Addicted to Green

CHAPTER 40

CADEN

I didnt sleep this night. The night before school. The night river just got arrested. Navinas dad had asked me if I wanted to stay the night until things got situated and I said yes thankful of his offer, in reality I wanted to just stay in Rivers house. Even if River's memory is in there. I just couldn't be with Navina.

The temptation to sneak in her room is to great. To strong. Not even to do anything, just to be with her. Her warmth, her kind heart, to hear her laugh even. If i could get drunk on the sound of her laugh I would, and that says alot since I don't drink. Its so warm and so real. Something not many people have.

I look around the living room hearing absolutely nothing, I got used to the sound of screaming or shouting or, well anything. Just never silence. Its eary, and disturbing. I tried to fall asleep but I couldn't. Sometimes I sleep to much sometimes I sleep to little.

Its never a win-win situation.

If i was with Navina though, well that would be a different story. She gets rid of the nightmares and the cold sweats and the pain of every dream I have. I also sleep decently. But I can't go up to her room.

The living room is also pitch black. I can see some light coming from the windows since the sun is rising. I lean my back against the couch and heave a sigh. My eyes sting but of course it doesnt mean im sleeping. I flinch a tad annoyed when my phone goes off in my pocket.

I take it out and see a text from jesper.

JESPER: hola amigo. I heard that River is in jail, you okay? Also i'm back in boston if you wanna stay with me and my mom for a little.

I sigh at the text rereading it over and over again, until I put my phone down and I turn to the half open window with the curtains half closed. The little light peeking through. I feel empty.

I normally feel empty when i feel to much, and i cant really handle it so i just feel numb. Numb to everything. Numb to the world. Numb to people, numb to feeling. Just numb. Nothing hurts, if i think about painful stuff i just shrug it off like a crazy person...

What will happen next anyway? I didn't think i would make it out. Not even of that house just Rivers grasp. His hands his scent, his yells. I didnt think any of it would go muchless me be 'free' what does that even mean? Im not free, Rivers still here. The pain of loosing my parents... my sister, the six months I was there, wont leave.

Ill never be free. I only feel 'free' when im with Navina. The whole world leaves and its just us. Problems don't exist the world doesnt, people dont. But im not with her... so problems are still there.

I know shes upstairs and probably sleeping soundly... i think about the soft cure of her lips her button nose and those deep green eyes that light up so bright when she smiles. Her long blond hair thats soft to the touch but also thick. Her soft skin, the soft curves of her body.

But i'm not good for her. I already caused her pain. Just being in my presence, it happens with everyone, they all end up leaving or me leaving them since they get to close. Now it doesnt really affect me if people leave. But, for some reason leaving Navina? It hurts. It's hurts really damn bad. She was the light to my darkness. She saved me...

But in the end could we help eachother without hurting eachother?

I look down sighing at my hands the rings corded my calloused fingers and I twirl them. I see the small scar on the inside of my hand, the one River gave me when he threw a damn pencil at me. Well he didnt throw it he just straight up jabbed it in my hand...

Why couldnt I forget all the fucked up shit that happened to me... to people around me?

I sigh heavily now feeling the sudden rush... just leave. Please, not now.