Secret Desires

16: Worries And Concerns

        There was a song playing somewhere in the house. I recognized it once I heard the chorus. The beautiful and familiar instrumentals stirred something inside of me.

       "If we're wrong or if we're right, you can have my heart tonight."

       I closed my eyes as I hummed along to the melody. I heard this song before at a time when the fog was at its heaviest. I'd been painting that picture where Jake and I would one day have a future. I resonated with the lyrics. I still do.

        Even with my eyes closed, tears fell. I buried my face in the pillow. I was glad to be back in the guest bedroom; away from everyone and everything. There was so much weighing on me. I felt heavy with indescribable feelings.

      Tonight had been a lot. I felt like I was given the last puzzle pieces I needed to finish a puzzle I've had for a long time now. Jake gave me the corners, Vanessa gave me the center, and David gave me pieces to fill scattered gaps.

        There was just so much to take in. I was still trying to come to terms with the fact that Vanessa had dated both David and Jake. She'd met Jake at a bar two years ago. Two short questionable weeks later, he was introducing her as his girlfriend. Two weeks wasn't even long enough to call someone a friend. Did he know anything about her before getting with her? It didn't sound like he'd given her much of a choice if he just suddenly introduced them as a couple. It was weird to me. Was I overthinking it? Maybe the assertiveness had been appealing to Vanessa.

       And they both had been dishonest and mean when they were together. Vanessas' parents wanted her to break up with Jake. It sounded like he never knew they disliked him. He once called her a spoiled brat. Maybe it deterred her from being honest about not wanting to be cut off by her parents. She chose them over supporting him.

       I'd sided with Jake regarding that, but I hadn't known the whole story. He barely knew Vanessa when she chose her parents' side over his. They hadn't been dating long, but they both seemed to have mutually loved each other. Until they didn't. Jake let her believe he still loved her. While Vanessa was picturing a future where they lived together and got married, he was going behind her back. They talked about baby names, but he had already fallen out of love with her.

       But how could I judge him for leading her on? Had I not done the same thing to his brother? I let Nolan think we were headed in the right direction. I dated him while I went behind his back and kept secrets. I lied to his face and used him for my own selfish and immoral needs.

       How different yet similar our situations had been. Nolan found out the truth I'd been hiding from him and he'd hurt me. Vanessa found out about what Jake had been hiding and hurt him. It had been unintentional, but it still happened.

       He hadn't told me she had been the one to buy him the camera either. There was a lot he hadn't told me. He always wants me to be open with him, but I knew nothing about Vanessa other than that she was a monster. I don't believe that anymore. I felt sorry for her. Even after she had slapped David, I felt sorry for her. She really was blindsided and betrayed. I hated seeing Jake in this new light, but it was hard not to.

       And Vanessa describing her relationship with Jake sounded miserable. They screamed at each other and said things that hit a nerve. They never said sorry, but they had sex to make up. I'd hated hearing about them being intimate, but I had no right to be jealous. Their relationship wasn't anything to be jealous about anyway. It was horrible. And yet, she had loved him. And then she found his portfolio.

       I believed her when she said it was an accident. She was being truthful. She had said she only wanted to talk to him and apologize, but he hadn't wanted to hear or even be near her. Jake got an order of protection against her after the incident. He blocked her and made all of her attempts to explain and make amends into a form of harassment. I couldn't side with either of them.