Secret Desires

7: Tell Me To Stop

          You're okay. You're okay. You're okay. Breathe. Deep breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth. You're okay...

        I covered my mouth when a sob escaped from me. My hands shook, trembling from fear. I wasn't drenched in sweat this time, but I was clammy. The dream... I had it again. It was different, but still the same. Nolan was there. He was beckoning me towards the darkness. I didn't want to go to him, but something was dragging me toward him. His laughter echoed in every direction. He was all around me, getting closer. He was going to hurt me once he got ahold of me. He was going to trap me again and this time he wasn't going to let me go.

        I buried my face in my hands as I cried. I was sitting up in bed hunched over with my knees to my chest. I was hoping that maybe being in the fetal position would help, but it made me feel small. Before Nolan, I never use to feel this small. Before Nolan... It felt like forever ago. So much has changed. All I can ever think about is how I let things get this far. I'm being put in positions I've never been put in before. Every day feels like a new battle, a new fight that I was never meant to win.

        What if things had worked out the way they probably should have? Not things, but just one thing. One event in my life that has caused a domino effect. Greg's summer break party. If I had stayed home that night, if I hadn't gone, if Jill hadn't found Dean first... If I had just given them the benefit of the doubt. If I had just listened. I pushed Jill and Dean away and let my anger take control.

        If Dean and I had still been dating, he would have picked me up that first day. He would have driven me to school and I wouldn't have been late. I wouldn't have been at my locker when Jake was headed to Art. We wouldn't have walked to class either because I would have already been in class. I would have heard Mr. Banks' fair well speech. My first introduction to Jake would have been the same as everyone else's. I would have known he was my teacher and that would have been the end of that story.

        There would be no Nolan. No pain, no heartache. No nightmares.

        "Hey." I gasped when a pair of hands touched me. "It's okay, it's just me." David backed up a bit while showing me his hands. I stared at him wide-eyed for a moment. He must have heard me crying. After I'd taken my shower, David suggested I sleep downstairs in case I get sick again. He said he would help me if I needed it. I agreed, appreciative of his offer. He didn't hesitate to give me his bed as he took the sofa for the night. I'd fallen asleep so fast only to fall back into a nightmare.

        "I didn't mean to wake you," I whispered. I wiped away fresh tears as he carefully sat on the bed beside me. He reached toward me but quickly pulled his hand back. I wanted him to touch me. I wanted him to comfort me because right now I felt like I was breaking. How was it possible to still feel like this? The trial was over, why am I still a mess?

        "What's wrong? Why are you crying?" I looked away from him as I held myself. There was a pillow at the end of the bed with a polka dot cover. I stared at one of the dots as I told him about my dream. Not just this one, but the one I had earlier. My eyes prickled as I told him how there was no one there to help me. The feeling of being helpless was too familiar.

        "I hate feeling like this," I cried. My hand was on my chest as a sob broke from me. "It hurts. It always hurts." David pulled me to him without a second thought. I buried my face into his chest and tried not to break. His arms wrapped around me were holding me together like glue and right now, it was enough. This was enough.

        I wasn't sure how much time had passed. David had moved only once and that was to get more comfortable. He'd leaned against the wall and shoved a pillow behind his back. All the while holding me as I cried. The rise and fall of his chest had been calming as I worked on getting my breathing under control. When I finally calmed down and the tears had stopped, David still held me. I waited for him to ask me if I felt better and then leave. He hadn't. He stayed and would probably stay until I said otherwise.