Secret Desires

39: Stay Afloat In Chicago

        The rest of the plane ride consisted of occasional whispered conversations between Jake and me, David nodding off, me playing games on my phone, and Jake reading a thick novel. I tried to keep myself busy and distracted. My nerves almost got the best of me when we started to descend and had some turbulence. David was there holding my hand through it, again not saying anything.

        When we finally landed, I'd taken David's hand in my own and immediately felt bad for the death grip I had on him. The landing had been more horrible than taking off had been. The entire plane seemed to shake as we hit the ground and slowed. I'd had to brace myself by planting my feet and placing a hand on the seat in front of me so I wouldn't fly forward. I had no idea how David and Jake stayed in their seats.

        And when the plane had come to a full stop, when we were finally able to get our things and get off, I realized that being in the air hadn't been the worst part of this flight. Taking off and landing did not compare to the feeling of having everyone stare and whisper when David had to block off the aisle so I could get out. It didn't compare to the feeling of watching him grab my bag for me and having people snicker under their breath.

        I'd nearly ripped my bag from his hand to spare myself from anyone saying anything about him carrying my bag for me. He only sighed behind me when I rushed down the aisle to get off the plane.

        After exiting from another tunnel, I stepped aside to wait for David and Jake. I nearly shrunk into myself as I took in my surroundings. This airport was much bigger than the one back home. There were more people, more unfamiliar noises, more gates, and more shops. I was taking deep breaths to keep myself from becoming overwhelmed.

        David put a hand on my back to guide me toward my friends that I hadn't seen. He leaned down to say something to me but I hadn't heard him over everyone else. Jill waved at me, smiling widely as we approached. She'd said something to me as well, but I hadn't heard that either. Then I realized the noise wasn't just around me, it was in my head.

        It was like static. Like a humming or a buzzing that practically drowned everything and everyone out. It was a silence that was nearly deafening. I was staring at Dean who was saying something to Jill, a lazy smile on his face. I was looking at that smile and then I was being thrown in every direction my mind could throw me. Every sound pulled me and pushed with a force so great I felt off balance just standing here.

        My body felt like it was locked up again as I was getting mental whiplash from every damning thought I was having right now. And there were so many that I couldn't focus on a single one. The one thing I could think and feel more clearly than anything else was the strong sensation of dread. It coursed through me, making my heart race but it wasn't a pounding against my chest. It was a contained chaos inside of me. I was a storm brewing into a rage. Under my skin, the drawback of water was the only sign of the tsunami threatening to drown me-

        Stop.

        I am here. I am okay. I am safe. I am... I am... I...

        A hand rubbing my back was like a lifeline being thrown at me. I leaned into it, holding on like it was a buoy as I tried to stay afloat in the black murky water that was my dread. And then I was being pulled away. I blinked, inhaling a shuttering breath.

        "Hotel," was all I heard. Maybe more was said, but I was still trapped inside of myself trying to break free, trying to climb to the surface and stay afloat.

        "What?" I managed to ask. I blinked, looking around to see where we were going. David was guiding me to-

        "I said," Jill laughed. She was on my other side, her shoulder brushing mine as she walked beside me. "I wonder what our hotel room will look like." Hotel room. How did that subject come up? Had they been talking about the hotel? I forced a laugh, shaking my head as I did so.