Secret Desires

✧ 18: Damning

✧ December 23rd

  It was around three thirty in the morning by the time things had settled between us. Dean had reacted the way I thought he would. He was confused and angry, asking me how I got so caught up in such a big mess. I didn't know what to say half the time, but I answered his questions as best I could.

He made himself clear on many things. Jake was a creep that he would never be able to look at the same. I gave my reasoning on how I hadn't known he was a teaching assistant the first time I saw him. Had I known he was a TA, I would have never felt the way that I did. But Dean used that argument as a point he was trying to make. Had I known had been me admitting that I knew better. But there was no mistaking that Jake knew what I was from the start. He knew and he didn't care.

David was a different story that I defended through and through. I initiated things between us, but David had pulled back. And when David admitted to wanting something more with me, he told me that it was best if we waited. He didn't want to push or cross any lines until it was okay to do so. He didn't want to take any risks for either of us. And when I told Dean that David had overstepped a few times when it came to protecting me, that David gave me the space I needed and has been there when I needed him the most, that David has respected me and my hesitations in every way possible, that David has never pressured me or pushed for anything between us, that David was a good I have never known before... Dean had gone quiet.

When he said nothing for a long while, I started to tell him about my regrets. That if I had set boundaries sooner, maybe then things wouldn't have gotten so ugly at times. Maybe if I had been smarter, I wouldn't have gotten hurt and neither would David. It was because of my mistakes that things went from bad to worse. Nolan could not take all the blame. This all started with me.

"I just wish that we never broke up. That I had listened and stayed with you." He started to stammer, trying to say something but I waved for him to stop. "Not like that. I'm not trying to steal you back. I'm just saying that... I miss when things were simple. When my only worries were my mom and what was for dinner. The things I was afraid of were if someone would notice the hole in my pants or if the bangs I gave myself were uneven. I miss that."

I took a lot of things for granted. If I could do it all over...

"If we hadn't broken up," Dean said. He had a hand halfway run through his hair, his demeanor more relaxed now. Stressed and overwhelmed, but somehow still relaxed. "You wouldn't have dated Nolan."

"Yeah, I know. That's the whole point," I say a bit bitterly. He shakes his head at me, giving me a look.

"No, I mean if you hadn't dated Nolan, Marcus would have never gone to jail. He'd still be in your lives." I'd considered this before. Of course he was right. It was also the reason I had struggled with my feelings toward Nolan for so long. There was that gratitude for what he did that I found hard to overlook. But the bad outweighed the good all the time when it came to him. I knew that now.

"I know," I sigh. Dean gnawed at the inside of his cheek as he looked at me, giving me another look that I didn't understand. He pushed his hair out of his face, taking a deep breath and letting it out in a huff.

"And... You also wouldn't have met David." I could see how hard it was for him to say this. And it meant a lot that he did. He was trying. For my sake, my friend was trying. I smiled at him teasingly, trying to lighten the mood.

"I bet it hurt to say that, huh."

"Little bit." We laughed, unable to stay quiet. But we were away from everyone else so it didn't matter. After we calmed down, I pushed myself off the desk. I rubbed at my butt, trying to make the numbness go away. Dean shook his head at me, smiling as he stood up and stretched. I was definitely tired now. A lot had happened tonight and I needed to sleep.