Addicted to Green

CHAPTER 42

It's been four days since I have seen Navina. And me being a little stir crazy is an understatement. I can't stop thinking about her. Everytime i go past her room I can imagine her laughing or her spring scent. Her bright smile reached her eyes. I can't stop thinking about her.

I know she went to edens for four days. It's been four days. Tomorrow is christmas eve and i'm sure she should be back by now. As I pace the guest room floor I have been at for the past week since Rivers' arrest. I have been here for a week. Needless to say, I feel uncomfortable because the Gallaghers are hospitable. They are so nice it's actually weird. I'm not used to being nice. I'm used to being mean, rude and nasty. All of the above. I'm used to shouting, glass breaking. To screams. To anything but niceness or silence.

This feeling is foreign. My life was good when my sister was alive when my parents were mauled. It was kind of good. I only remember bits and pieces. What I remember most is the bad though. I remember my sister's lifeless eyes, the blood on her forehead made by a gash from the side of the car. Her car seat also smashed almost meeting me. But of course I survived... sadly.

I remember the look on my parents face, their tears there hugging at first about the death of the daughter until they started looking at eachother like they couldn't even stand each other anymore. Like the mere thought of them still together was preposterous. I started fading the background, like a sore wound that no one bothered to help. It was only a couple months in when they started arguing. Shouting. Then the divorce. My mom moved to Boston while my dad stayed in rockport. Just got a worse apartment and even worse drinking problem. While my mom buried herself in pills, cocaine, sometimes even heroin if the river wasn't around.

God im so fucked up. My parents, are fucked up. I grew up fucked up. It was stupid to even think that me and Navina could work out... I'm broken, irrevocably broken. How am i supposed to be in a relationship with one of the most amazing woman i have ever met? While I'm like this? She is too sweet, too pure, too nice...

She said she would wait for me...

But how am i supposed to be with her and be honest with her when i cant even be honest with myself about most things? I know I'm not good for her, I know that. I'll just ruin her.

Eden's words pop into my mind. About saying Navina was happy when i came into her life...

But what if thats all just toxic. Im toxic for her. I can't be with her. I run a hand down my face as i feel it shake. I swear if I'm gonna start having an anxiety attack...

I flinch when I hear a door open and before I know it I can't hear and I can't breathe. Im staring at a black abyss, the walls closing in on me. I struggle to breath my chest caving until I can't get enough oxygen to even breath.

My breaths ragged and strangled. "Caden. Caden! Can you hear me? Caden, are you okay?'' My chest caves, my vision is blurry and I feel the sting in my eyes but I manage to look up and see Mr. Gallagher looked at me with those dark blue eyes that looked into my soul.

Gosh I can't even focus on anything, my mind is foggy and cloudy. My mind wanders and so does my body. My heart races a million times in my chest as I think about Navina, about the river, about my family, and her... god I can still feel her hands all over me, making my skin crawl...

"Breath caden. In and out in even breaths. Come one. You're okay. You're safe." I hear Mr Gallagher's voice from beside me, my head going down and my hand going to my chest as I sit down feeling nausea.

I breathe in and out. I have had many panic attacks over the years, a lot of many but normally i could control them. I need my pills now. "Pills.'' I manage to breath out as I try to look at the black bag on the other side of my room.