T O R N

64

Lisa & Irene's Wedding Day
Three Months Ago

The grand doors of the wedding hall creaked open, and all eyes turned to my bride.

Si Irene nakatayo sa dulo ng aisle suot ang isang eleganteng ivory gown, habang tumatama ang napakagandang sinag ng araw mula sa stained glass. Napakaganda niya, at handa na siyang lumakad papalapit sa akin. May ngiti ang kanyang mga labi ngunit kung tititigan mo siya sa malapitan ay mababakas mo ang lungkot sa kanyang mga mata.

May itinatagong sakit sa likod ng tila perpektong relasyon naming dalawa.

Lumalakad siya patungo sa kanyang pangarap, habang ako naman ay humahakbang papalayo. 

Nakatayo ako sa kabilang dulo, suot ang off-white embroidered barong, custom-made to fit my frame, my name, my status. I looked the part. Strong. Elegant. Composed.

But inside, I was empty.

My heart beat loud against the silence in my chest. Not with excitement.

But with dread.

Habang papalapit si Irene, pakiramdam ko ay unti-unting lumiliit ang mundo ko. 

Inabot niya ang kanyang kamay sa akin, malamig, nanginginig.

Tinanggap ko yun, hindi dahil gusto ko, kundi dahil utang ko ito sa kanya.

Dahil pakiramdam ko, sa pamamagitan nito, naitatama ko ang mga pagkakamali ko.

During the Ceremony, the minister's voice echoed softly in the grand hall.

"Do you, Lisa Manoban, take Irene Bae to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

A pause.

The world felt so quiet I could hear the rustle of Irene's veil. The shift of Rosé in her seat. The nervous breath of my father.

And I heard something else too—Jennie's voice in my head, hoping she'd stop this ceremony. 

But it was all in my head now. She's gone and she will never coming back to me. So I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"I do," I said.

A lie dressed in silk.

A vow soaked in guilt.

And when the minister turned to Irene and asked her the same question, she didn't hesitate.

"I do."

Maybe because she loved me enough to lie to herself too.

Reception – Manila Hotel Ballroom

The music was soft, elegant, perfect. Our first dance was choreographed to a string quartet version of "Can't Help Falling in Love."

The irony almost made me laugh. Ang mga kamay niya ay nasa balikat ko habang ang akin naman ay nasa baywang niya. We danced like strangers in a beautiful movie we didn't audition for.

"You're somewhere else," bulong niya.

Tinignan ko siya at sinabing, "I'm trying."

"Try harder," she said with a brittle smile.

Hindi ako nakasagot. Sumayaw kami ng tahimik. Pilit na ngumingiti sa bawat bisitang masayang nakatingin sa amin.

The applause at the end of the song felt like thunder in my ears. Not because I was moved. But because it sounded like a funeral.

For the life I wanted.
For the girl I loved.
For the person I used to be.

Later That Night – During their honeymoon