Secret Desires

✧ 9: Self-Pity

✧ July 17

       David and I pointed out clouds to each other, finding animals or objects in their shape. We nearly disagreed on all of them. What I thought looked like a beaver was a duck head to him. A giraffe was an alligator and a boot was Florida. But we kept at it even as the sky faded from hues of pink and orange to blues and purples. Stars started to wink into existence, the clouds sparse now.

        We'd gone inside for a bit, but I found myself making my way to the backyard again not long after. There was nothing for me inside. Everyone seemed to find a place and fit just fine. I never found a way to join any conversation being had. Not that I had wanted to, but I tried. But there was nothing I felt my input would matter in.

        I made eye contact with Jake more than a few times. It unsettled me each time. He looked uncomfortable when he looked my way. He avoided looking my way after a long while. Long enough that I didn't want to be in the same room with him anymore. I felt unreasonably angry with him even as I tried to justify it.

        And now I was lying on the ground overthinking everything. David did his best at trying to distract me, but my mind was a jumble of thoughts and emotions. I had one foot in that place where Jake was in my head. I seemed to always have one foot there. It was draining. Spiraling in my backyard had been the most draining thing today. I'd said so much that my voice was a near rasp. I'd shouted not caring who heard me. And I insulted David without meaning to.

        I turned my head to look at him beside me. His hands were resting on his stomach as he stared up at the sky. As if sensing me staring at him, he turned his head too. I winced when he met my eye. His eyebrows bunched together as he smirked at me.

        "What's that face for?"

        "Just thinking about how I called you an idiot." He laughed, surprising me. I smiled. I was embarrassed by my outburst earlier, but he seemed to be handling it all very well. It could've all been worse I suppose.

        "If I call you stupid, does that make us even?" I was biting my lower lip, a small laugh coming from me. I didn't miss him glancing down at my mouth. It was so quick I might've missed it if I blinked.

        "Only if you mean it."

        "Hmm." He looked away from me, laughing under his breath. I was still smiling at him, feeling just a little more like myself. Whoever that was. I had no idea what feeling like myself was anymore. Who I was and who I am are two different people. I hate both of them. Maybe that's why I hated my own company when I was alone. Because when it was just me, my mind played all my errors and insecurities on repeat. It left me feeling worthless and like garbage.

        I wasn't kind to myself. There wasn't anything I liked or loved about who I am as a person. And I don't even feel like a person. I feel like a burden. Like a problem for everyone to deal with. I fought with trying to be happy that I survived what happened a month ago. I tried to be grateful, but I was left feeling guilty that I didn't. I should be happy. I should feel anything but what I feel now. There was nothing I loved about life and there was nothing I loved about me.

        But lying here next to David in my backyard under a blanket of stars, it was easy to forget the self-pity and self-loathing. Even if it was just for a little bit. It was enough to make me smile through all of it.

        Somehow, I was someone worth loving. Not as a daughter or as a friend. David loved me. He loved me. And I didn't know what to do with that.

        "You love me." He turned back to face me. The way he looked at me with such adoration was heartbreaking. I didn't feel I deserved to be looked at like that. I didn't deserve him. He definitely didn't deserve the mess that I was.