The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings one shots and Imagines Book II

A dwarf in hobbit's clothing - Part 12 - Bilbo x Company x Reader

(Y/n) quickly made her way through the brush and trees. She could tell from the angle of the moon that it was so late, that it was early, and she would never hear the last about this from either her brother or Thorin; and she knew that they would probably both try and stop her from ever going off on her own again, but she was not a child, and she would do as she liked. She had heard the dwarf talking to Gandalf back at Bag End, even if Bilbo hadn't; that Thorin could not guarantee their safety, nor would he be responsible for their fate, so what should he care, if she went wandering off? (Y/n) sure that he would be happier if she didn't return at all.

Suddenly (Y/n) heard something. Her body slowly moving from bush to tree trunk, in hopes of concealing herself for as long as possible, as she crept closer and closer to the sounds. This was not where she had left her brother and dwarves; yet she could now see the flicker of flames, she could smell the odour of burning wood, and hear voices; yet they were voices that she had not heard before. Her heart jumping into her mouth as she quietly moved away a branch and she saw what she was sure were trolls; trolls that not only had some of the dwarves on a spit above the fire, but her brother and the others on the floor, tied up in sacks, ready to be cooked next.

"Don't bother cookin em, let's just sit on em, and squash them into jelly......." (Y/n) quickly covering her mouth at the sound of the words of the troll, not just so that she didn't scream out, but also so that she didn't lose what little was left in her stomach. The notion of the odious and incredibly stinky creatures squashing the dwarves, enough to make her retch.

"They should be sauteed and grilled with a sprinkle of sage......." Another of them contradicted. (Y/n) not sure how much better than them just being squished, that sounded.

"Oh, that does sound quite nice........." Came an agreement. (Y/n) dropping on her backside as she tried to think of something to do. Blocking out the shouts of the dwarves as she tried to concentrate.

Even though she had never met a troll before, she had read about them; and she knew that one would be difficult enough to kill, never mind three and on her own. Her only chance to save her brother and the others, was to bide for time; make the idiot creatures forget about everything, and when the sun rose, they would turn to stone. But how to bide for time............

"Never mind the seasoning, we ain't got all night. Dawn ain't far away. Let's get a move on. I don't fancy being turned to stone........" She heard one of the trolls say, a smile coming to her lips as she realised that she had at least correctly recalled the best way to deal with the trolls. (Y/n) quickly jumping up, as she heard her brother call out 'WAIT!'.

"You are making a terrible mistake......." Bilbo continued. (Y/n) keeping herself hidden for just a little longer so that she could see what he had in mind.

"You can't reason with them......they're halfwits........"

"Halfwits? What does that make us?" (Y/n) rolling her eyes at Dori and Bofur. Wishing they would just shut up so that Bilbo could continue.

"I meant with the.....the seasoning........" Bilbo explained, as he jumped forward. (Y/n) sure that if the situation wasn't so dire, she would have to laugh at her brother tied up in the sack.

"What about the seasoning..........?"

"Well, have you smelt them......? You're going to need something stronger than sage, before you plate this lot up." Bilbo replied, moving a little closer to the trolls. Ignoring the calls of 'traitor' as he did.

"What do you know about cookin dwarves............?"

"He's right, you know..........." (Y/n) said, as she finally stepped out from behind the tree. Bilbo, the dwarves and the trolls, all turning to look at her.

"And what might you be..........?" One of the trolls enquired. As she leant on her bow and smiled.

"That's a girl, ya idiot.........."

"How do you know............?"

"Because she ain't as ugly as the rest of em......."

"Oooooo I've never tasted female dwarf before. She looks yummy. Maybe we should cook her first instead......." (Y/n) grinding her teeth, at being called a dwarf. Doing her best to not let her anger get the best of her.

"I am not a dwarf.........."

"Then what are ya.........?"

"I am simply someone that is here to offer her assistance. I have no issue with you eating these dwarves, none whatsoever. In fact, if I could help you cook them, I would; but I think that the hobbit was about to make a valid point." (Y/n) explained, as she turned to look at her brother, whose mouth was wide open. More shouts of traitor, now aimed at her.

"Alright. Let the flurgerburbur hobbit talk..........."

"The secret to cooking dwarf.......is em......"

"Come on, tell us the secret........"

"Yes......I'm telling you the secret. The secret is.........."

"To skin them first." (Y/n) interrupted. Bilbo looking at her. His sister just shrugging in reply.

"Tom......get me filleting knife..........." (Y/n) rolling her eyes, as all manner of insult were now sent her way.

"What a load of rubbish." The troll turning the spit full of very angry dwarves announced, as he looked at her.

"I've eaten plenty with their skins on.........."

"Then you have been eating them incorrectly, Master troll." (Y/n) and Bilbo looking at one another, as they caught a glimpse of Gandalf on the rocks behind the trolls. (Y/n) not listening for a moment, as she was contradicted. One of the creatures picking up Bombur and holding him above his mouth.

"Not......not that one. He's.........he's infected." Bilbo blurted out. It his turn to shrug at (Y/n) as she looked at him.

"You what.............?"

"Yes, he's right. I was just going to tell you. He's got......worms in his........tubes." (Y/n) agreed. Bombur suddenly thrown away and landing on the other pile of dwarf. This just causing more complaints.

"In fact, they all have. They're infested with parasites. It's a terrible business, I wouldn't risk it. I really wouldn't." (Y/n) continued, Bilbo nodding in agreement. Both of them rolling their eyes, as the dwarves began to vehemently state that they did not have parasites. The dwarrowdam turning to look at Thorin; a relieved sigh leaving her lips, as what she and Bilbo were doing, finally clicked in his mind. The son of Thráin kicking the other, before they finally began to exclaim that they were in fact completely riddled, and some of their parasites were as big as an arm. (Y/n) just smiling up at one of the trolls, as he moved closer.

"What would you have us do then........? Let em all go...........?"

"Well, it's that, or you could end up with the worst case of screaming feebles that you have ever known. Dwarves are notorious for carrying the screaming feeble parasites. And if you eat any of this lot....well........."

"Oh, I don't want the screaming feebles.........."

"Shut up, you idiot! You think I don't know what you're up to." The big troll said, as he poked her in the shoulder. (Y/n) trying to do her best to look innocent.

"This little, not a dwarf, is takin us fa fools............."

"The dawn will take you all..........." A voice suddenly came. (Y/n), the others and the trolls looking up to see the tall figure on the rocks.

"Who's that..........?"

"No idea..........."

"Can we eat him too.........?"

Gandalf raising his staff and bringing it down on the large rock beneath his feet, cracking it in two, and letting in the sunlight. The trolls turning into stone as the rays of the new day sun surrounded them. (Y/n) hugging Bilbo, as the dwarves began to laugh and cheer.

"Where have you been, (Y/n). I was worried sick." Bilbo asked, as she pulled away.

"Never mind that now, Bilbo. You can tell me off, later. For now, let's get you out of this sack, and then the others." She replied. Giving her big brother a kissing on the cheek, before she pulled at the top of the sack.