Secret Desires

36: Broken Little Girl

        Everything is the same.

        Everything.

       The sofa we threw away with the cheap throw tossed over an arm. The curtains my mother repurposed from cheap bedsheets, stained by some unknown substance. The bulky television positioned awkwardly atop a coffee table that we found in the alley.

       The side table with one of the legs snapped in half.

       The lamp completely shattered on the floor.

       It was all the same.

       Everything was the same.

       Marcus reached for Nolan, getting a fistful of his jacket. Nolan was quick, more agile than Marcus. He tore himself free from the jacket. A guttural sound came from Marcus as he glared at Nolan. Marcus threw the jacket toward the sofa, taking a step toward Nolan. They were at each other's throats. They both grunted, swearing at the other.

       Then there was me.

       I watched from a different perspective. I saw myself crawl towards Nolan's jacket, pulling free his cell phone. My hands shook as I tried to call for help. I moved toward my body, kneeling down beside myself. My cheeks were almost gaunt, my hair thin and flat. There was no color in my face and my eyes were nearly black. There was no life in them, only that pit of darkness that had consumed me all those months. I looked like a broken little girl.

        My body slumped over as I tried to hold the phone to my ear. I could almost feel the exhaustion that I felt in this moment. I could hear so clearly in my own ears the operator speaking through the phone. I watched as my grip on the phone started to loosen. I reached for it as it started to slip. Nothing happened though, my hand went right through it. I was nothing more than a ghost.

       "Help," I uttered. I watched my hand fall away from my face, the phone hitting the floor. My body looked lifeless as the chaos continued around me. I could see the blood seeping through my hair and down my face. I could almost feel the pulling and tugging that came from me getting stitches.

       Why am I here?

        Why is this moment important? This is something I tried to forget even though I knew that was nearly impossible. I didn't want to be here. This was a time that would haunt me for many reasons. The sight of my mother, bloodied and broken on the floor, was something I never wanted to see again. Marcus threatening to hurt me the way he hurt my mother and that fear that I felt. The terror. Then there was the relief and gratitude that I felt toward Nolan.

       If not for him, Marcus would still be in control of our lives. If not for Nolan, I don't know what would have happened to me. I felt so much guilt for getting him arrested. I did my best to not feel that remorse, but I felt it anyway.

       I gasped when everything around me was swept away by an onslaught of leaves. They sliced at my skin as they swirled all around. I couldn't see through the deep green of the leaves. The roar of the wind was almost deafening. I tried to stand but the force of the leaves kept me down. I could see blood running from the thin cuts all over my body. There was no way of escaping whatever this was. I couldn't scream out for help.

        I couldn't think.

       I couldn't breathe.

       I couldn't -

       I jolted upright, gasping for air. I wasted no time in getting out of bed and running for the light on the wall. I'd struggled once before trying to find the damned thing. I made a note to find it in the dark for times like this.