Belladonna

4.1 ] Passion & Fear

••●••

IT'S COMEDIC, REALLY, how when Director Hayes saw me and Reign he stood up and smiled. Said he was impressed. Told me my apparent win over the Victors (losers now I guess) really showed my worth.

Then Reign cleared his throat. Stepped forward and whispered something to him. 

We've been sitting in silence ever since.

"We suspected you were ill, we just didn't know..." 

Director Hayes trails off and expects someone else to finish his sentence for him. It's definitely not going to be me. And Reign obviously doesn't know what's going on - not entirely. 

"Margeux? Talk." Hayes directs. 

I stay silent a few seconds longer. All of the laughter has worn off. I feel spent. Tired. Id on't feel like laughing or smiling anymore. 

"I defended myself." I finally speak. 

"From Liam?" 

I nod. 

"He...did he say why...?"

I sigh before calmly readjusting myself in his seat. The movement has him subtly flinching. Reaching down somewhere under the desk. Probably for a gun. 

"Said he was doing it for the team or something. I think he was scared after my little escapade today." I guess. 

"And then he what? Pulled a gun on you?" Hayes urges me to continue. 

"He tried strangling me. But then halfway through the guilt seeped in. Maybe some remorse." My eyes snap to Reign's. His gaze proves nothing of what he's thinking. 

Your remorse? Get rid of that.

"So he stopped?"

I nod again. 

"And then what?"

I divert my attention to the walls. To some more paintings, probably stolen as well. Then I face him again. I've never been this uncomfortable talking about the people I've killed. Usually when I'm doing this, I've lied. Not right now though. There's no need to lie. And yet still, I never realised how...daunting telling the truth could be. 

"I bashed his head into the wall," I whisper, "And then the tiles until he was dead."

"Did he fight back?"

"Barely."

"Did you like it?" Reign speaks for the first time. He's not really glaring at me like he'd usually be. When he saw me in the cafeteria I thought he was. That he was upset. But now that I can see his eyes up more closely, it's not that. It's something different. 

"Sorry?" I blink. 

"When you killed Liam. Did you like it?" He repeats. 

My mind goes so quickly to say yes. To brag. To talk about my love for blood and watching lives flutter away. 

But no. 

No, I didn't like killing Liam. Which is odd. Every time I think about it. About how giddy I felt after, about how stunned I was - I realise I was only scared. 

The first thing that comes to my mind when thinking about Liam isn't pleasure - it's fear. 

"No." I finally say, the word quiet. 

"What did you feel?" Reign pushes. 

"...scared."

I've never admitted that before. Not since I was a little girl trapped under my father's body or frozen on the beam with my coach's fingers in my leotard. 

Reign doesn't talk any further. He's quiet again. 

"We're keeping you." Hayes finally decides.

"What?" Reign and I both say - at the same time. 

"You're handy. You took out eleven men." He shrugs, "We're keeping you."

"I..." I trail off, confused. This is definitely something you get killed over - especially in underground task forces. 

But then I remember Odyssey's words from when I first came here. 

"Even if they did try anything - every other person here is given permission to terminate." She continued rambling at my silence.

"Terminate?" I questioned, finally facing her.

"In Team X you're offered the go ahead at any crime really," She shrugged, "As long as it's justified."

"And who would judge that?" I asked.

"Director Hayes."

I guess Director Hayes found me impressive and important enough to believe me on the spot. I don't know how I feel about it. Maybe a little grateful. But...mostly tired. Panicked in the most numb way a person can be panicked. 

"Obviously there's something off about you though." Director Hayes continues, "That's why I'm calling in a professional to give me an opinion on your state of mind." 

I jolt up at that, eyes blown as I stare at him, "No."

"You don't really get to object here Margeux."

"No." I shake my head, "No, no, no - I'll never talk to one of them, they don't even help, they're bullshit, they-"

"Margeux." Director Hayes tone is passive when he says it, "It's happening." 

Fuck. No, no, no, no, no. Therapists - councillors - whatever you want to call them - never help. The pick at your brain and show off their learnt telepathy, opening you raw, before leaving. I can't have that. I don't need it. I'm simple. A psychopath or a sociopath. It doesn't really matter which one I am. 

And yet with all my passion - all my desperation to never speak to one - I'm stuck frozen. Unmoving as Director Hayes picks up his phone, and dials someone. 

Right now. Right here. I'm going to bare my soul out loud. 

••●••

Worse before they get better, you know Juana's style.

Margeux's about to be like:

- Juana.