Secret Desires

✧ 5: Overwhelming Enough

✧ July 15

       There was a moment, a moment so brief that it was gone in a blink, that I pictured a life so different from the one I was living. It was a small glimpse into a life that I never allowed myself to envision.

       I was lying with David in his bed, my head on his chest as he told me stories from his childhood. One arm was wrapped around me, his fingers drawing shapes onto the bare skin of my shoulder. His other hand was holding my own, our fingers intertwined on his chest. Our clothes were strewn across the floor nearly forgotten. Our hair was tousled and our skin glistened. But the way he held me, the way we talked in the dark and reminisced. It was by far the most intimate thing.

       And then I was blinking it away, my eyes staring up into the hazel of his. He dropped his hands from my face to my shoulders. His lips wavered between a frown and a smile. I could feel my heart beating so fast I thought it might stop. David's heart must be beating just as fast from the way he was breathing. Was I breathing the same? I couldn't tell.

       "You love me?" My voice was small and an octave higher than normal. He swallowed as his eyes fell to my mouth. He looked away quickly, back to meet my stare.

       "I think so?" He hesitated, his hands sliding down my arms to my hands. "I've had very few relationships. I've had even fewer people that I've cared for this much. But I've never..." My breathing was hitched as he lifted our hands between us. He glanced down at our fingers as they intertwined.

       "You've never..." I pushed for him to say more. He swallowed again, the sound more audible this time. When his eyes met mine, I felt my mouth go dry.

       "I've never felt whatever this is. I don't know what to call it. But... When you walk into the room, everything feels brighter. When you laugh I swear it's one of the best sounds I've ever heard. When you cry, I wanna be the one who makes you feel better. And when you're angry, I wanna be the one to make you smile again.

        So, I don't know any other word to describe what it is that I feel for you. And I fight against those feelings every day because you're with him and you love him and that's... That's what you want. And I don't wanna come between you and what you want. No matter what I think or feel, I will respect your decisions.

       And no matter how much I wanna kiss you right now... I won't. That wouldn't be fair to either one of us. I won't be that person. I'm sorry for springing this on you, I tried not to say anything. I-"

       "I pushed you. Don't be sorry." I squeezed his hands. His answering smile was small, only one side lifting. If I hadn't pushed for him to tell me what was wrong, things would have continued as they were between us. But now my world was flipped upside down. More so than it already was.

       "Did I... Am I pushing you away right now?" He kept his eyes on mine, searching for an answer before I could voice it. I shook my head at him quickly.

       "Not at all. I... I'm just a little taken aback." It was the most honest I could be with him. There were words that I couldn't bring myself to say. Admissions that I would keep to myself for now. Some truths weren't meant for him to hear.

       "Can I ask you something?"

       "Anything." I regretted the word once it was out. Some inner part of me spoke without my wanting to. I felt my face redden even more than it already was.

       "Are you happy with him?" I could see that this was the question that was a deciding factor for him. I wanted to say yes. I wanted to tell him that I was happy and that this was everything I wanted it to be. But if I said those things, I'd be lying. My relationship with Jake wasn't perfect. It was gritty and at times difficult. I went into it with tunnel vision sometimes. I found myself focusing on trying to keep us together and lying about us to others, that I forget to be honest with him and put in the effort to make us work.