Secret Desires

✧ 7: This Was My Choice

✧ July 17

       I stepped aside to let both males in. David smiled at me, nodding once in greeting. I smiled back, already feeling the tension there. He passed me into the kitchen without a word. Layla followed behind him, asking him something but I hadn't heard what. My attention was on Jake.

        He shifted his hold on the box in his hands as he faced me. My heart was beating fast and hard. After waiting a month to see him, I had no idea what my reaction was going to be. But the feeling of wanting to back away from him hadn't been what I accounted for. Because that's what I was doing. I was backing away from the man who resembled the monster a little too much. I was backing away from the memory of that night. The memory of the gun going off the first and final time. David falling to the floor and the fear of him being... Me falling to the floor and the fear that I... The fear.

        Jake's eyes were not a reflection of what I was feeling. I could see the hint of a smile on his lips. The longing to perhaps reach out and pull me to him. Not that it was possible to do as much. I had no idea what I wanted. To scream, to run, to cry, to hold and kiss him, to tell him I missed him...

        He seemed to finally notice my reaction to him because his smile fell. I did my best to compose myself, but I knew it was too late. He saw all of it. There was question written on his face.

        "Blair," my mother called. I glanced over my shoulder to see her coming toward us. She smiled wide as she approached. "You're letting the outside inside." I didn't know what she was talking about. Not until a leaf blew in along with a twig. Sure enough, there were bits of nature that passed over the threshold. Jake laughed as he kicked it back outside.

        "Sorry," I told her. I cleared my throat, throwing on my best smile.

        "It's good to see you, Jake. We missed you." She reached for his arm and squeezed, her face soft as she smiled at him. Jake laughed but the sound seemed forced.

        "I missed you guys too." I stared up at him as he asked my mom questions that pertained to the both of us. I didn't answer any nor did I hear any. The ringing in my ears was growing louder as I kept staring up at him. I couldn't just stand here like this. I found my break when my mother mentioned how our neighbor was kind enough to check on the garden out back while we were away.

        "I was already bragging about your garden to him," I said. It was the escape I needed. "He wanted to see it." A quick lie. My mom's eyes lit up with excitement.

        "Do you want to see it now?" Before Jake could give her an answer, Claudia was calling for my mom. She was asking about a tray of food that needed to be heated in the oven but didn't want to mess with the oven's settings. Something about our oven being a little too high-techy for her. My mom giggled as she held a finger up to Claudia.

        "I can show him," I offered.

        "I was just about to tell you to take him out back." She laughed again, holding her hands out for the box in Jake's hands. He handed it to her, smiling tightly. He definitely knew what I was doing right now.

        "I'll show him your trellis by the shed too." I knew it was something she'd want me to show him. Her morning glories had climbed to the top and dropped down in a tangle of vines and flowers. It was something she was very proud of.

        "And the rose bushes!" She was yelling some other flower bunch to show him as she walked off into the kitchen. I laughed despite the tension I felt in my body. As I turned to face Jake, my smile fell a bit. He had looked so happy to see me and I had ruined that. I should've been just as happy.