Addicted to Green

CHAPTER 56

NAVINA

As I walk into the cold and empty house I close the door locking it behind me. I feel the sting in my throat, the sob racking my whole body and I start to walk slowly up the stairs. I just want to go to sleep. I want to cry, and then go to sleep. I want to shut off my brain and wake up from this nightmare.

I put on my headphones as soon as i get to my room and I change while music plays. Billie eilish to be exact. 'What was I made' for rings in my ears as I change into a pair of sweat shorts and hoodie. I then go to my bed and I feel the tears falling free. My knees go to my chest as I let the darkness come to my eyes once I close them... a million thoughts and feeling run rampant in my mind.

After maybe a half an hour my tears racking through me and my eyes dry as I try to get my mind off of things by watching a movie. I tried to read but i don't want my tears to soak into the pages. But as soon as the movie starts to play from the television on my wall I hear a big bang against the window. Then a latch moving. Then I hear a small groan and I turn to the window and take my remote in my hand waving it in front of whoever it is.

I see a tall figure standing. I immediately noticed its caden. "What are you doing here? I almost killed you!" I then shouted.

He looks at me with a frown. "With a remote?" he then asks with a cocked brow. I groan as I throw it away to the space next to me, it reaches my bean bag chair. "You have been crying..." he says looking at me. I notice his chest heaving like he just ran a marathon, and his hands seemed to be violently shaking at his sides.

I frown. But I can't say anything more, before he speaks.

"Look... you want to know right? Want to know this big secret that I cant deal with anymore." he says, swallowing, his eyes glancing around my room as he starts to pace.

"Caden... " I start. I'm a little worried.

He stops right in front of my bed. "Just... if i tell you this, promise me you won't look at me differently." he then says his voice wavering and his demeanor is odd... like he's a little high.

"Are you high?"

He shakes his head. "No." he says, his eyebrows furrowing. "I may have taken a couple xanax but I'm not high." he says. "Just please promise me."

I look at him wearily. His demeanor is scaring me a little. He looks ruffled up. His black hair is sticking out in multiple directions and his normally pale eyes are dark from the lack of light. He's in the same clothes he was wearing at the forest, lake area. "I promise." I say wearily, but truthful.

He nods his hands coming up to go through his hair again, and he starts pacing. "I was eleven when it first happened. When she first happened." he says his gaze not meeting mine as his small spaces across the floor. What does he mean when it happened? 

"My dad he... well he was a drunk, he couldn't go an hour without a beer, he would sometimes stay in sometimes stay out. He wouldn't really bring anyone over after he came back to his house but..." he swallows his hands fiddling with a few rings on his fingers. The crease in his brow grows and the haunted look in his eyes and expression is enough to scare me. His eyes look so dark, he looks so vulnerable right now.

"But one day when it was late he stumbled home with a woman..."

"Rory. Rory Bernard." the hollowness and raspiness of his voice shine, like he's fighting a war with him self. The woman in the picture? The one hugging Caden on a couch at his dads house? "She was what seemed like a heroin addict." he shakes his head. "I didn't know what she was doing was wrong... i didn't like it, i didn't want it... but she was persistent. She wouldn't take my no for an answer. She called it love. She said that's what love was." he swallowed and i realized... Did she? "She would always find me... always at night and always when my dad was blacked out drunk... which was basically every night i stayed there." he swallows. His pacing still worries me. The pit in my stomach is gross as I listen to him. His voice shaky to like he can't believe he's admitting this outloud... i cant believe he is either, and the fact that my worst thoughts were turning out to be true.

"She used to call me that pet name River said a couple days ago and, well the people at the pharmacy said they would be back until next week and... well it was bad. Normally they helped with the nightmares, the flashbacks, memories. I told you I have depression... it affects my memory and i can't really recall somethings and normally they come back in dreams, in my case their nightmares. The pills helped them." he says rambling on neverously not meeting my eyes. my heart sinks as i look at him.

The pain and stinge in my chest ached for him. God how could I have not known? I stand immediately and hug him. Stopping him from nervous rambling and nervous pacing. "Im sorry caden, i should have known.'' I muttered. At first his muscles flinched at the contact but then they relaxed. I go on my tippy toes and hug him tight. Breathing in his foresty scent. feeling his warmth back in mine. my worst nightmares are coming true right now. I wished i had known how to help him. but he might just needs to do it at his own pace. he's opening up right, thats a good sign.

"No one knows... except river." he says his voice calming. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you... i just, if i said it outloud then all that happened was real.. I don't want that to be real. Any part of it...but i realized that i can't lose you Navina. I won't. Not after everything I lost. And I lost way too much. Your the best thing in my life since.. Well since i was 8." he says without missing a beat.

"You are to caden.'' I say in all honesty. I part a little, his eyes glancing at me. "You have nothing to be ashamed of." I say. I dont really know what to say but putting myself in his shoes right now, i try to think of what i would want to hear if i told someone this. "and caden, that's not love.'' I say my voice is breaking. "What love is, is what you feel in here.'' I say my hand going against his chest right above his scrambled beat of his heart. "What she gave you wasn't love, it wasn't right.'' I say, shaking my head.

His chest rises and falls unevenly as his eyes look down at me. His fidgety demeanor shifting. "Please just, don't look at me like..."

"Like your made of glass?'' I then asked, knowing the feeling. "Knowing this doesn't change what we have. If anything it brings us closer." i say, looking at his dark eyes. I look at him not like before and not with pity, but with admiration. My Caden was a survivor. And a damned good one at that. this boy standing before me has gone through more than anyone should at his age, and ill be damned if anything like it happens again.

"with disqust." 

i sigh my face sagging. "i could never. i mean never. look at you like that. i would never feel like that towards you. you are a survivor caden, i look at you and i see hope for everyone in the world. because you got through all of this, and look at you. your the kindest soul ever sure a little rough at times." i say chuckling feeling the tears streaming from my eyes. he rolls his eyes playfully. "but everything you have gone through made you so unbelievably strong and i admire the hell out of you." 

"So were ok?" he then asks in his soft spoken voice. A shy voice, one that's unsure. His eyes soft hues in the little light peeking through, now i see all of him. 

I smile faintly. "Always." I say hugging him.

"And forever."