Secret Desires

✧ 12: Not Getting Involved

✧ July 19

       David and I walked up and down my street. We'd already gone around the cul-de-sac more than a few times. When he arrived at my house I was already waiting outside for him. I was on the porch steps trying to get some fresh air. He suggested that instead of going inside, maybe we could take a walk. I hadn't wanted to at first, but then he said something about me needing the exercise. I just rolled my eyes even though it was true. I was supposed to be getting in some sort of exercise every day. Whether it was stretching or taking short walks around my block, I was supposed to be doing something.

        So we walked.

        I kept glancing at him out of uniform, looking over the clothes I was used to seeing him at Maple Creek. I associated the white shirt under a flannel and jeans paired with boots to be his rancher look. There were the clothes he wore outside of work and off the ranch that seemed so normal that it was hard to say what he did for a living. Walking beside me now, it wasn't that hard. The jeans had small tears with fraying threads and grass stains at the knees, indicating that he did some sort of work outside. There was also a pair of work gloves sticking out of his back pocket, making me wonder if he was doing chores before he came here.

        When he first got out of his truck, I questioned him on his clothes. Not on why he was dressed like this, but on why he wasn't in uniform if he was supposed to be working today. He told me not to worry about it but I did. I didn't want him calling off of work because of me. He told me it was just one sick day and that it wasn't a big deal. When I tried arguing he told me he wouldn't hear any of it, waving me off. There was nothing I could do but accept it and let it go.

        As we walked, I couldn't help but steal glances at the white car. Any time we neared Jake's house we wordlessly veered away, walking in the street rather than sticking to the sidewalk. There was no traffic to worry about so walking in the street wasn't a big deal. But my mind kept wandering and making up horrible scenarios. I had no idea what was going on and that was my fault. I told David that I didn't want to know anything. If I couldn't get involved, then I didn't need the truth. Even though the weight of it all was hard to ignore. But it wasn't my weight to bear.

        That... and Jake hadn't even texted or called yet. He was gone and Vanessa was here and he said nothing about it to me yet. I tried to not let it get to me, tried making up excuses or reasons but it was getting to me. Talking about it with David wasn't going to help but neither was avoiding it. He asked only once if I wanted to know and I said no. Then he asked if I wanted a distraction. I said yes.

        Now he was distracting me with Would you rather questions and What would you do if this or that ever happened? I asked him to tell me some more little stories from his childhood. I wanted to know about his siblings and his parents, things I didn't already know. I asked about any plans he had for the future as a police officer and with Maple Creek. I wanted to know what he thought his life would be like if he were an only child and didn't live on a ranch. I told him to tell me more random animal facts which made me laugh or gasp in horror. He did a great job of distracting me.

        My heart nearly stopped when a blue car pulled onto the street. At first glance, I thought it was him, but it wasn't. It was a neighbor a few houses down. I hadn't realized I'd stopped walking until I looked up to see David a few paces ahead. He was looking over his shoulder at me, waiting with a smile. It was comforting though I could see he knew what bothered me. I smiled back at him, moving to be by his side again.

        The questions and stories continued until I started to fall silent, my words and answers short and distracted. My mind was starting to wander back to my worries about Jake. I was feeling defeated for some reason. All I could think now was that this baby wasn't his. Jake wasn't going to be a dad. Vanessa was a liar. I couldn't tell him any of this. I'd stopped walking when we reached my house again. David wordlessly moved to the back of his truck and dropped the tailgate. I watched as he rolled his sleeves up, turning to face me with a big smile on his face. He patted the bed of his truck with an expectant look.