Secret Desires

28: Grateful

June 12th

       "Nothing happened?"

       "Nothing."

       "Nothing?"

       "Nothing." Jill glanced over her shoulder before leaning toward me. Absolutely no one was looking at our table. I was beyond grateful for that. Now that the juniors get to go on their trip, there wasn't much to blame me for. I waited for when the news of Nolan's temporary release would spread.

       How soon after that would I be to blame again?

       "When was the last time you... Ya' know..." I rolled my eyes at her. I stared down at the uneaten burger on my tray. It looked and smelled unappetizing. I wasn't hungry anyway. All day my stomach has been in knots over last night.

       "It's been a while," I whispered back to her.

       "So like... Dean?" I cleared my throat, not really wanting to talk about my ex or my sex life at school. But she was right.

       The night before the summer break party. That was the last time I had sex. I was supposed to be at Jill's house, but really I was with Dean in his basement. We had sex with the lights off because we were supposed to be sleeping. Of course, we were anything but.

       I think we had the tv on to drown out any noise we might've made. I kept my shirt on and so did he. It was quick and uncomfortable. The futon's frame dug into my back as he hovered over me.

       That was my last time. Dean was my first and my last.

       I was always so comfortable with him. He never pressured me or made me feel bad for not wanting to. He respected me. And when we broke up, I kept trying to find reasons why our relationship was bad when it wasn't. I kept focusing on only the bad and ignoring all the good.

       Dean was defensive and it always made me think he was cheating. He never was. I was just insecure. Dean would always start a fight. I always instigated him to do so. Dean never really told me he loved me or how much. That wasn't his love language and I didn't understand that at the time. Dean never reassured me in stressful situations. We both needed reassurance.

       I thought he had changed so much after we broke up but he was still him. My outlook on things has changed. Was I a toxic girlfriend? There was so much I was dealing with at home that he didn't know about at the time. I blamed him for things and made him feel like he was the crazy one. I was battling demons he never knew about.

       Dean was good. He was so incredibly good to me. Our relationship wasn't perfect, but we made it work. And then we broke up. Over something so stupid. I regret the breakup and how it happened, but I love having Dean as my friend. This dynamic worked better for us.

       So it makes me wonder... Am I still the toxic one?

       "Yeah... Dean was my last time. Can we talk about something else?" Jill scrunched her nose as she looked away from me.

        "Fine," she sighed. I couldn't help but smile at that. My smile fell as I caught sight of someone making a quick escape out of the cafeteria. His head was down, his pace quickening when he reached the doors.

      Now he was avoiding me.

       "There's something I gotta do before class," I told her. I stood, leaving my tray of food with her. I knew she would eat it without me having to ask.

       "Where are you going?" I threw my bag over my shoulder, already making my way to the doors.

        "I'll tell you later." I probably wouldn't tell her.