Secret Desires

✧ 1: Without A Goodbye

        Raindrops started to collect on my lashes. I wiped at them as I sighed up at the sky. Storm clouds were approaching. What started as a drizzle was now turning into a downpour. The ground was cold and damp under my crossed legs. My temporary shelter under the tree was starting to fail me. I was only covered by a small portion. I could feel water running down my hair and soaking the back of my shirt. I'd need to leave soon. That or become drenched. It didn't matter to me if I did.

       I twirled the rose I brought between my fingers, flicking off any water that pooled under the petals. It was pretty. I'd never cared much for flowers or plants before. Not really. I felt I had a better appreciation for such things now. And there was something about a rose that conveyed emotions and intentions better than any other flower. It said, I love you with all my heart. Or, I'm sorry for that thing I did. Sometimes even, I saw this and thought of you. There was a universal understanding that a rose could get a message across no matter how small or big that message was.

       Or it's just a flower and I'm overthinking it.

       I lifted the flower to my nose and inhaled. The musky undertones and earthy fragrance were soothing. I adored the floral aroma. I inhaled again, closing my eyes momentarily to indulge in it. For a moment, I imagined I was somewhere else. Another place, another time. My mind took me where I liked visiting occasionally. Laying in the bed of a truck under a sky full of stars never compared to any other place.

       A squelching sound had me opening my eyes. I looked around to see a handful of people making their way to their cars. They stepped over small puddles and softened earth. One man in a hoodie and jeans uncaringly trudged through puddles and mud. Only a few, including me, stayed behind.

       The sky rumbled, clouds darkening as they neared. The rain picked up then. I watched as a woman who was by herself started rushing to her small car. It was me and two others now. They were a good distance away, their backs to me.

       Another rumble from the sky had me tilting my head back and closing my eyes. The water was near pelting. Sitting here like this, it was easy to pretend things weren't as they were. I smiled despite everything.

       "I can't remember if you liked the rain," I wondered aloud. A small laugh came from me, the feeling nearly foreign after four agonizing months. "I can't remember if I ever liked the rain." When was the last time I didn't run from it?

       My eyes prickled. I could feel my tears blending with the rain on my face.

       "I miss... I... " I sighed. The words were too hard. I waited to hear his voice. I waited to hear him laugh as he found a way to tease me. "I know things can't be undone. But I would give-" I stopped myself from finishing that sentence. I promised him and myself that I would stop with the bargaining talk. Doing so wouldn't help either one of us.

       "I'm trying," I told him. I covered my mouth as a sob broke from me. I leaned forward, folding in on myself. My body shook as I failed to hold everything back. "When does it s-stop hurting like this? Please... I n-need you."

       I sucked in a sharp breath as I shook my head. I blinked away fresh tears, my vision blurring. There was a hole in my heart, in my core, that was somehow empty yet always full. As if where something used to be, something else squeezed its way inside. Something ugly and painful. I felt it every day. It was cruel and demanding and I didn't know how to get rid of it. I didn't know how to stop the hurt.

       "David." My voice was an echo of the hollowness within me. This pain was unlike any I'd ever known. And it was heavy. It dragged me down to a depth I don't think I'll ever resurface from. No words could ever make this right. Especially when this conversation was one-sided. It always was now.