Addicted to Green

CHAPTER 38

CADEN

Once I hear the front door bang closed, the house shakes a little as the river and Roxanne disappear behind the closed door. I sigh constantly and I walk down the long stairs. I peep out the window seeing Roxxanne and River hop into the river's black SUV.

They are supposedly going out of town for the weekend to a resort or something cheesy like that. I honestly don't know, and don't care... Well now I have to care since the FBI is on my ass about everything that the river does.

Once I see the car retreating and driving off into the school's direction I go back upstairs and change into appropriate clothing for my mission... okay my mission is just to get out of this damn house.

But it's a mission nonetheless. I need more pills actually. That's my main goal right now. After a couple minutes I changed and I walked out of the house. The darkness greets me and i hear the crickets in the distance. The lights shine on the little snow on the ground. It's December first and it's just snowing now. I haven't lived in Riverview longl, It's a little like Boston since normally snow first comes in December and January. I walk straight to the pharmacy passing Navina's house...

Sadness creeps up all over. She has stopped texting me since I told her we should end whatever was... us. I only saw her twice at school and both times I hid from her. I only went to second period a handful of times and when I did Navina tried to talk to me, and she did. Just having a one sided conversation. But after a few days she kinda gave up... i was sad, i loved hearing her voice but I have no right being sad since i'm the one who gave up on us... I was the one ignoring her.

Of course I feel bad. But I can't do, whatever we were.

"Caden." I turned around in the darkness of the street, hearing my name. i recognize the voice. I see the agents plus...

"Mr. Gallagher.'' I mutter confused as to why he's involved in this since technically he's a conflict of interest as the agents put it.

"Caden." he then speaks and nods his head. "How are you son?" he then asks. I swallow the lump in my throat... he has to know me and Navina aren't... together? Friends? I don't know, we're just not anything anymore.

"Fine." i say. "What do you guys need?'' I then asked, cocking a brow and looking at the two other agents that are beside Nico Gallagher.

"We almost got River... we have a strong case and our supervisor is just finalizing his arrest.. I thought you should know.'' The woman then speaks in a softer tone.

I don't know how I'm feeling, but whatever it is, I don't know how I feel about it. I always thought that once River was gone I would be better. I would be happier... so why am i not happy? I'm not going to get any beatings, I'm not gonna get yelled at for no reason... I'm not going to have to live with the man that murdered my mom and possibly my dad and sister...

So why am I not happy?

It's scary. Now that River might be gone. For good this time. Who am I going to go with? I always told myself no one could help, no one could fix my situation, and if River ever did go to jail then... I would go somewhere I really don't want to go. What if when River is gone he will finally make his death threats come true, not that I care about myself nonetheless, but Navina's death threat, her family, Jesper, his family to... what if he has someone on the outside that could kill them once he went to jail.

Plus his sudden change in attitude. sometimes this would happen, moments small ones but moments nonetheless. he got nicer, less alcholic, less beatings. they never lasted though, give or take only a couple weeks, in those weeks it would be fine, but i cut more, took more pill. I guess I got used to the pain. It was better than dealing with the pain in my head. It was an outlet. On me.

I can't let River go to jail. I can't.... What was i thinking taking the FBIs deal? If River goes to jail I go to- to some foster system or boys home... I'm never gonna get another 'parent' figure... ever. I can't let him go to jail. Its not-

I can't... I feel my chest constrict.. God fucking damnit I need my damn pills.

"Hey, you okay?'' I'm taken out of my thoughts and I look up at them all looking at me with concern, warping their features.

I swallow the lump in my throat trying to breath. I put my hands behind me and i grip the cuts on my arm hoping it helps. "Ya, I'm fine." I then say wanting to leave but what if they follow me to the damn pharmacy and figure out what I'm taking. Sure it might not be a surprise but still, they will look at me differently... What if that ruins River's case? A traumatized depressed boy at the hands of a madman, they could think i'm just crazy and let River go... if he goes to trial then gets out.. What will happen to me? My friends?

God, I need to leave. The pain searing through me isn't enough. "You don't look fine." Mr. Gallagher than speaks. He walks closer to me holding out his hand and I take a step back and out of his grip.

"Well I am." I then say pushing down my feelings. "Is that all?" I then spoke looking at the other agents not wanting them to see me weak.

They both nod and I start turning back to my desired direction. "Actually one more thing.'' I hear the male voice. I sigh and turn around raising my brows in questions. "We are going to be arresting him on sunday... in two days." the man then finishes.

I nod. "Cool." i say and turn around from them all. Once I start walking I put my hands in my sweater jacket and I feel my breathing skyrocket once I cant see them anymore. I look up at the white sign seeing the pharmacy and I walk in. There's not much of a line so it's only a couple minutes before I make it and get my pills.

Once i do i walk into the night again the crickets louder and the cool breeze on my cheeks making them red. I take out the bottle and throw out the white packaging in the garbage right next to a small store. I then pop four without water and i pocket the pills. I look at the time realizing the river and Roxanne would be at home soon.

I try not to think about the arrest since it might bring on another attach but its hard. It may be bad living in that house with him but atleast I'm in a house right? Atleast im taken care of even though it's poor. At Least he actually semi cared about me when he adopted me from my mom... but he killed her.

God damnit.

Why can't I just hate him and be done with it? He can go to jail for the rest of his life and i would go to a boys home or what ever the fuck is waiting for me and I can actually start working and get emancipated. The truth is I never really thought about my future, I didn't think I would even make it to 12... now I'm 17.

I shake my thoughts and I grab a cigarette out of my pocket and a lighter. Lighting the cigar turns to flames and I go to the lake... where Navina and I always went.

I don't know how I ended up here but I did. I blow out a cloud of smoke as I near the ledge of the deck. I sit here for a minute with music playing trying to drown out everything. I lay back on the deck and closed my eyes silently while still smoking.
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