Secret Desires

25: Peace And Understanding

        There were no words I could offer him. I had nothing to say to give him comfort. David was battling ghosts and demons that I couldn't begin to fathom.

       He was living every day balancing a ton of things on a shelf held up by a single nail. He was a ship full of people and luggage out in open water with holes patched with duct tape. He was a can of pop being shaken over and over, a grenade behind held with the pin pulled, a powder keg sitting too close to a raging fire, a man running through a minefield...

       It was only a matter of time before everything he tried to keep hidden inside, everything he chose to ignore, erupted out.

       There were questions I may never be able to ask him. Things that would reopen old wounds when all I wanted for him was to heal after this. I pushed and maybe I shouldn't have, but I think this needed to happen.

       David was becoming overbearing and overprotective. The last thing I want to feel around him is suffocation. We needed time apart. We needed to heal and I don't think we can do that together. Not as a couple or whatever it was between us.

       "I'm sorry." I looked up, blinking away tears that clouded my vision. I couldn't stop crying. My eyes were most definitely swollen, but still, tears fell. Not fast and hard, but slow. Even David's eyes kept welling up, though he had better reasons than I did.

       "Sorry?" I asked. I wasn't sure what he was apologizing for. He hadn't done anything wrong as far as I knew. We'd been sitting on his bedroom floor for a while now. The only sound between us had been our breathing and constant sniffling.

       He sat across from me, his back to his dresser. I was leaning against his bed, the frame digging into my back. I didn't mind.

       It had been so quiet that we could hear the rain pick up in tempo; a drizzle turning into a downpour. The pitter-patter of rain hitting the roof was soothing. I found comfort in the sound. I don't think it helped David. I had no idea how to comfort him, I realized. I'd never needed to before.

       "Sorry for what?" I asked him. He cleared his throat, leaning his head back. His throat bobbed, his jaw tensing.

       "For... The codependency thing. I'm sorry for all of it." I nodded. Somehow, having him apologize for any of it felt wrong. I don't think I wanted an apology. I think I just needed him to acknowledge it.

        "It's fine." He shook his head, his gaze on the ceiling.

       "It's not. We already said it's not." His throat bobbed again. I pulled my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around my legs. I wiped fresh tears away with the back of my hand. David glanced down at me, a flash of concern in his eyes. This was the first time he's really looked at me since we've been down here.

       There was so much pain there.

       How did he manage to worry about me right now when he was the one hurting?

       "The day I keep coming back to... " I gave him a moment to remember what I was talking about. I saw the shift of emotion on his face. It was slight but noticeable. "The day I was almost expelled- "

       "You wanted to drop out." I nodded. I still felt that way occasionally. The thought was always in the back of my head. It was more on my mind now with everything going on at school. I felt myself being pushed in that direction, but I was trying to overcome it. It was proving to be a hard feat.

       "I told you how... How bad things really were and ever since that day- " I had to remind myself that I wasn't blaming him, I was explaining to him my side of all of this. "Ever since that day... You've looked at me differently. You've treated me differently and... And maybe that's my fault. I was the one who told you I felt like... That I wanted..."