Secret Desires

27: The Pierce Name

June 11th

        "Say something." I rolled onto my back as I thought of everything I wanted to say, but couldn't. I wanted to argue and question him on so many things, but it felt wrong to do so. His father's body was shutting down and his end was nearing. Jake was hurting right now and arguing felt wrong.

        My mind kept going over everything that has happened in such a short amount of time. Sixteen days ago, I confronted David about what happened to Dani. Fourteen days ago, I saw Vanessa and noticed how big her stomach was. That same day we learned she was pregnant. Nine days ago, the school sent out an announcement that the end-of-school-year trip for the juniors was back on. I've read nothing about it because I didn't care. Five days ago, Jake started acting even more awkward and uncomfortable around me and I couldn't understand why. Today, I find out that Nolan got approved for furlough.    

        I haven't even told Jake that David and I were just friends. It never felt like the right time to do so. I've kept that bit of information to myself.

        "What do you want me to say?" I asked. I felt him shift beside me on the bed. He moved to lay on his side, propped up on one elbow. I turned my head to see his face. He was worried. I didn't really do much to ease that worry either. If anything, I gave him more reason to do so.

        "Anything. You've barely spoken to me- "

        "What is there to say?" It was a rhetorical question. I tried to find something to talk about with him. Some stupid unimportant topic, but all I could think about was his pregnant ex and how he signed for Nolan to be freed.

        "When are we going to talk about the elephant in the room?" His expression was hard. I wanted to get out of this bed and go home. At any second I felt like I would explode with an onslaught of insults that he didn't deserve.

        "What elephant?" He scoffed.

        "So we're just going to pretend that everything is fine when it isn't?" I sat up and pushed myself back against his headboard. He sat up and faced me.

        "What... as in which elephant are you referring to? The ex you knocked up... or your brother the abuser that you signed off for on being released?" He looked at me incredulously. I stared back at him, hating myself. He didn't deserve this and I knew I should be more understanding, but how could I? I was more than angry and more than hurt. I hated that I wanted to blame him for these things while his father was on the brink of death.

        "Okay, so then let's talk about it." I didn't want to. This wasn't going to end well.

        "Talk about what? What is there to talk about?" As if I had any say in any of this. I would never make him pick me over a baby. A baby that may or may not be his. Though I doubted it was anyone else's. I wouldn't make him go back on being Nolan's sponsor either. If their father passed and Nolan didn't get the chance to say goodbye-

        But then again, that wouldn't be on me. He was where he is right now because of him. What happens to Nolan wasn't any of my concern. I shouldn't care. But I do.

        "There's plenty to talk about. You've already made that clear." I laughed, wishing I would've turned down the invitation to come over here. But my mom was at work and I was home alone for the night.

        "Jake- "

        "Let's talk about the pregnancy. Let's get that out of the way." I rolled my eyes. The pregnancy. It felt like a slap to the face. We've made no effort to discuss anything about Vanessa being pregnant. I've asked just three questions pertaining to it. Was it his, did he want to be involved, and did he want to be with her... That was it. I received a simple yes, yes, and no. The first yes had sounded unsure but that might've been wishful thinking.