teeth. I tried to ask who was in his group but could only manage to get out one word. He seemed to have understood though. I watched stiffly as he pulled a small folded paper from his pocket.

       "I don't have many, but the handful that I do have... " He trailed off as he unfolded the paper, showing me the list of names. There were ten that were nearly all scratched off. Three were added on. Those names were in his handwriting while one name wasn't. That name was scribbled over more than a few times. The harsh lines seemed to have been embedded into the paper.

       "Why was he even an option?" David asked incredulously, narrowing his eyes at that one name. He kept his voice low enough that it didn't travel. Jake tsked in my direction, giving me a look that was supposed to be answer enough. I narrowed my eyes at him, silently warning him not to start. He ignored that look and turned his attention to David, leaning toward him again.

       "Morris told me I could move around the names on my list, switch some out for others. There weren't many I could add so he added on another name to even things out. I told him absolutely not. I thought he was crazy for even suggesting him." Because that him was Christopher. I tsked in response, knowing he was about to start. I could start hyperventilating right now and he'd still want to scold me over something as stupid as this.

       I inhaled a sharp breath as the engines roared again, my body being thrown back into my seat. Even Jake was taken by surprise as he was forced to sit back. I closed my eyes, the ringing in my ears drowning out whatever Jake tried saying to me. The metal under the armrest was biting into my fingers, but I couldn't loosen my grip.