Secret Desires

✧ 4: Not My Intention

✧ July 15

       The flight home had been a blur. The entire trip back had been a blur really. David did better at being alert and awake for it all despite both of us being on the same pain meds. I slept on the plane and during the drive home with my mom. I remember being nervous about getting on the plane again, but I couldn't remember if I had that same fear from before.

       Once home, I had gone to lie down. I didn't even bother with taking in my surroundings. My mother had. I watched her stand in our living room and take a moment for herself. Her hand had been on her stomach as she took deep breaths, looking around and nodding to herself. As if confirming we were really here. I said something I couldn't remember as I passed her to the stairs.

       My feet dragged as I hauled my body to the second floor to my bedroom. The stairs had felt like they'd doubled in number since we'd been gone. I left my luggage downstairs, not having the energy or strength to carry it. Not that my mother would have let me. It was a feat in itself that I managed to get up the stairs without stopping for a break or collapsing altogether. Granted I had to hold my side the whole way up, but a victory nonetheless.

       I'd awoken four hours later. A glance at my phone on my nightstand told me we still had two hours before dinner tonight. With that knowledge, I stayed in bed awake for a bit until the grogginess wore off. It hadn't. After maybe thirty minutes, I took a cold shower to help speed the process along. It definitely woke me up.

       I didn't take too long to get ready. Though, deciding what to wear had been an issue. The four dresses I owned stared back at me. Three of them were tied to memories that weren't very pleasant. The grey one I had sworn to myself that I was going to throw out was something I would never wear again. I kept it in here though as a reminder that I had gone through with my trial despite everything that could have gone wrong. It was the same dress I wore to Jill's grandfather's funeral and Gloria's house. The bad outweighed the small bit of good.

       The red silk dress hanging on a velvet hanger was something I didn't think I'd ever get to wear. It was far too elegant for any occasion I'd ever be attending. It certainly wouldn't be appropriate for tonight, not with David's family there and what the dress was meant for at one point.

       Then there was the black one. The dress I'd worn the night David took me to the Golden Willow. I wasn't confident enough to wear it around everyone else. And besides, David taking me out hadn't been the only thing that happened that night. As I grazed my fingers along the neckline, I could almost hear the words Jake and I had shouted at each other. We'd been so angry and the venom spewed from both of us had been ugly.

       So that left the last dress I owned. The one I wore now that I always looked over. It was an off-shoulder red dress, more like wine, and stopped at the knee. The bodice was fitted with an illusion neckline made of black lace. Its circle skirt was perfect for twirling, something I only ever got to do in the changing room. This dress was bought at a thrift store and had a stain on the hem that my mother struggled to get out but eventually did. It had been something I was meant to wear to school functions or any important events. But I had outgrown it before I could wear it. Now, it fit perfectly.

       I looked myself over in the bathroom mirror, trying not to feel self-conscious. My hair was down and parted to the side. I'd used my mother's curler to add some waves but I wasn't the best at it. It had given my hair some life though. I had on a small amount of eyeliner that seemed to darken my eyes. I didn't trust myself with adding any other kind of makeup to brighten my face. Not that I had much to begin with. The small lotus hanging at the base of my throat stood out next to the black lace. It seemed to be the only thing that was bright about me.