I Don't Care If Heaven Won't Take Me Back

Chapter Thirty Four

Me and Stella have been sitting on my bed staring at each other for the last hour. All I want her to do is say mom or momma or mommy, just something. But every time I say "say momma" she sits and giggles at me. As if she knows what I'm saying but she's thinks it's funny if I she doesn't say it. So then I start laughing and we both end up in fits of laughter then we start all over again. It's okay, moments like this with her are my favorite. Seeing her so happy, so young with a bright future ahead of her. It's the only thing a mother wants from her children, to see the beautiful face light up with happiness.

"Daddy's here" I picked up Stella once I heard a knock at the door she laughed the whole way to the door, I don't know what's gotten into her today.

"Someone's giggly today" jack said as he walked through the door taking Stella from my arms hugging and kissing her. He brought her over to her play area and set her down. At the moment she crawled to every toy taking it down from the shelf then ignoring it.

"Okay this whole not walking and talking thing needs to change" I laughed as I sat down on the couch, jack joined me.

"Tell me about it, I'm starting to get afraid that she has my brain not yours" he laughed "okay so for her birthday"

"God I can't believe she is going to be one" I sighed "I was thinking just a small grill out here, invite everyone"

"We can do that, me and the boys have to be in Tampa for some work, we should be back Friday so let's plan on Saturday?"

"Yea that will work! Is Madeline going with you guys?" I asked.

"I think so"

"Damn I was going to bribe her to come over and help me set up" I laughed then looked over to Stella. I can't believe in just six days she will be one year old. "I can't believe she is going to be one" I sighed "it's almost like we had her another lifetime ago, so much has changed"

I took my eyes off Stella and looked at jack, he looked a little broken but was keeping his composure. As much as I would love to be with him again I know I can't. I can't let him have my heart only to brake it again. It would be nice if we could all be a family But so much has happened, so many things have been said, it's too late.

"Can I ask you something" jack asked breaking me out of my daze, I nodded my head yes "what you said yesterday about our brake up.. About how you were happy it happened, did you really mean that?"

I sat up and faced jack keeping my composure strong as I thought of what to say even though there wasn't much "yea.. I did" I quietly let out.

"I miss you Kate.. I miss us" he said it, he finally said it and I knew one day he would. Even though Madeline told Cameron who told me this was going to happen it's so much more real coming from his mouth.

"Jack" I said quietly looking at my hands "I gave you two chances.. Each time you chose her"

"If I could take it back I would.. All of it, I was just scared at the time okay? I didn't know what I wanted I felt like I was to young to be-"

"And you think did?" I said cutting him off "jack I had no idea what I wanted. But I always knew one thing I always wanted you and Stella because we were a family."

"I'll do anything Kate, I'll prove to you that I'm the guy for you" jack said looking up to me.

"I'm done giving out second chances" I sighed "you don't know how I felt back then, you don't know the pain you put me through"

"I wish I knew" he said quietly " this is all my fault"

I stood up "fallow me" I brought jack into the kitchen. We stood I front of the cabinets jack looked confused but in knew what I was doing. It's easier to see to actually know. So I'll show him.

"Grab a plate and throw it at the ground"

"What?" He looked at me as if I was crazy.

"Just do it"

Jack grabbed one of the plates and through it at the ground as we both watched all the pieces shatter and scatter all over the kitchen floor. Broken into a million little pieces we just stared at it.

"Okay done" he said softly.

"Did it brake?"

"Yes"

"Now say sorry to it" I said then bit my lip as its bringing unwanted feelings back.

"Sorry"

"Did it go back to the way it was?"

Jack looked the plate then up to me "no"

"Do you understand now?" I sighed "I would love nothing more then for us to be a family again. And I would be lying if I said i still didn't have feelings for you because I do. Are they what they once were? No. But there still there." I looked up at jack he was crying actually letting tears fall "the truth is, my heart is still in pieces and only in the last few months has it started to mend together again. But Even if I was with you it would never go back to the way it once was and can't risk it happening again jack, it's to painful"

I waited for a response as we just stood there. I think he is finally seeing the pain he had caused me. As much as I hate seeing him hurt this is good for him. I love jack god I'm so in love with him but I need to protect myself and not worry about his anymore.

"I'm sorry" was all he said before he left my house. I walked back into the living room Stella was on the floor sleeping by her toys. I picked her up and brought her into my room with me, we could both use a nap. I cuddled up to my daughter, she is the only thing that will ever fully have my heart, then again she is the only one who deserves it.