Secret Desires

5: Or Worse?

        Jill: And you're sure you're okay???

        I texted Jill back a lengthy message explaining how I was better now, but that earlier was a little scary for me. I couldn't explain why the sudden panic and fear had come so fast and had been so overwhelming. I didn't want to dwell too much on thinking about it. Thinking about it didn't make me feel better. I only felt ashamed and a little defeated.

        Jill asked me how I felt about the things Jake had said and I told her how angry I was with him. He'd told me last week how he wanted things to be better between us. Why would he ever think this was the way to make things better? I wanted us to be okay, but he was ruining any chance of us ever being remotely okay. Dumb boy...

        Jill: Okay. Text or call if you need to talk. Headed out.

        I replied back asking where she was going. I wish she could come here. Especially after today's events. When I felt somewhat better, we left for Maple Creek. David remembered to stop somewhere to get me something to eat, but I'd forgotten I was even hungry. I told him I didn't want anything, but he bought me food anyway. He said I could eat it when I get my appetite back. I haven't yet.

        Jill: Out with a friend. Have a good night! I'm here if you need me, love you.

        A friend? What other friends did she have? I thought after everything with Nolan she didn't have any friends. Or maybe I just haven't noticed. She doesn't mention anyone else. Or... Was this her special friend? The mystery boy that I apparently knew about? I started to type a new message asking one too many questions about who she was with and where she was going. When I ran out of characters for a single message, I deleted the whole thing.

        Blair: Night, love you too.

        I stared at my screen half expecting her to text back. She didn't. I sighed as I placed it on the coffee table. I shivered when the blanket I had wrapped around me fell off my shoulder, exposing me to the cold basement air. I pulled my legs to my chest, tightly wrapping the blanket around my body. It was warm in my little cocoon. The space heater David usually sets up when I'm down here was broken. I looked over my shoulder to see it tucked away in a corner behind some boxes. Next to the boxes was the door to David's room. I quickly averted my eyes when I felt my face get hot. When I was down here I constantly wondered what his bedroom looked like. Shamefully I wondered how big his bed was too.

       The first night I spent here David brought me down to the basement to watch a movie. I remember thinking the basement was just his bedroom. I'd been wrong. There was a small living area, a full bathroom, a laundry room, and two bedrooms. One bedroom belonged to David, the other belonged to Drew. I'd been in her room many times.

        She had a lot of inspirational quotes and sayings on her walls. There was a mirror hanging on the back of her door that had a small saying written on it. In what I assumed was black sharpie ink, she had 'you are beautiful, you are enough' written in her handwriting. The white vanity with a tri-fold mirror against one wall had books stacked atop it. There was a bookmark in every single one. The dresser beside her vanity had various things scattered about on its surface. Nail polishes, earrings, hair clips, lipsticks. She never wore any of it. It all lay there untouched.

        I'd seen her wear lipstick once. When Dallas complimented her, she went to the bathroom to wipe it off. No one said anything about it. I remember looking to David in question, but he just shook his head at me. So I never brought it up to her when we were alone. There were other things in her room she had out in the open, but never wore or used. On the nightstand beside her bed, she had a purple perfume bottle that was full. The cap wasn't on it so I assumed she used it a few times before.