Secret Desires

✧ 11: How Bad Is Bad?

✧ July 18

       I was pacing between the fireplace and the stairpost. My mind was pulled in different directions as I reeled over my conversation with Gloria. We had talked for nearly an hour before she left. The topic of David hadn't resurfaced, something I had been quietly happy about. I told myself that if she brought him up again, I would give her a semi-honest answer about being involved with someone already. That someone needn't be named. Speaking to her about David wasn't something I wanted to do. It wasn't something I wanted to do with anyone.

        Mostly because I needed to figure out where I stood on the matter, my mind and heart were torn. No decisions had been made on my part regarding his declarations to me. The choice seemed like an easy one though. And I hated myself for seeing it as an easy choice. Nothing about this should be easy. And he had already said that he didn't expect me to make any decisions, but that didn't mean there wasn't a choice to be made.

        Torn.

        My cruel indecisive mind was at war with my heart and its reckless wants and needs. Both were terribly selfish and made for horrible company. No matter what I decided, no matter who I chose, someone was going to get hurt. And again, David didn't expect me to make any decisions soon. He definitely didn't expect me to choose him over Jake, no matter what he said to me. He wants me to be happy, even if that's not with him it seems.

        I want to be happy too. I just don't know how. But after my talk with Gloria, I might as well go try and buy happiness.

        I glanced down at the coffee table. Beside a candle meant only for decorative purposes were two checks totaling out to forty thousand dollars. Twenty thousand for me, twenty thousand for my mother. Just thinking of the amount made my stomach twist into knots. It was an insane amount of money. Perhaps not to Gloria, but to someone who didn't have two pennies to rub together growing up, it was an outrageous number. She also grew up in similar conditions, but I couldn't wrap my mind around it.

        I had no idea what I would do with twenty thousand dollars, but it was mine to spend however I wanted. I'd been a stammering idiot when she handed me the checks, my tongue tied and my voice rising a few octaves. When I could speak, I could only manage to ask why a dozen times. I meant to ask full questions.

        Why are you giving me this? Why would I deserve this? Why so much money? Why be this generous to us of all people? Why have you been so kind to me and my mom? Why now? Why do any of this?

        She laughed as she rested a hand on my shoulder, her fingers squeezing gently. Her answer had been simple. Just two simple words that didn't help the knots in my stomach.

        Why not?

        As if we deserved any of that money. If things had been different, if tragedy hadn't struck, this money would have been meant for Marcus. It was a sad thought that I tried to shake from my mind. But it was hard to imagine it any other way. This money would have been for her son and his wife. It might have also gone to their daughter to aid in a promising future for her. Either way, I did not feel I deserved this money let alone my mom.

        "Your mother will try to rip it up but don't let her. You two deserve to do something for yourselves without the financial burden. It's not a favor or a loan, it's a gift. So don't try and argue with me. You'll only upset me." After that, Gloria left. I didn't walk her to the door and see her out. I was stuck on the sofa with my eyes locked on the two checks on the coffee table. I stared and stared at them. I stared at the elegant signatures, the perforated edges where the checks were ripped, the ridiculous amount written, and the faint pastel watercolors decorating the paper. I stared until my eyes dried out.