Am always with you.....

Chapter 13

BEN

I removed my shoes and sat down on the dry sand. The usually mischievous and playful waves seemed cold and harsh today. There was a loneliness and darkness around me. The sun was getting off his work and spreading colours in its happiness; but it seemed that those colours were not able to reach me today. I was in a mess. It has been 3 days since my fight with Zach. I always knew that the fight was silly and yet chose to go for the same - now feeling ashamed about it.

I kept on thinking of that day. When I was annoyingly happy about Zach's visit. When the eye-opening conversation took place. When Zach conveyed sadness through his eyes. I questioned his behaviour. But what he said in the end dragged me from the palace of illusions I was in and slammed me on the floor of reality.

FRIEND. He reiterated the word. The look he had was of a person who had given up. Done.

Zach left that day, leaving something behind. I almost laughed at the coincidence of what happened next. As he was getting up, he accidentally dropped a box under the bed. Unaware, he left it behind. I saw the box, but didn't say anything to him. After some time, I picked it up. It was a square shaped blue box, made of handmade paper. I opened it and found newspaper shredding in it. Confused, I shuffled through it and found the oyster placed in it. The very oyster I gave him. After he left, I thought about it for a long time, and it didn't take me long to realize the shit I chose to roll in. I got jealous, ruined Zach's date, hurt his feelings and most importantly- felt proud about it by giving the excuse of a silly promise! You see, I have achieved the doctorate in stupidity! Wasn't I his friend? Whatever he was for me now, wasn't it my responsibility to at least not hurt him? I felt so guilty that started questioning myself. Do I really like him? Do I really want him as a partner? Do I have the right to have feelings for him after all this? If I wasn't able to be his friend, how can I assure him that I will keep him happy?

And then the whirlpool of questions started, bringing with it the winds of confusion and storms of uncertainty. The questions about my feelings were on one side, while those about my sexuality was on other. Is this love or mere attraction? Do l really like boys? I always thought that I liked girls, I never had such strong feelings towards any boy. But now I wanted a boy. What am I? Gay? Bisexual? How come I never knew that I was attracted to boys?

I gave it a thought- I always had butterflies in my stomach when I saw a girl of my type. But what about boys? Where were these butterflies when boys were around me? I was numbed by all these questions. I was in a battle with myself. But I knew some things for sure- my feelings for him were more than that for a friend and they were real.

I remembered that we had a group call. But how should I join it? With what face? The mere thought of facing Zach dropped a stone in my stomach. I switched off my net after I posted a quote on Instagram which exactly represented my feelings and crept under my sheets. I didn't know what to do other than hugging the box shamelessly. Usually, in my hard times, I needed his company the most. Troubled, I fell asleep in the long night.

Next day, I woke up gloomily. Everything in the house was normal, but not for me. The incidents of the previous day kept me occupied. Jamey noticed it and kept on asking questions. He said that Zach called yesterday to ask where I was. I was on verge of tears.

Even after all this, he still called.

I checked my phone for the missed calls, there were 2- from Isha and Zach. Then I saw Isha's Whatsapp messages-

"Where are you? Aren't you joining the call?"

"PICK UP THE CALL!"

"STUPID BEN! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU! YOU HAVE RUINED MY PLAN!"